Out with the old and in with the new

So the past few weeks months has been pretty stressful for me.  I been working hard on myself in many ways.  Apart of that is being real with myself, learning and trying to improve myself, standing up for myself or not being afraid to say what I am thinking.  I always fear of hurting someone else’s feelings and yet the past week has shown that honestly there just isn’t a way around that sometimes.

I had two people “unfriend” me in about a weeks time on the good ole’ facebook…. Funny how it feels so much more official on FB.  I mean back in the day you would actually have to have a conversation and say how you felt.  Now days you can hit this one little button and all your problems go away.  Well that problem I guess.  At first, I took this personally, I was hurt, sad, and angry (yep, all at once).

Imagine my fury.  Not to mention there is nothing worse than having someone to say I am done with you and then shut the door before you even have a chance to say “well the hell with you too” lol.  But seriously, I had to tell myself, does it matter?  Was this person a TRUE friend?  Did this person really actually care about YOU?  Do you really actually care about them?

I learned that my relationship was very much one-sided.  I don’t want one-sided relationships.  I also learned that I try to have friendships with people who really are not that interested in me.  Kind of like that movie “he’s just not that into you” Yeah, these people were just not that into me.  It’s a hard pill to swallow sometimes, but hey this is life.  You live, you learn, and you move on.

Each person was dealing with their own battles just as I am.  Frankly, we really were not friends.  I do have a feeling of care about each person just about that has left my life.  But I have decided that I focus way too much on what I don’t have instead of what I do.  I do have GOOD friends in my life.  I need to remember who DOES have my back.

So what if I don’t have tons of friends in my corner?  I am not looking for a bunch of people who are just there.  I am looking for solid, life long, good, down to earth friendships.  The people who love you happy, love you sad, there when you are depressed, and slap you out of it when just can’t get out of that funk.  These friends KNOW you, they GET you.  You don’t have to fear if they are only accepting parts of you because the LOVE all of you and I can say that my REAL TRUE friends actually do.

They love me talking, they love me sad, they love me when I want to say enough and they love me when I am goofy as hell.  They get me.  They know where I come from and why I am the way I am.  And despite it all they are still here and you know what?  I am the same with them.  I know them, love them, and except every piece of them even if those pieces are not who I am.  I don’t form my friends to be who I want them to be.  I don’t expect my friends to believe what I believe, I don’t need people who blow smoke up my ass….

So to my real true friends, I want to say I am thankful for you and sorry at times I take you for granted.  I am glad to have people in my corner that I can be exactly who I am.  I don’t have to fake my feelings, I don’t have to hide, I don’t have to walk on egg shells, fear to offend.  I can be open and honest and most of all you don’t punish me for being me and for that I thank you with the bottom of my heart.  You are REAL friends.  I am so blessed to have you in my life.

Advertisement

Thoughts at 2am

Ever have those times were it feels like nothing is going right?  Of course you do, you are human.  I think at some point or another we have all felt this way.  Personally, I am here now.  I have so many balls in the air I don’t even know which ones to grab first.  What if, all the balls fall?

I feel sad…. This year for me has felt flat out depressing.  I have felt defeated.  Lonely.  Suicidal. and yet at times happy.  Hopeful.  And joyous…. Funny how feelings can be so bipolar at times.

Everyday it seems is a new battle.  For me it’s a battle among many fights.  Being a good mom, cleaning enough, being a good wife, starting my career, reaching my financial goals, fixing things that need to be fixed, repairing myself, my weight (oh my weight) ugh, friends, loss, just every little piece that I run through a microscope.

Sifting, waiting, looking, trying to find the perfect answers.  Fearing failure but then confused at the thought that failure can equal success.  Trying to take things in stride and yet not freaking out.  This is all so new to me.  To be in a place where my mind says I want to check out and my heart says lets just keep going, keep trying, and lets just figure this out.

I feel lost.  Like my soul doesn’t understand.  Like no one see’s me.  The real me.  And fear if someone actually did.  Fear of nonacceptance.   Fear of the unknown.

I feel tired…. Is it really so hard to seek happiness?  Is happiness really short term for most?  Is it all perspective?  Is it all relative.  Is the life we lead, the feelings we feel all based on how we in the end represent it?

I am overwhelmed.  My mind is so consumed, with thoughts and loss.  With so many pieces that I cannot poses. Trying to feel appreciative for what I have and yet still feel consumed with what I don’t.

Is the grass really greener on the other side, do we say it’s not so we wouldn’t miss what we don’t have?  Is it easier to accept what you don’t know then to know something, to feel something, and for it to then be a loss?

I am struggling with finding me.  Loving me inside and out.  Loving my body, mind, and trying not to be so hard on myself.  I fear never being seen.  But oddly enough have found solitude in being alone.  I think apart of me has accepted that this might be my ironic fate.

