I have the power to choose

Let’s talk today about choice and the power to choose.  Bare with me this will be long. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a talker!  

But first, let’s start with the things I have *NO* choice over…

  • Being born
  • My skin color
  • My genetics
  • How others act
  • My height
  • My blood disorder
  • Or any health issue that is not due to your own doing
  • My depression
  • My parents
  • When or How I die (unless I choose do so before my time).

Here are things I *DO* have control and a choice over

  • How I deal with people and who I hang around
  • Getting help with my depression
  • Taking required medications for health issues
  • Not giving up on myself (or weight) even when I’m not losing like I would like
  • Being honest with myself
  • Being happy (I know this is a catch 22 because sometimes you have to deal with the depression first to be happy, but again I can choose to do things that help make me happy).
  • Taking control of my life
  • Not feeling sorry for myself
  • Not listening to what others say to beat me down
  • Knowing I HAVE choices!

I feel like as a society sometimes we are so focused on correcting other people AND the act of entitlement that we forget our own personal roles in our own lives!  Now, I am not saying that things don’t happen out of our control.  There are most definitely things that happen that we do not choose to happen, BUT things that happen, are NOT the issue.  It’s HOW we deal with what happens that is the issue!  

Now I know a lot of you probably will not agree with me on a few of these things I am going to touch on and that’s okay.  Years ago (heck probably even months ago) some of these I would of fought someone over myself.  But hear me out….

One of the biggest things we hear about often these days is bullying.  It’s the point that people are not even sure of it’s meaning anymore.  Look! I don’t like bullies like the majority of the world.  I like many, I have been personally made fun of, harassed, etc. Honestly, as a child it DOES hurt.  I will NOT take that away from anyone.  I feel like this is a hard thing for children to overcome.  Heck! It’s even hard for us adults!  But one of the skills we posses as adults MUCH better than we did as a child is learning “how to not let words hurt”!

I know many of you are probably thinking, “But everyone says words hurt”.  Yes, they can and DO.  Yeah, I know I just contradicted myself.  It’s just like burning oneself, it hurts too, but you can choose to take care of the wound and do things that promote healing OR you can ignore it, not treat it and the wound will get worse.  Bullying works the same way.  See above, one of the things I said was we cannot choose how others act.  I have ZERO control over others.  I can tell someone until I blue in the face that their words are wrong but it doesn’t mean it will cause real change in that person.

This doesn’t mean we still shouldn’t educate people on how to be respectful to others.  Or even explain how we act does have an impact on others.  BUT, what we can do is know that we hold the cards to not let those words continuously affect us, after the initial sting. Bullies are everywhere.  This is just the facts of life.  But how much power would a bully have if we chose to not give their words power? NONE!  If everyone did this I can bet you there would be FAR less bullies.  The reason those words have SO much power is because deep down somewhere inside we sort of believe it.  Sometimes we are just offended that someone could say something mean.  But really think about it for a minute. What makes a word mean, bad, rude, etc?  These things are negative because we decided they were negative.  Just like we decide which words are positive.

Look at how one word could be used for one thing in one culture and another somewhere else.  It’s because our human mind…  WE choose to give words power. Whether to be positive OR negative.  IT’S A CHOICE!  You choose to take those words and believe them.  And yes, I do realize that this WILL happen when people don’t know they have a choice!  It may even feel like at the time they don’t have one because they are not aware of the choice.  BUT it doesn’t mean there wasn’t a choice. I also know sometimes people will do drastic things when they see you won’t do what they want you to.  But don’t choose FEAR.  

Abuse works the same way.  Years ago, I got VERY, VERY, VERY, I mean LIVIDLY upset, with someone who told me that mental abuse wasn’t real.  Her words stuck with me for a LONG time.  Because I had been mentally abused my whole life.  I could NOT understand how she could think this way especially being a woman.  She tried to clarify what she meant by explaining that the act of mental abuse was real in itself just like physical abuse.  However, no one can physically MAKE you *feel* anything.   People can say things that may spark an initial feeling but after that moment we then make the choice to believe it, to accept it, and to keep feeling it. It then no longer becomes something someone made us do but something we now are choosing.  

Now, I didn’t understand this.  My thought process was like, “if someone hits me I feel pain.  I can’t help that”.  We know this is a cause and effect reaction from my nerves to my brain.  I have zero control over that.  But what I didn’t understand was like physical pain, she didn’t mean that no one feels that immediate pain.  What she meant was that we choose to stay in pain.  Follow me here.  This goes back to my analogy of taking care of a wound.  You choose to heal or not. 

This is what we do in abuse.  The ONLY exception to the rule is children who haven’t been taught this *magical* healing power.  See, when a parent is your abuser, they are not going to give you the tools to handle the pain they are giving.  Why would they?  They wouldn’t have power over you if you know that you could choose to be hurt or not.  They would know that no matter what they do to your physical body they cannot take your spirit.  They can’t take the YOU inside.  Only YOU have the power to allow that.

I wish more adults could see this and teach it.  I wish more kids could know that instead of having to tell a teacher and punish someone in hopes this would make an action stop (and I’m not saying someone shouldn’t be punished for being rude or doing unjustified behavior) but that this punishment isn’t the CURE to one’s pain.  Because we all know that even when someone gets punished for the pain they initially inflicted we still feel it until after if we choose to no longer hold onto it.  This is why forgiveness is also such a vital role in our lives.

I use to tell people years ago that forgiveness is not saying, “this is okay”.  It’s saying “I will not let your actions hurt me any more… I am in control”.  You are saying that YOU are taking your power BACK!  They can’t have it.  You are not condoning an action. Sometimes, maybe have a better understanding of the action or sometimes you are just not allowing yourself to dwell on the action.  BUT you always have a choice.  We may not always like our choices but we ALWAYS have a choice.

I always kind of giggle when I hear weight loss stories and the person says, “I tried everything”.  I always think to myself, “did you really”.? How honest were you in that statement?  How long did you try?  Did you do *everything* to a T?  Did you cheat?  Did you give up?  Did you even believe you could do it? OR did you seek real help when you couldn’t figure it out? If your answer is no to any of these questions then you did NOT do EVERYTHING!

People have asked me time and time again if I am going to do weight loss surgery (which btw does seem to be a bit of a rude comment, but again, I can choose to not be offended so I will choose that).  I will say I can’t yet.  Because I will be a 100% honest, while I know a 100% my weight gain is not a 100% my fault.  My lack of effort to get it off IS. I have yet, to really to FORCE myself to really get to the surface and make decisions in my life that will ultimately give me the goals I want.  If at anytime I feel I need the AIDE of weight loss surgery to get me to my goals than I will do so if I am a good candidate without a question.