My whole life I have searched for companionship.  It would then only be fitting to possibly die alone.  So, I put on a happy face, I fake it but not sure I am making it. I will say whatever it is that people want to hear because honestly it makes them feel good.  Because people really don’t know how to deal with those in a sad mood.

I have come to see that these feelings uncomfortable and unwelcoming and oddly enough understanding.  Why be around someone who brings you down?  I’m not sure the answers, for me it’s all a daily struggle.  I can’t save someone’s life when I am barely able to save my own.

So I’m here today just be here… Breathing… Alive and for today that itself just has to be good enough.

Getting back to it

So hubs wants to get back on track.  I know to have the most success we both need to be on plan.  So he wants to start on Monday and I agreed.  I am okay with this and really, we both need to.  I know with my health issues this doesn’t mean I will be successful but I keep holding out that some how things will just work out and it won’t be some hidden secret why I can’t lose weight long-term.

 

I know for me going lower carb works best and it’s best with my thyroid issues too.  I think he too will see promising results.  Since I am not currently working and we are working on possibly me not going back to work (I plan to start school in a year) then I can focus even more time on me.  Logically, not sure how this will all work out but we shall see.

 

I will be happy if I can lose and keep it off.  I know he will do great.  He has lost over 50lbs before without a whole lot of effort.  He is much more dedicated about being on plan than I tend to be lol.  Plus men just seem to be able to lose weight much faster/easier than women.  Totally IMO NOT fair!  But it is what it is…..  Anyways, so in the meantime keep a look out for our updates!

Good Morning Monday

unfiltered 6am I wanna go back to sleep picture… Good Morning Monday!

Well well, there you are good ole’ Monday….. So, things have finally settled down here in my house hold which is good financially.  I am very happy about that.  While I am not working yet, we have gotten a plan and have things have been to work out financially.  So for now, while I am looking I get to focus on the RIGHT job instead of just A job.  Which is nice.

In this feat I am also going to start getting up with my husband in the mornings.  I noticed on days I went back to sleep I was sleeping til 11 to 2pm some days and getting NOTHING accomplished.  This is M’s last week of daycare until I start working full-time OR unless D finds a better paying job and then I will focus on school.  Either way I thought it would be beneficial to getting up earlier vs sleeping my day away.

So last week I wrote in my journal how I am going to combat this weight thing.  I forgot to really do this you have to kind of go in stages. When you try to go a 100% in really fast it tends to bomb. One thing I have learned about myself is one slip ups add to many.  I was trying to do my “free” day.  I have learned a long time ago that I can’t have “free days”.  I must have just food items when I want them but just in moderation.  A “free” day in my mind is a

let’s go nuts day.

This my friend is NEVER good!  Sigh…. BUT it’s a process right.  I need to be more realistic as well with my goals.  I swear by the end of this I will have figured out the right keys of success for ME.  Either way, I am excited.  I think this week I am going to venture to the store and get a couple of outfits for interviews.  I will be sure to post my journey with that.  My plan this week is really to get my house in order.  I am usually working so much that when I get down time my house is the last thing on my mind.  So I want to change that.

I am also, planning to post a LOT more.  I know that in my journey I always do MUCH better when I get to write.  I think before it was a big part of my success.  So here is a new future and hopefully new doors!  Let’s see where the road takes us.

So lets talk weight

Motor Mouth

I can’t really have a “Plus size confession” without talking weight.  Right now my weight has gone BONKERS.  My med level (thyroid) I swear is not where it should be and unfortunately due not having insurance right now I have to wait to see my doctor.  This BLOWS.

I am having such a hard time mentally when it comes to losing weight and prioritizing my life.  I feel like when things are crazy I just can’t focus and that includes with food.  I can’t lie and say I never comfort eat because I do.

While, I don’t feel I eat the way people would think a 300lb person would eat I am sure there are things I could change.  I know that deep down there is something else wrong with my body which is why I have struggled so much with this journey.

But I always have this feeling like I am not doing enough.  I feel like maybe if I feel this way, it might just be true?  I know the best way to start things is to have a game plan.  Then I was reading this article the other day and it was saying how those who tell their goals usually don’t do them.

I was like wah? Really?  Crap.  Maybe, I am supposed to be all secretive and shit.  Maybe, that’s what I am doing wrong?  I mean I DO share a ton and maybe that’s why I can’t lose this weight.  Dammit I knew it!  My parents were right.  My motor mouth has fucked things up.

Sigh…. Damn motor mouth.  So I sit here thinking should I walk with duck tape or shall I not….. Hrmmmm…. Eh, I’ll live on the wild side and stick around.  Who knows, I like a challenge and proving theories wrong.

I’m here for a paycheck

As you know I am looking for a new job.  I know that what I am about to say if a potential employer were to read this and know it’s me would probably not hire me.  But…  That’s okay, because sometimes there are things that just need to be said.  So here is goes.