But I know I haven’t done everything so far, Some days, I chose pizza.  Some days I chose not to work out, some days I chose not to weigh in, or follow up with my trainer.  I made conscientious efforts to NOT do something, but yet, get upset when I don’t get what I want.  I also do believe in finding what DOES work for you.  But… You also have to be willing to give and take here.  You can’t always have your cake and eat it too.  At some point you do have to ask yourself “How bad do I want this?”  “How far am I willing to go to get it?” Only YOU can answer that question.

Life too is no different.  Don’t like your job, Change it.  Don’t like how your spouse treats you, change it (By that I mean see what things YOU can do to make things better, talk to your spouse, find out what could be the issue but don’t do nothing is the key).  Sometimes we have to make difficult decisions to get the things we want.  Sometimes we have to say no, sometimes we have to be willing to take a risk.  Sometimes we have to just simply believe in ourselves and KNOW our own worth.  NO ONE CAN TAKE AWAY YOUR WORTH.  

Don’t let ANYONE tell you different.  Don’t allow abuse.  If someone hits you, leave.  I know it doesn’t seem that simple but it is.  I know I lived it.   I don’t care if it’s just the clothes on your back and you have a baby on the boob.  I have been there done that and wore a sling nursing that baby in a little tiny room with two other babies I had and yet sadly, I still went back and stayed far too long.  I made a choice to accept abuse and to accept less for myself.  I know some choices don’t really feel like choices.  But you have the power to have more, you just have to be willing to try.  It won’t always happen right away.  Sometimes it takes time.  I know it’s hard to keep faith. Believe me, I Know… But you must. You have to.  IF you choose you!

Just understand that life isn’t what happens to you, Life is what you do with the things that happen to you.  We all can be handed shitty cards but it doesn’t mean we have to accept a shitty life!

Closing the door on having more babies

I had my first child at the age of 18 years old.  When I conceived her my then boyfriend whom became my husband, didn’t think that he could produce any children.  So when we did actually get pregnant with our first child we were over joyed.  My first pregnancy was wonderful.  I don’t remember hating pregnancy (although, I do think we totally forget the bad parts of it at times).  I loved also being a mom.

However, with being a mom it also brought on many challenges.  Financial ones are always usually on the top of the list, PPD (Postpartum Depression), stress, and really just the ability to hand a new small human being.  While babies are not always hard, there are times where having a small child can really kick your ass to say that lightly.  That doesn’t always get easier with age.  I tell people all the time that as children age it’s not that it gets easier but that it’s just different.

After my first-born 2 years later I had my second and then just four months after she was born I found out we were pregnant with our third (so much for not being able to have children).  I would be lying if during this journey there wasn’t times where I regretted three children.  Mostly when all three would be upset, when I couldn’t meet each child’s needs in the moment.  When I wanted more one on one time with the children.  Going out in public at times.  And yes, most definitely financially.  Especially, when we finally divorced.  Oh, the guilty that rained over me for having three children and then also putting them through a divorce.

My husband and I struggled financially, emotionally, and I think even spiritually our whole relationship.  I still say out of the relationship my three children with him were still the best thing our relationship produced.  In the end I think they do help us become better people.  As much as the first several years of their life is a totally blur over time I still saw another child.  Years would pass and I would still see her.  I knew she was a girl. And while I couldn’t see exactly what she would look like I KNEW one day she would be mine.

I first saw her before I had even divorced.  It’s strange but in some ways I want to say that apart of me waiting was thinking about this child.  But some how I knew this child wasn’t going to be with my then husband.  After our divorce, I started to accept that the little girl I kept seeing was not real.  See, growing up I could sometimes see things of my future.  I don’t consider myself psychic or anything but you could say I have had a special ability to know things.  But, there have been times where it wasn’t right OR it wasn’t exactly the way I thought it would be.  I started to believe that this was one of them.

When my met D my now husband, he was not interested in having any more children.  He felt my three was plenty for us.  Like many men he felt money wise this was already stretching us thin and honestly!? It was.  I would mourn the idea of this child.  I actually started to get into the idea of acceptance that she was just not going to happen.  And then one day he surprised me and well, lets just say, I had my fourth child and yes, she is a beautiful little girl.

My pregnancy with my last was my hardest.  Her birth and after birth was no walk in the park either.  In fact, my life has been forever changed since.  After her birth I did HONESTLY think I was done.  There wasn’t much of a question in my mind.  Not only did I have to suffer through a very scary after birth ordeal, suffer several almost life and death health complications but also I had been in between jobs and money just was constantly tight.  More children just didn’t feel like a responsible ideal.  By the time I reached my 30’s I no longer had the same mind-set as I once did in my 20’s.  I felt like was too short and no one is really prepared for children.  And while, yes, I do find this still to be true.  I also knew after many struggles I wanted more for my children and yes, more for any more that could ever possibly come.

But another thing that I had learned with my last child is that sometimes life takes you places you never have dreamed.  Even though I had longed for this little girl, when I first got pregnant with her, I was terrified.  I felt we had made a MAJOR mistake.  I thought that I wasn’t prepared, I felt that I wasn’t going to be able to be a good mom, and I felt that everything I hoped for her would not be delivered.  I feared that I would have the same life I did with the first three….

But that just didn’t happen.  This child SO proved me wrong.  Yes, things did happen.  Yes, money was tight at times.  But OMG did she bring something that I never imagined.  She brought so much joy to my heart.  I love my kids ALL of them.  I wish I could remember having this much joy with them when they were small.  I KNOW at times I did too.  But this wasn’t the same.  I was now with a man I really did LOVE.  And he too, really does LOVE me.  What was amazing was?  I knew that.  You don’t know how much of a difference having a child with a man you have no doubt in your mind LOVES you.

Having just one small child in the house and bigger kids was actually nice.  I loved watching the big kids fight over her.  Help her, and grow this bond with her.  And while they do fight.  I feel that having my daughter was still one of the best decisions we had ever made!  She has been a wonderful addition to my life and I no longer regret the idea of having her nor my other three.  Each child has brought something amazing to my life.  Something that no other human can give.  Each child has given me worry, tears, heartache, but also love, joy, anticipation, and a longing to see the big humans they become.

A while after having my last, I dreamed of this little boy to my surprise my oldest daughter also had a very similar dream.  I thought to myself, how odd.  For also the first time ever, I even had a name.  I never had a name with my other children whom I also did see before they ever came.  The hard part like last time D was pretty clear that the baby factory was forever closed.  He explain about how we get to do more now that the kids are older.  Fact! How expensive it is to care for what we have now.  Also fact! How hard my pregnancy was, my health conditions, etc that another baby could bring new risks! More facts that I honestly, can’t deny.