To the employers who say “I don’t want someone who is just looking for a paycheck”…. I want to say this to you what are you offering an employee to fill any different?  Is your job life changing?  Is it exciting?  Is it changing the world?  Is it something to be proud of?  Is it helping others?  What exactly about your job is something that an employee should say, Ya know what?  I want to do this for years and years to come?

For many people there will be a time where they will take a job that I call a “filler” job.  This is a job that you accept because point-blank you DO need a paycheck.  You know going into the job it’s not your dream job.  What employers fail to realize is that just because the job isn’t my dream job doesn’t mean that I can’t still be good at it.

So what if I am here just to earn a paycheck?  You like money right?  I am sure you do?  So, isn’t that what also helps YOU strive to come into to work everyday.  If you didn’t get paid at all would you still do it?  Because if your answer is no, than you are no different from the people you are pointing fingers at for working because it’s “just a job”.

The facts are many people work in jobs that really are “just jobs to them”.  I think employers need to accept that not all jobs will be a dream job and frankly I see NOTHING wrong with that… Just because a job isn’t my dream job doesn’t mean there isn’t lessons to be learned.  Doesn’t mean that the job isn’t preparing me for my dream job nor does it mean that it doesn’t matter.

I also find it interesting when I hear this from jobs that really are not the best of jobs.  You see the shows like undercover boss and the one employee who has kind of a “crap” job and yet they are making the best of it and is like I love my job (even though they are grossly over paid).  While, I admire in some sense their humbleness to find peace in what little they are getting paid to still have a smile on their face it’s not fair to expect everyone to feel this way.

I think if most employers took the time to perform the jobs their employee’s did a lot of perspectives would change from management.  There is something about getting down with the rest of them and really experiencing it all to make you see what everyone else tried to tell ya.  Fact is, maybe, your job just isn’t a great job!  Maybe, you don’t treat your employee’s well, pay them well, give them good benefits.  How can you really expect someone to LOVE what they do when they feel their employer doesn’t even care?

So here is my top 10 list of what employers should know:

1. Find out why your employees are unhappy –  yeah, some employee’s are not going to LOVE your company/job.  But the main focus should be their performance.  IF you see them not doing so well, check it out.  Talk with them.  See exactly why.  Find out if this is a them vs you issue.  Once you find that out then you will know if this is an isolated employee issue or if there are things your company needs to change.

2. Offer incentives/benefits –  It’s simple,  people really do want to feel like their company cares!  Apart of that care is, affordable health care, benefits like 401K’s, paid sick time, PTO, Vacation, etc.  Yes, I know this costs you money but constantly hiring and training employee’s is costing you a lot of money too.  Probably even more!

3. Work from home opportunities- you don’t even have to make it a full-time gig (I wouldn’t even fully suggest it depending on the position) but having the ability to work from home is a great asset especially to working parents.  Let’s face there are a lot of us out there and if I can work while my kid is home sick that benefits both YOU and ME.

4.  Don’t make me wait a year – I get why employers do this but it’s never something most employee’s want is to wait a year for benefits.  I can see maybe 6 months for a vacation at most but man, sometimes that year can make for a pretty darn long year! If you don’t want to go a year with a vacation, we don’t either.  Not to mention people need healthcare sooner vs later. IMO.

5.  Listen to your employees-  A boss who cares is a boss with happier employees.  When you make your employees feel like their opinion matters they are more than likely to stick around.  Having meetings where you talk about what is going on.  Be involved with your employees.

6.  Do fun things once in a while – Have a company pot luck, host a couple get together, have a company lunch.  Not everything has to be serious all.the.time. Especially, when people work high stress jobs.  We all need a release.

7.  Understand it’s okay sometimes for it to be “just a job” –  For me it might be “just a job” But also understand that it doesn’t mean that I still won’t do my best at it.  No, your job may not be my dream job.  I may not even want to work for you for the next 5 years but it doesn’t mean that my time with you I can’t bring something to the table.  Look at each employee as a learning experience.  I know that ideally it’s great to have employee’s stay for years to come but times are changing and I am seeing far less people staying a jobs past a few years.  And more and more who are having to work odd and end jobs to finally get to the job they really do want.

8.  Pay them well –  Getting paid well is so important.  When people don’t have to worry as much about money they are more likely to focus on their jobs.  Make it worth while for them to work for you.

9.  Give raises –  and I am not talking like tiny a few cents ones either.  When an employee is working hard and you see it show them that you see it.  Compensate them for what they are doing for you.  And I promise you they will thank you for it.

10. Last and not least DON’T LIE – One of the biggest mistakes I have found that companies make is lying.  Telling their employee’s things like “if they take on extra tasks they will get paid more for doing it, or they can receive raises with in so many months” and then the employee does these things and you don’t follow through.  If you financially can’t be honest.  But don’t just take from your employee’s and expect the world in return.  You will and I promise you, you will get burned.

When employers learn to make their job livable I think they will have more employee’s who will see their jobs more than just a job.  You just have to make it seem like it is more than a pay check.  Do that and they just might see if that way too!  In the end if it is just a job too them don’t take that so personally.  I mean seriously how many people grew up thinking man I want to be a fast food worker when I grow up?  Or I want to work at a desk and answer a phone all day?  It doesn’t at first sound really all that exciting.  Sometimes jobs are stepping-stones for individuals to get to the next chapter.  Just take that this job was just another stepping stone in their journey and yours.  Focus more on what you can do for your employee’s and less on how much you can from your employee’s for less!

Job interviews

About to go into an interview

So I am searching for a new job.  It’s always IMO the pits. Looking for a new job and going on a dozen interviews is never my highlight of a day.  You would think for me the worst part is not getting an interview.  Ironically, that’s not a huge issue for me.  I really have taken time out to make a good resume and I really do put myself out there (not bad for an introvert I must say myself).  

No, my issue with job interviews is the interviews themselves.  Aside from the weird questions you get like “if you could be a paint color on the wall, what color would you be and why?” Um, is this a painting job? Did I come to the right interview?  I thought this was office data entry work.  I am sure I won’t be working with colors here?  How does this relate again?

Anyways, Interviews for me they typically go really REALLY great.  We are talking I am there for at least ONE hour tops, I end up meeting everyone and their momma.  Sometimes I even given new hire paperwork.  I sweep these people right off their feet.  And then bam I slammed back to earth days later.

I hear freaking crickets later.  I end up finding out I am a top person and now they are trying to decide.  Yes, being a top person is great.  But you had me going, seriously, you had me invested.  My hopes were up.  You said all the right things.  “When you work here”, “here is the new hire paperwork”, etc.  I am then left with a multitude of insecurities at this point.  Did my breath smell bad? Did I talk too much? Damn, I knew I shouldn’t of pick pink as the color!  Blue, dammit, blue it’s versatile and great for boys and girls!  What happened between now and 24 hours ago?  I don’t get it?

Another thing I hate about interviews is my weight.  I will admit when I was skinnier I felt far more secure at interviews.  Not to mention just about any job was open to me.  Fitness gym, sure…. Spa, sure… But when you are over weight you are not as “pleasing to the eye” and well some of these places you just don’t fit.  I mean I don’t really hate.  I mean come on it’s like have a fat dude as your personal trainer.  You would be like ummmm, am I at the right place?  Did they mistaken my goals?  I wanted to LOSE weight and get muscle, Is this a joke? hrmmmm….

The otherside of it you are there with your spandex I swear is like two sizes too small and no matter how many of them say “they don’t slip” they all do.  So the spandex starts cutting into your leg.  You want to fix this because at some point you fear that you might be cutting off circulation in your leg.  Your mind then starts wondering if you will have an ER trip and think, man I hope this doesn’t effect my chances.  In the mean time you have now sputtered out words you are kind of unsure of what you said.  Like the pink walls, it’s not even my favorite color.

So I get it.  But ugh, this past week I had one of those jobs where my hopes were all up.  Did all the steps.  The last person was like “she (the owner) is defiantly going to be calling you”  I invested FOUR hours with these people (not counting the last phone interview which was suppose to be my last step).  Three days later nothing.  I start my panic mode.  I turn into what I call the interviewer stalker.  Look it up I am sure it’s some kind of fetish.

Every thought is going through my mind, I analyze every single detail.  I am going crazy.  I call, email, heck I might of even sent a fax…. Sure… They are gonna hire me now (said in my head sarcastically).   Wanna see if your future employee is not crazy? Act like you are going to hire them and then don’t call them back and see what they do?  3 MORE days later I get an email saying sorry, I have been busy, I hope you didn’t lose any job opportunities waiting on us, for we still have decided and I will call you in the am.  Well it’s noon and as you figured NO call.

At this point I must wash my hands of it.  I know for me while I get busy and I REALLY do, one of the things I am HUGE about is customer service.  I feel like this displays for me what that means to you (the employer) when you have a lack of follow-up with interviewers.  Especially ones you start giving new hire paperwork to.  I’m not mad or anything but feel like it’s curtious to keep your top contenders in the loop.  If someone else comes along and sweeps you off your feet better than I did.  That’s OKAY just let me know.  Sure, I will bummed out but I will get over it and move on.  Just tell’s me it wasn’t meant to be!  So the search continues.  Sigh…. Hopefully, I find something soon for a great company, with great morals, who treats their customers and employee’s with respect.  Man I hope this company is out there!  In the meantime what was your worst interview experience?