So why is that here I am working at a job I really like.  Money is actually pretty good for us right now.  I have four children who I love, I feel are thriving, and we are able to do more for now than ever before and yet, my heart still longs for this one last child.  I feel so empty inside.  In my thoughts it’s “there will be grandchildren in the future” I think to myself.  Or, “you want to be a midwife in the future, you will see plenty of babies”.  I even would try to understand exactly what was it I really wanted.

Was it just a baby?  I mean let’s face it my favorite part of raising kids is the 1 and 2 yr old stage which is like the SHORTEST stage of childhood.  I mean one cannot simply want a ton of children just for this stage alone, this also includes the infant stage.  Which to me is nice too but also I think we tend to forget the crying, sleepless nights, not knowing what the hell they want because they can’t tell us.  We are just masked with the thoughts of teeny tiny little socks and clothes we forget sometimes all the work that goes into that teeny tiny human!

I logically know and agree with every point my husband made.  I did.  They were all true and they were all things that I had to think about.  I thought to myself that maybe it’s time!  I would tell him to hurry up and just go get a vasectomy and get it over with.  I hoped that if the door was permanently closed that being able to move on would become easier?  I thought as each day I enjoyed my job it would be more reason to not want another child.  I knew having another child I would probably l want to be home.  But funny thing was, I didn’t exactly feel that way either.  I had a different perspective this time on that too.  I was really feeling like I could do other things.  I didn’t HAVE to be a stay at home mom.

My mind had changed and I started to see life more as opportunities instead of scary things that can happen.  I thought of all the joy my last daughter has brought to our family and who one earth wouldn’t want to experience more of that.  I wondered if in part she was my happy pill and I just wanted more of it.  I thought as well, how that too probably wasn’t the best thing.  I didn’t want to have a child to “fix” a feeling.  That in, having a child to “make” me happy.  I know in all hearts of hearts that’s not a good reason to have a child.

So, then what…. WHY did I want another child?  And why, is it so hard to let the idea go?  I kept wondering to myself that if this feeling hasn’t gone away maybe it’s because this is something I am supposed to do?  But I also wasn’t about to go against my husbands wishes.  Having a child is just as much decision as it is his.  I wouldn’t find it fair to make him do something he really didn’t want to do.  Even though I could see all the possibilities and joy another child could bring he just couldn’t.  Nothing I can do can change that for him, he has to see that himself.

I wasn’t sure if another reason I felt this way was simply the dream.  For so long I kept seeing this child that after a while that dream started to feel more of a reality.  I saw all my other children why would this one be any different?  I then was also not sure if my children had just “happened” or if my force of my wants and desires some how made them possible?  I don’t know and that probably seems like a stretch but I just didn’t know.  I talked to other moms who felt done and the thing that seemed to ring true for majority of them was they just knew.

But I didn’t… I knew for a good while after my last child I wasn’t ready for another child and then one day I just was.  My husbands retort was then, when does it stop?  What if we have another child and once again the feeling comes back??? I had to think that this too was a very viable possibility.  He spoke many truths.  I don’t know how I know this child would be the end but I do.  Don’t ask me how I know this it’s just a feeling.  But I also know this isn’t a decision that I can take lightly.  I fear of holding resentment to my husband, my past choices, etc on not getting to have this experience one last time.

Sometimes I even think would I regret my choice if we DID have one more.  Would things change?  Just because M was this great addition doesn’t mean another child would be.  I know saying that sounds harsh as if any parent doesn’t want their child.  BUT, what I mean is it doesn’t mean that I will feel the same way I did with her.  Maybe this child could be more difficult.  My my health will take a turn.  I even have risks of death.  What if I left my husband a single man of five children?  I have to think about these things.

So then I have to ask myself, are my days of having babies over??? Is this longing for another child just my body not accepting yet that my reproductive days are over?  Is it just that I am having a hard time accepting that I am getting older? Or that my life is changing to a new avenue of all big kids and no little ones and that’s a new world for me. A world I still haven’t fully adjusted to?  In part I think no to most of these questions.  I do have faith that if we did ever have one more child (and yes, I will say unless some how us getting fixed still brought another then that child was totally meant to be) but honestly, this would be the final one.  BUT if we did, I DO actually have faith but I don’t believe my husband does.

So now, I have to walk a road of knowing the possibilities of what might have been for him.  Remaining content in what I have now and just looking to our future.  I don’t know if one day he will change his mind OR if he won’t.  I don’t know if *I* will change my mind.  There are PLENTY of days where I think in my heart I AM done.  What is actually funny was I DID feel done, when this idea of a child came to play I wasn’t happy about it actually.  I was like NOPE!  I fought it, HARD.  But when I accepted it my heart-felt at calm and that was a hard pill to swallow.  Because it was then something that felt apart of my path but it wasn’t a path I was going to lose my husband over.  So I was left with confusion.

I now am just a place of stand still in a way.  Taking each day as it goes.  I have decided to just focus on us.  I decided we will live our lives and if this child really truly is meant to be, he will be.  (or she, I could be wrong).  And that’s okay.  It’s okay if this isn’t right now OR even EVER.  The goal is to really learn to be content with whatever the outcome is.  I refuse to continue to feel sad for a loss of something I don’t have.  That doesn’t mean at times those feelings won’t come.  But for now, I am blessed.  I have four very healthy and happy children (most of the time).  I am so proud of the people they are becoming and I look forward to watch the new journeys with them as they are getting closer and closer to being out on their own.

I am excited at the thought of one day being a grandma.  Seeing them in relationships, their careers, them as parents etc.  I am excited to see the adults they become.  I have waited a long time to see these days and they are so close (for the bigger three that is).  I look forward to watching M grow.  Doing things with her.  I mean I have never had in a way just ONE child lol.  As the kids leave one by one eventually it will be just us three.  I don’t think that’s a bad thing!  So I know in my hearts of hearts I will be able to move on with my family but I wonder still from time to time… What if….

Do you really KNOW when you are done?  How do you cope with the fact that your partner wants a child more than you and vice versa?  How do you cope with just the idea of just NOT having children even when you DO feel done?  This are questions some day I hope I can answer, but for now, what about you?  Did you know? Do you have a spouse who wants more but you don’t?  Or do you long for another and your spouse said the baby factory is closed?  Do we ever really feel DONE?

A new name is in the air

So, today I was just going to start a brand new blog, with a brand new name and honestly, this probably still will happen.  But for now, I wanted to talk today about change.  Every morning I have about 15 minutes to myself after I drop D off to work on my journey to my job.  During this time, sometimes, I blast some music and sing my heart out and other days like today, I took some time to reflect on some thoughts that was going through my ever revolving mind of mine.

Today was a day for reflection and my first thoughts started with my blog and blogging. I was thinking about how much I missed it.  I hardly ever write any more. I just don’t feel I have time any more with me working these days.  I feel like when I am home my time is either devoted to children, cooking, cleaning OR just trying to find sometime for myself. But now that the dust has settled a bit and we have gotten into a good groove of things I thought to myself, “I can write”?

My next thought was that I feel that I am not on the same page anymore with the name of my blog/Instagram (where I frequent the most these days).  Over the years I have had many blogs.  I have had Mistyme, (I like that was my live journal account), a blog with my bestie (twocarbkickingchicks I think it was)? I am sure there were more, but the most recent one was I am not just a fat girl.

I started I am not just a fat girl after I had my last child.  I was determined to lose weight but also wanted to show the world that there was more to me than just my appearance.  I felt as a big girl I was automatically defined by my weight.  I felt sometimes, unnoticed; and other times the center of attention.  I wanted people to see *ME* not just my body.  I remembered when I was smaller people approached me more and wanted to know me more.  Which was odd because I wasn’t a better person thin!  This upset me greatly.  Why would be only see me when I was smaller?  So I started to blog.

However, over the past several years of trying to lose weight and falling off more times than I can count.  Dealing with multiple health issues and doctor after doctor telling me they don’t know what’s wrong.  I felt myself slowly giving up.  At that point I though that I was NOT going to live the rest of my life hating myself.  If I was stuck in this fat suit, the least I can do is love myself despite of the challenges.  This was then the birth of my plus size confessions.

I wanted a site where I could talk about family, life, weight, clothes… Really, just everything.  I wanted it be light, fun and funny.  The truth is though, I just couldn’t let go of the weight loss journey.  Majority of my followers were not as interested in my daily life and only my weight loss (or the lack of) was what kept viewers.  So I talked about family less and weight loss more.  To the point it consumed my life.  I started to feel like a failure.  Like I didn’t understand why I just couldn’t do this.

So then this morning I was thinking… What should I name my blog that would reflect me now??? What would be my new Instagram handle?  What would work that would make me feel inspired to be who I inspire to be?  In this thought process I started to think to myself the dreaded question I would get asked at interviews…. “So, Misty, Tell us about yourself” This question was is so hard for me because I never knew what to say?  The first thing that would ALWAYS come to mind is, “I’m a mom”.  Because the thing is, I have been a mom since I was 18 years old.  At this point I have been a mom for half of my life already.

Being a mom has been a BIG part of my life.  It is something that I will always be.  BUT… being a mom is not ALL that I am.  It was then I wondered to myself, “who am I”?  This sparked me thinking of new names that would suit my goals for these outlets better.  I thought of “finding me” but I was like, wait… What?!? I’m not lost… I just don’t know I am exactly?  Then I thought about who I was.  I started thinking about why it was so hard tos say who I am?  It all boiled down to mostly one word, FEAR.  I realized that I am afraid to be WHO I am!  I thought about being a girl in school.  Growing up, I always did pretty decently in school but thing was, I learned after they started requiring testing that I wasn’t as “smart” as I thought I was.  I bombed the test.

All the sudden I went from this A student to finding out I didn’t know… A lot…. This was a HUGE blow to my ego.  As I became an adult, I despised going to school.  The thought of school could easily give me anxiety.  The thought of High School was horrifying alone, let a lone the thought of College.  I remember when I did attempt college once when I was a newly single mom, working 60 plus hours a week, willing to do anything that would probably make me more money.  I decided to go to college since my job would pay for it. Long story short, I went to two classes and never went back again.  I allowed the fact that when I was tested upon entry of College,  I had to take remedial classes to bring me down.  Once again I didn’t feel “smart”.  I allowed my own insecurities to stop me from showing myself that despite my lack of knowledge it didn’t mean I couldn’t learn.  But the other truth was, my heart just wasn’t in it.  So I never went back.

Fast forward now to the present time.  By this point I am almost to work.  And yes, I had all these thoughts in just 15 minutes.  I am thinking about names… things like the un-driven path (which I do still like). I wanted something that meant something to me.  I wanted something that could evolve with my life.  I wanted something that could show the world my goals.  But I also had to know what my goals were.? I thought myself, maybe?, I should go back to school?  Not really to get a degree for a job, but to just get a degree… To show myself that I can do so.  I thought how I wanted to know more, learn more and that I felt ready to do so.

Then I thought about other things I might want to do.  I thought that even if it’s not school, the point wasn’t school at all… It was doing things because I want to and not letting fear stand in my way.  I thought to myself, that I have NO clue who I am!  I don’t even fully know what all I like because I have experienced so little.   Life is WAY too short to experience too little.  I am holding my own self back.  I let my depression to get the best of me.  I let my mind wonder and rule me.  I let my thoughts define me.  I thought no… I have the control.  I have the control to be HAPPY… I have to believe this.

I have the control to navigate my life.  When people told me in my life I couldn’t do things, I would prove them wrong.  When people under estimated me, I would show them my worth.  BUT I thought to myself this morning, why won’t I show myself?  What am I so afraid of?  Why do I hold back so much? So what if someone laughs, rolls their eyes, disagree’s, doesn’t like me?  If I am doing good things, looking forward, and trying to be the best me I can be then non of that will matter…. So then I came home and started to write words.  LOTS of words back and forth with my BFF (best friend forever)…

And then it happened.  After many great idea’s none of them felt like the one until it hit me…. Right before I found I found it, what marked what this journey is going to be about, I thought first about calling my blog/account the making of me.  I honestly did like this one; until… I saw there was book with the name (well, that and the part of one mans journey to becoming a school superintendent).  I really didn’t wanna be a copy cat even though it wasn’t exactly the same.  I even had other names like Life in Layers, my life proclaimed, peaches and me (I still like that one) and then I thought of  inspiring life…  I thought at first this was going to be the name.

I thought, yes! I want to inspire myself and inspire others.  But then I thought to myself that life isn’t always inspiring.  Sometimes it’s messy.  Sometimes it’s sad.  Sometimes it’s just not always happy.  I thought, what about those days?  What about the days I want to write something sad?  Maybe, I want to vent about my kids being a jerk that day? That wouldn’t be as “inspiring”…. Do I want my page to always be “inspirational”? I have to admit this idea was a quickly a little overwhelming.  I then knew this wouldn’t work for me.

So I went back to the drawing board and like a lighting bolt in the sky it hit me. Reinventing me…. It was perfect.  Until… Instagram informed me someone already had it… I was like, what? Ugh, I am so unoriginal… BUT I loved what it represented.  So I kept playing… (reinventing me project, reinventing Misty, but it all just didn’t seem right) then it was right there… My reinventing life.  Now THAT was perfect AND most importantly it wasn’t taken on Instagram!!!!  I am not finding me, because I’m not lost.  It wasn’t that I didn’t know me, but that over the years I am constantly changing and growing.  In that change I slowly reinvent who I am.  I start to create a new me.  I haven’t lost me, didn’t know me, etc I just learning more and more ABOUT me.  Everything I know about me DOES make me.  BUT like a rose there are many layers…. We all have layers that we hold and shed through our lives.  Eventually we bloom into a new flower in time…. We become well, reinvented….

So there ya go guys… in a LONG winded post… That is what I will be…. I now here in time there will be a new blog, look, etc.  And hopefully, this too won’t be some passing phase. But all in all, I am excited.  Excited about the journey a head, with myself, weight, life, children, etc.  ALL of it.  I want to talk about all of it.  I know this may cause a lost in followers (especially on Instagram) and honestly, that’s okay because my journey is for those who need to hear and for me who needs to write it.  If it’s not for you then that’s okay because it means it wasn’t meant for you!  So with that said, thanks so much for following all this time some of you have been here with me for YEARS.  For that I am humble to call you guys my friends….. So here is to another chapter!  I hope you stick around.  More is soon to come!  Just wait!

Been MIA

mia1What can I say, Life gets busy.  That and I haven’t been as compelled to write lately.  I did start a youtube channel recently, but will admit that I am not too sure about it in general.  I feel so weird doing videos.  I really can’t stand seeing myself talk as well.  That and I am not so tech savvy to where I can make cool video’s lol.

Anyways, so since my last post a lot has gone on.  I got down to 293 but the past few weeks I had shot up.  I was like 303 on Monday but was suffering some major bloat and well some bad choices.  It’s amazing how QUICK weight can come on.  I know that it’s not all fat because most of that happened in the matter of two days.  So that means, it’s fluid.  But still.

Like that 10 pounds will take me a couple of weeks to get back off.  Sigh….

Anyways… So this week was a big week!  It’s the beginning of school week. This year I am sending off

My oldest going into 11th grade (OMG next year she is a SENIOR! what????).

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My second oldest into 9th grade!

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My son entered middle school going into the 7th grade!

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And the baby entered into Kindergarten!

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To my surprise I DID NOT cry at the kindergartner.  I felt kind of odd like I was suppose to or something?  I was more upset when my son went but I also didn’t get to see him off so I think that had a lot to do with it.  But still.  No tears.  But so proud of her.  She is SUCH a big girl who was READY for school!  Let me tell ya!

It’s so weird being home now with out at least the little one here.  I keep feeling like I am forgetting her.  Or I will go look for her when it’s quiet wondering what she is into now to remember she is at school.  LOL it feels so odd and yet so empty too.  I am looking to get a day job while she is in school to give myself something to do and to save some money.  We could use the extra cash (who wouldn’t).  I will do my best to be more active but pretty sure once I start working again this will be once again on the back burner.  Sigh… Either way I am working toward good things so that’s good right?

So how’s your day going?  Did you send any kiddo’s off to school this week?  If so what grades are they going into?

Weigh in Monday!

IMG_20160718_074903Well my friends Weigh In Monday is Officially BACK!  Last week I came in at 304.6 which was up by 6.4lbs (I think) since I had stopped weighing in and decided to take a mini break.  I was a little disappointed at first this morning when I stepped on the scale.  I caught a sneak peek of my weight yesterday and I was down to 298 which would have been my all time low in a year.  However, I noticed a couple of things this morning, one was, my bladder wasn’t super full like normal and two both of my ankles were swollen.

Ah, yes, water weight.  Which I know I have a lot of.  But seeing puffy ankles and an up in the scale is a good indication that I didn’t gain 2lbs of FAT (the horror) it’s just water.  I also knew that on Saturday I decided to run 3.1 miles (a 5K) on the treadmill.  I have been running about 1.5ish doing my C25K program.  But wanted to try doing a 5k and seeing how long I could really jog without stopping.

I am SUPER proud to say that I did a 5 minute warm up and I only walked when I was half way at 1.5 miles and that was a 4 minute walk.  This was HUGE for me. I have NEVER ran that long before.  Granted it was super-duper slow and the eyes of running I probably wasn’t running.  BUT for me I wasn’t walking.  lol If I bounce it’s no longer walking in my book lmbo. So I have to say it was a good week!

I didn’t torture myself with rules and what not.  I told myself moderation, watched the carbs for the most part.  I couldn’t have done better on several days.  But I am not going to focus on that.  I lost 4lbs this week and broke a new running record for me.  So hey, in my book that’s freaking awesome progress even if I am still up a little bit from June over all.  It’s okay, I will be down next week and at my new all time low in a year anyways.  So this week I am celebrating 4lbs gone and cheers to running for 60 minutes!  Woot Woot!

Day one of 90

textgram_1468257133A while back I talked about starting a 90 day challenge.  I have had some time to think about this challenge since I wrote it and decided to make a few changes.  The Challenge will begin today and go on for at least 90 days.  I wanted to keep the challenge simple.  I realized that doing too much all at once is just a recipe for disaster.  I don’t want to do a “plan” at this current time but do want to make smarter choices. So the plan is as follows:

 

1.Eat smaller portions

2.Drink more water

3.Exercise at least 4 days a week

4.Blog/Journal whatever I need to stay on track

5.Be kind to myself

That’s it really.  I want to keep it simple.  I am also going to start weighing in weekly again. I have weighed in off and on the past few weeks and I am interested to see where things go.

Starting this challenge I currently weigh 304.6 That is a 6lb gain but I am NOT upset about this because this weekend I went kind of on a last hurrah bend (you know what I am talking about).  So funny how we do that lol…  Either way.  Today is day ONE of 90 so let’s do this.  If I do this it will be the first time I stayed a 100% on plan for 90 straight days.

I have in the past and even this year went 90 days doing things in general but I wasn’t as strict on myself.  While, I don’t feel my “rules” are very strict, I still want to follow it.  So, here we go!

LET’S DO THIS!

All Lives Matter

I know I talk on this blog mostly about weight, but this blog wasn’t meant to be just about weight.  The recent events over the past few years has really gotten to me.  It has hurt me, it scares me, and it saddens me.   Lately, I have been seeing more and more blogs, and FB posts talking about how insulting “All Lives Matter” is.

So I am going to say today why I say all lives matter and why *I* don’t believe it is insulting OR racist.  Now, I have seen a lot of the little meme’s trying to “explain” why this is offensive.  And in those actual scenarios I agree with them.  BUT and there is ALWAYS a but!  THAT IS NOT OUR SCENARIO!

I think what people are not getting is we have a war on police brutality AND a war on race. We can’t have one and ignore the other!  The media has done a GREAT job showing people WHAT they want to see.  HOW they want you to feel.  We get snippets of stories and then we run with them like a wild-fire, without ever actually KNOWING the truth because the facts are, we have already made up our minds what the truth IS!

The problem….. Somewhere among black lives that have been taken due to racism people started to ASSUME these were the ONLY lives being lost by the hands of police.  That the ONLY issue that we are facing is racist cops.  Now if that were true, I would be like black lives matter all the way no looking back.  And here is the kicker…. I am black lives matter all the way.

However, black lives are not the majority dying at the hands of cops and those lives many of them were taking un-justifiably.  Everytime, a black person see’s a white person on the news who’s was kidnapped and raped and people say OMG that poor girl there was another black family saying “Where is my spot light?   Where was my coverage”.

Are they wrong for feeling that way?  IS feeling that way taking away from the death of the others who are not black?  NO!  Why?  Because they just want the same EQUAL opportunity.  The chance for the world to also HEAR their story so maybe people will see that other people are being affected.  That this isn’t a single crime don’t on just ONE race!

This is where “All Lives Matter” was born for me.  Now if you are saying all lives matter because you don’t like hearing “black lives matter” and you are thinking, uh, so does my life; just because I am not black doesn’t me MY life doesn’t matter!  Then yes, you are the people I think and want to believe all these blogs and meme’s are talking too!

But if you are the person who is like the black person mourning the death of their loved one that once again isn’t getting coverage, the person who in this case is a race other than black saying but the police killed us too…. Don’t forget about US…. We are a victims too! We want to be apart of this movement.  We want to acknowledge your loss, my loss, his loss, and all of their loss that were done wrongfully.

People wake up and see…. We NEED you to wake up.  We have TWO not just ONE issue here.  I think that what happened is when one issue came up (the racism) it caused a piggy back to the OTHER issue and that was NOT about race but about power-hungry, trigger happy cops who are giving all the other good cops a REALLY bad name!

So maybe instead of pointing a finger at someone who says “all lives matter” and assuming everyone who does so is apart of the problem, maybe ask them WHY they are saying it.  Are they saying because they feel you are leaving them out and they want to make this about them OR are they informing you that this problem goes much deeper than black and white here.  The blood isn’t just on two hands!

The same goes for when you hear black lives matter.  Don’t be so offended by it.  Because, BLACK LIVES DO MATTER.  The racism by blacks has GOT to stop.  Black men and women should not have to feel a need to raise their children with a teaching on how to “handle” police.  Always watching their backs, always afraid to move, OR feeling like other races (especially whites) are out to get them.  They shouldn’t have to be judge for not only being black but for how black they are.  Black lives matter should matter to blacks too.  Your own people are dying and sometimes by you.  WE have to fight to end the violence!

WE have a war on racism and while things are different now than they were even 20 years ago it’s still there.  Sometimes, we are blind to it.  Sometimes, we don’t even want to believe it.  Sometimes, we don’t even see it because it’s not happening to us personally. But it IS happening.  Racism is still VERY MUCH ALIVE and we cannot take that way.

We also can’t take away the fact that brutality among cops is getting far too out hand.  I have seen countless stories of men and women of ALL races who have been murdered by the hands of police.  When black people say things like “well, it’s still not like us, we were just murdered because we were black” you are also just as bad as those “all lives matter” people are you so angry at.  Because, while you may have been killed because of being black, the next guy was killed for reasons he didn’t even know.  BOTH of you NEED to be acknowledged because you are both VICTIMS.  I wish more and more things were shown equally. When they are happening to multiple types of people.

I wish that black children were shown on the news when they were kidnapped just as much as white girl would be and wish more races were shown that have been mistreated by police the way black men were.  I don’t know the real answers.  I can’t say to just focus on black lives matter and ignore all the other lives lost.  Why can’t I focus on black lives lost AND the other lives too?  Why bash ME for wanting to be upset by ALL the deaths instead of just SOME of them?  Why should we fight for just racism alone and not police brutality among us all?  Why should I be told I am racist by the media because I want people to see BOTH problems instead of one.

People need to see this is all a domino effect… It’s really people all saying DON’T FORGET ABOUT US!!!!  From #blacklivesmatter it stemmed those who have lost or known of losses from others who were not black and they felt their lives matter too, I need to voice that, I want not just to black lives matter but every life to matter.  Saying that doesn’t mean I am omitting black lives.  Then police were killed here in Dallas so that stemmed police lives matter.  And then we are back to ALL LIVES MATTER.  You want to end racism, recognize it! You want to end hate, stop fueling it.  See that to end racism we have to recognize black lives and all lives.  We have to recognize when a black life has been wrongfully taken, White, Hispanic, Asian, Indian, every race, police lives are wrongfully taken.  Our fight deep down isn’t just about black lives but LIVES being wrongfully taken even the ones that media DIDN’T show you.  THAT IS WHAT IS PISSING us off.  IS LIVES WRONGFULLY TAKEN!

If people want EQUALITY then we have to see BOTH problems…. So I am here to say that #blacklivesmatter #racismisalive #racismmustdie #policebrutalitymustdie #alllivesmatter #thosemurderedbypolicematter #murderismurdernomatterthecolor #violencedoesntendwars #policelivesmatter

So agree or not but this is how I feel… I had to say because I felt I was going to EXPLODE! And well, this is MY page so I get to say how I feel and it’s okay if you don’t agree.  I just ask don’t ignore the issues.  ALL the issues.  Be Aware.  Research. and know people across this world are dying everyday by police, military, our own people, etc.  WE need to address the hate. and I get it takes working on each issue ONE BY ONE and I think that maybe, that’s why “all lives matter” stung so much because maybe by some it’s “too soon” to focus on the rest of the lives.  People still need to mourn these to than acknowledge the others?

No one has to agree with me, I know in my heart of hearts I am not a racist person.  I know that I seek good in all people. I want all injustice to be brought to justice.  But I want the real issues, I don’t want to be hiding and blinded by just one issue, I want to see them all. Acknowledge them all.  I need to see the whole picture.  I need to see the lives that have been taken wrongfully and I NEED to know why.  Because how can we fix the hows when we don’t understand the whys?  I want compassion. I was equality.  I want peace.

Every one is screaming what about me!  And it’s heartbreaking because it shows how many feel they are not seen and heard.  We have to try to see them all.  It is wrong IMO to just focus purely on just ONE group of people of any race when more than one race is being affected and ignore all the others; just like it’s wrong to ignore a problem because you have a problem too.  ALL people have a right to have their problem seen and heard and not single one is wrong for wanting that and needing that acknowledgement. Let’s stop the hate!  That’s what all of this is.  It’s hate.

It’s day by day

I blogged most recently about my depression.  My depression is something that never seems to go away.  It’s something I have been dealing with for as long as I remember.  For me my depression isn’t something that is “temporary”.  For me, happiness is temporary. Depression on the other hand always finds it way back.  EVEN when there is happiness. It’s like a little bug that has infected my brain and I can’t kill it.

Anyways, the interesting thing about depression is you have good days, okay days, bad days, really bad days and days well, we won’t talk about those days.  Right now I am on okay days.  This is good.  Okay days, mean that I am doing a little something.  It means I smile here and there.  Okay days are the days you are thankful for.  I know that probably seems weird but an okay day is a day where you acknowledge that things feel crappy but also it’s just another day and you can get through that day.

Good days, those days they are AWESOME, short lived, something that doesn’t come around often and sadly these days are the days you feel you take for granted.  These are the days where you think that tomorrow will be just a good as today!  Sadly, that’s not typically the way it goes.  At least, not for me that is.  But that’s okay for now.

Currently, I have started to seek out help through counseling.  I am not sure the current place I am going through is going to give me what I need but I do know if I ever want to experience a possible longer happiness time frame I probably need to fix the mental stuff first!?! I am even going to start my 90 Challenge this Monday.  What is it about Monday’s btw that just seem to be the only day to start new things? lol But in all honesty, we get paid this weekend so I have to get the house full with great choices so I can be successful.

So right now I am taking things day by day which is really that I can really do.  I hope that one day I will be free from this life but for now it is what it is.  I will update you on Monday about the challenge.  I hope you all are doing well!  And until then….

 

I Lost My Mojo

It is not new news that I battle with Depression.  I recently even got back on meds for it (which btw I had a horrid reaction too) and recently started seeking counseling for.  Sometimes I don’t like posting much about my depression.  Not really because I don’t want to talk about it but more so because I don’t really think anyone cares to listen.

I have noticed that people like to hear good things vs. bad.  Even today with in 20 minutes of posting on Instagram that I lost my mojo I lost 4 followers.  It’s no biggie really but it does make me feel less inclined to share at times.

The fact is I am depressed.  I have been depressed for quiet sometime now.  To the point that I felt I needed some help.  My state got even worse after my birthday weekend.  Not only did my children seem to forget it was my birthday, I planned my anniversary/bday weekend with no contribution from hubby I started to get down.  This then followed by hubby talking to me about how he didn’t want another child.

We have been talking about another child for about two years.  In fact this year my actual motivation for getting serious, the reason I invested into personal trainers, and etc was because I wanted to get my body down to a healthier place to where I could have as healthy of a pregnancy as possible.  DH wasn’t always on board with the baby thing but seemed to be okay with it the past year.  Willing to see where things go.

While I understand a 100% all his reasons, being told that I was no longer going to have any more babies EVER, was like a kick in the gut (or more so ovaries).  I was hurt.  I mean his logic wasn’t bad and I understand all his fears and his concerns.  Hell sometimes, I think I am CRAZY for ever wanting anymore children.  Seriously, I have plenty lol BUT still, the idea was there.  I saw each one of my children before I had them.  I know it sounds crazy but I knew about each one.  And I saw this one too.

But the thing is I don’t want a husband who resents me years down the line or our child all for a vision.  I want this to be just as much of something he wants as well as me.  While, I know logically we will be just fine with another child and financially it won’t change anything, I also have to respect my husbands wishes.

This combined with my birthday AND my first counseling session (which somehow made things worse) just caused a flood of emotions.  I felt like I didn’t know what to do with me.  This journey was so much easier when I had a goal.  The thing is I KNEW with the amount of weight I am wanting to lose I wasn’t going to have some rocking body.

I don’t want to be negative here, but lets face it I have hanging fat as it is right now (and I am not even going to call this skin because it’s fat) and it hangs.  It’s not pretty.  And while, yes, I KNOW that the end goal is to be HEALTHY I also know that you don’t go from losing 200lbs plus, having hanging fat to this awesome rocking body.  (At least not with out surgery).

I know it’s vain.  I do…. But I know being skinny won’t mean I will like the outcome of my body.  Period.  So it does have to be for the HEALTH of things. That’s great and all… Except I have been on this journey for 5 years (and we are not counting my life time of being thicker and over weight) but the 5 years of actually trying to lose weight and yet, I am still here in the same place.  I have done more in these 5 years then I have EVER in my whole.

I have done more than I ever did when I weighed 125lbs.  Never at that time did I eat healthy, or exercise or even do the exercises I can do at 300lbs.  And yet I fucking weigh 300 mother fucking pounds.  Like seriously.   I hate that my body hangs, my breast hang, my stomach looks in a way I don’t even recognize.  The hell with stretch marks, I can live with those.  Hell I have had those since I was like 12 years old.

I hate that I have a blood disorder that even if I lost all the weight that skin removal probably wouldn’t be wise, that weight loss surgery could be a death sentence, that I am stuck in this body.  And even my body aside I hate the way that I feel and no matter what I do to change it I still feel the way I do.

I feel very much done…. Not done in the point that I am just gonna off myself, because I have decided long ago that just isn’t something I can do.  No, just in a way where I am waiting… Waiting for whatever powers it maybe that I can FINALLY get to go.  I try in the meantime to deal with what has been given me and make the best of it.  But that urge to finally feel free.  The urge to finally go.  It feels amazing.  I LONG for it.

It’s not sad and depressing to me it’s like when someone is old and grey and they are ready to go… Except I’m not old or grey.  I just am tired.  So very tired.  Tired of everything.  Tired of trying and still failing all.the.time.  Tired of feeling lonely, tired of not relating to anyone (and vice versa), tired of not knowing what to do with myself, tired of not being smart enough, tired of losing my memory, my hearing, tired of my body, my health, my kids fighting, my messy house, cleaning, not clean, my husband upset at the lack of cleaning, etc.

I am just tired….. You would think damn woman, why on earth would you even want another child???? Ya know what?  I think it’s because in pregnancy I felt something, I felt important, feeling your child move is amazing, child birth is amazing, being a new mom feels amazing (and tiring lol).  I LOVE babies and toddlers…. although, the older they get the more annoying they can be at times, there is also great days. I LOVE watching the people they become.  They give me a reason to get up.  Sometimes, the only reason I am even here.  I DO actually get joy out of the experience.  At the same time I logically know I can’t have kids until the end of time just to have this lol.

I just don’t know anymore….. I thought for so long that I was going to be a midwife, I wanted it so bad and then I had such a traumatic birth of my last child and now it’s different.  It’s not because I don’t trust birth or anything but I saw birth in a different way.  I always saw birth in this one light and then I saw this dark side.  I didn’t know how to handle it?  I don’t distrust midwives at all, nor the process I just saw it in the eyes of fear of things being missed (and yet I was under the care of a hospital mind you lol). I don’t know.  Then I found out the school I wanted to go in is requiring that I take the SAT again.  This has given me SEVERE anxiety.  I DON’T test well, I didn’t do well in school. I mean I did but it’s because I didn’t learn crap.  I don’t consider myself in general all that smart.

I can learn things and I felt confident I could learn what I needed in the program.  But to test about crap I was taught (or not taught) over 18 years ago had me kind of freaking the hell out.  I started second guessing even going to school all together.  Which I know is silly because I will be tested on the midwifery too but that will be right there fresh on my mind.  Everything will be taught to me, it won’t be me remembering things from yester-year lol.

I started wondering if I would even be a good midwife?  If I wanted to be a midwife?  I knew I did but did I want all the risks and draw backs that come with it.  I mean I knew the positives but was I willing to also live with the negatives.  Long hours, not really having days off, no vacations really, sometimes pay isn’t always great depending on the practice, and things can go wrong and the wrong move even if I didn’t do anything wrong can break my career.  It’s a big decision.  I thought to myself if I don’t do this, what on earth would I do.

I knew I didn’t want to live my life going from job to job.  I wanted what I did with myself to mean something.  And yet, I don’t even feel motivated most days to get out of bed.  I am constantly conflicted with feelings of possibly to the realities of things not working out like I hoped.  I feel like my life is one disappointment after another.  Nothing seems to go quite right.  I have tried to be positive, I even tried to accept it, but it’s just so hard.  So I know this is LONG as always and really it’s okay if you don’t even read…. But this why I have been quiet.

I haven’t even started my 90 day challenge (which I was considering after the 4th since I had so much going on in June but July was free and clear) I knew I needed a stretch of months of nothing really to keep me on course.  And even then, I just.don’t.care… I don’t know how long this will last but I am finding as I get older and older these spells are started to feel more like a defeat vs just bouts of depression.  I am started to feel pretty beaten down and I not sure how many more times I can try to be positive in hopes some how, some way this feeling will just disappear?  Where is my happy pill?  I want my happy ending… Sigh…. Sorry to be the bummer…

90 Day Challenge

My husband and I were talking recently and he made a comment on my efforts of trying things.  It wasn’t that I don’t “try” things but more so it’s that I don’t give things enough time.  I really thought about this and I do believe this to be true.  I tend to give things a very short shelf life before just moving on and my typical goal for that is probably max 30 days.

My thoughts were more so if I don’t like it with in 30 days I probably won’t like it at all. Heck I even realized that my giving up a scale didn’t even last 30 whole days.  So on to that first, so last week I was in my storage area looking for something and I found a scale.  At first I didn’t do anything with it.  I wasn’t going to weigh myself and that was it.  However, I already had this lingering fear of my weight knowing just in a few days I had a doctors appt coming up and I was going to be weighed.

I had not be weighed in a about a month and I was terrified.  The last time I weighed I think was the 1st of April and I was 299.2.  The second I stepped on the scale at the doctor’s office I kept saying to myself, “you better not be over 300lbs” over and over again.  299.6 is what the scale read.  I have to admit I was at peace!  Yes, I was still under 300lbs!  However, after getting home I realized that my weight only maintained in a month.

While, I find some joy in knowing possibly when I get to goal weight I will be able to maintain my weight right now by far that’s the last thing I am trying to do.  So I brought out the scale again.  I knew that if I wanted results I do need to use this tool.  It does whether I like it or not help keep me accountable.  However, I still don’t want to obsess over it.

So I made rules.  Rules that I have to live by for the next 90 days.  I wanted to throw out my 30 days of trying something (which btw I realize I have been “running” now for more than 30 days!) Woot-woot!  I also knew that when it came to my diet I wanted a more flexible eating.  I didn’t want a “plan” persay.  I wanted to focus on having better food choices, eating better portions, and focusing on over all health.  I know there will be times where I will hit a drive through, go to a party.  I didn’t want to constantly wonder “what can I eat?”  I didn’t want to feel bad eating a bowl of ice cream and I didn’t want to beat myself up because I ate some damn rice! (the ex low carb dieter in me has a hard time accepting I do okay with rice!).

So here is my 90 Day Challenge to myself rules!

  1. Eat until full NOT stuffed! Just satisfied.
  2. Only eat upon hunger (I know there is a lot of controversy about this one whether we eat too long of periods or should be eating every few hours, however, I believe more on just listening to my body.  If I am hungry eat, if not don’t!).
  3. Become portion friendly.  I have to be aware of portion sizes.
  4. Eat 7 cups of veggies a day (this is a new one for me but something I felt I should try) Hell, if anything green smoothies here I come!).
  5. Drink apple cider vinegar (this stuff is gross to me but has so many benefits that I want to test out for myself, so trying to find a mixture that works for me however, this is the ONLY thing on the list that if I don’t do I am okay with lol).
  6. Take my meds everyday (I am bad at this and my meds are IMPORTANT).
  7. Weight ONLY once a week minimum
  8. Limit red meat (this is just because I feel better eating less red meat).
  9.  Two fast food meals per month.  If I absolutely have to do more than the meal needs to be healthy. (so say I get a salad instead of a burger if I have met my quota for the month).
  10. One Veggie dinner per week (again trying to up the veggies here for me and the kids).
  11. No bigger candies.  I am a sucker for those sharing size candies.  BUT I don’t share!  For now on if I get say a small bag of peanut m&m’s it has to be the small size and I can only do this treat ONCE a week (I typically get this when at the store!).
  12. I must do some sort of daily exercise. Even if it’s just going for a walk.  I get rest days but it doesn’t mean I have to seriously be on my butt all day long! (only exception is if I am sick or ordered to bed rest or something).
  13. ONE SERVING (this goes back to portion control).  If I eat something say I made some mac n cheese then I can have JUST ONE serving.  Not like um, the whole box!  Again, just trying to learn to eat things I want but in moderation.
  14. BLOG more (because blogging makes me feel better)!

And that’s it… It is a lot of rules but for the most part they are simple.  Eat more veggies, don’t eat in excess, limit fast food and move more!  Pretty simple.  So what are your goals you have this month and do you struggle to meet them monthly?

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