Weigh-In Wednesday

I didn’t mean to not post at all since last week.  Sometimes I just don’t always have much to say.  Lately, I have been worried a lot about our van.  Our van broke down back in June and needed the motor replaced.  Which as you probably know isn’t a cheap fix even if you get a used motor.  Which for us was our only option.  So we saved the past few months and a few weeks ago finally was able to get it done.

Well, things have not been going as planned.  First motor the mechanic received from his dealer was bad, then two more were the wrong motors.  He said this hasn’t happened before but OMG it’s annoying.  So we are now on week three and they are installing a motor they say should be right and work.  I surely hope so.  Of course we don’t know how good these motors are until we actually have them installed.

Thank goodness as well they come with a 6 month warranty!  So today is supposed to be the day it should be done. I am SO hoping that is so because D starts a brand new job on Monday. This job is a great opportunity for us.  BUT it’s hard for him to ride the bus, it will leave him stranded on his way home.  So we NEED this fixed by this weekend.  So any prayers or happy thoughts about that would be greatly appreciated.

Anyways, I know you are here for the weigh-in.  Today’s weigh in was a happy and depressing weigh in all at once.  I was glad that it’s higher than yesterday.  Yesterday’s was up several pounds from this weekend.  This weekend I was 311.8 and so freaking excited.  Then Monday comes and Bam it’s 316.   I was like WTF?  BUT I also knew I had some bloating going on (don’t you love being a woman?).  So I knew that the weigh in today wasn’t going to be good.  So I stepped on the scale and it said:

So I am up 1.4 pounds from last week.  It’s as if last week didn’t even happen. Sigh…. But hey I am still down.  So since it’s the end of the month our totals are as follows.  I have been doing this now for two months and I am down a total for this month 7 pounds (which is my monthly minimum goal so yay me!) and 12.4 pounds since I started. I have to say I am still okay with those numbers.  I lost more this month than last month which is an improvement.

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Weigh-in Wednesday

Another week is upon us which also means another weighin.  This week was interesting because it’s my son’s Birthday.  He turned 12 on Monday.  I did great though, I didn’t eat the donuts, didn’t indulge in the pizza but did allow myself some cake.  I also had some left over cake yesterday.  And even though I had my small cheats I am proud to say I am still down 1.4 pounds this week!

Woot – Woot…. It’s a smaller loss but hell, I am just glad it wasn’t a gain.  I feel like anytime I go off plan I balloon up.  But this time I just made sure it was ONE thing and once in a day.  I think that part helped A LOT!  So on to the next week.  I am super excited.

Donuts Be GONE!

I said NO to the donuts this morning…. Honestly, it wasn’t all that hard.  I really felt like I really want progress over that donuts.  It’s not about being deprived.  A few weeks ago I got donuts and I ate just one.  But more so of how will I feel after I eat this?  Am I going to feel good or bad?  If it’s not going to make me feel good later then why eat it?

Normally after eating junk I feel tired, sluggish and blah.  I decided it wasn’t worth feeling tired for. For the first time in a LONG time, I really feel this whole weight loss thing is possible.  I can’t remember the last time I really did feel that way.  Sure there is that slight bit of doubt, but all in all as each day passes I see a little more glimmer of hope.

So why sabotage it?  Why let food win?  

Anyways, today is my son’s birthday hence the donuts.  I don’t buy them often but I thought I would for his special day.  He is 12 years old today.  I can’t believe how fast the time has come and gone.  I still remember his birth like it was yesterday.  His was my easiest and fastest labor.  And his birth was what made me realize that I too someday wanted to be a midwife after having one assist my birth with him.

He was a beautiful baby boy.  🙂 Happy Birthday C Tonight we plan to have pizza, so to keep it low carb I plan to eat toppings and to have some wings.  I am determined to get this darn weight off so not going to let this all derail me.  Saturday is his B-Day party as well that will just be some sweets/ice cream.  I am really trying to not get off plan like I did last month on Katies bday.  I know logically if I go crazy I will easily gain several pounds of water weight that will take one to weeks to get off and that’s a bunch of work for just a day or two of bad eating.  lol.

I will keep you guys up dated.  So Happy Monday everyone.  Hope you all had great weekends?

Weigh-in Wednesday

What day is it?  I SAID what day is it???? The crowd shouts, It’s WEIGH-IN WEDNESDAY (and crowd claps and cheers loudly).  That’s right folks, it’s another weigh-in Wednesday.  I am sure eager minds would like to know did Misty gain, lose or maintain this week?

This week has been pretty decent.  Stayed on plan, even dealt with some stress and didn’t cave into temptation.  While AF still hasn’t shown its ugly head I was still being optimistic.  Either way I told myself as long as I stay in the white that’s all that matters.

So what did my scale say this morning?  Well I will show you!

Tada….. I am down 3.8lbs from last week.  Boo-Ya! I am pretty happy about that and normally I don’t get excited about weight loss.  But this time I am because I know I am on plan, I am trying.  And honestly, this week I expected a gain given my previous month.  I am PMSing still so this is a good sign that I am LOSING and NOT gaining right now. So that my friend is good progress!  One to the next week!  Woot-Woot!

My Goals

Okay, so anyone who knows me knows that I am a spreadsheet queen.  My husband calls me the “nerd”.  If you know anything about Davy Ramsey you might know what he means by that.  I have a full spreadsheet for our budget that is a minimum of six months out, financial goals, vacations, etc.  So why would my weight loss goals be any different?

Because of yesterdays discovery I decided to create a spreadsheet so that I can follow my progress better.  I will be weighing in daily,  but more so for the chart and to catch patterns but, the focus will be on the bottom numbers.  The goal is to stay in the white.  Right now I am down from last month but over all from the beginning of January I am up still.  But that’s okay.

The chart shows what my weight was that I have recorded.  The blue boxes indicate when I started weighing in.  Red boxes are for AF.  Weight numbers in red, shows a gain and blue shows a loss.  Of course at the bottom you can see that the tally of my total loss for the month.  My weight-loss progress from my starting point (which right now is August) and my over all weight loss for the year.  Right now, I am still in the red as you can see.  But not for long.

I also did a chart for my measurements.  We always need measurements.  One of the odd things I found with mine, was I compared them to my measurements from 2013 and even though I am 14 pounds heavier the lower half of me got smaller!  What I did find was my bust grew the most.  My stomach went up anywhere from 1 to 2.5 inches.  So neck to hip was up but hip down was down.  Weird huh? So this chart is a little more simple.  I will do measurements just once a month.  It’s pretty self explanatory.  I am measuring my neck, both arms, bust, under my bust, upper belly (because I have a rolls lol) waist, lower belly (this was measured by the largest part of my lower stomach), hip (this is what I am under my lovely belly flap), legs, calves, and ankles.  I do measure both sides because I do have swelling issues so it’s important to see both sides.  Then of course on the bottom is how many inches there are of me lol and how much I have lost.

Either way we all have a starting point.  I feel like I have lots of starting points.  I told my friend that while I did start over, I am not going to do any more “start overs” it will be just a continuance progress.  We all fall from time to time.  I think it’s important to see those numbers going out of red.  It shows your progress to getting back on track.  So no more start overs.  Just moving forward.  I am proud of all this honestly.  It’s the first time in a long time I have felt hopeful.  Which btw isn’t often.  We shall see.  I am interested to see all the numbers for October.

Self Sabotage

Low and freaking behold I found out last night I have been self sabotaging myself all this time.  Who freaking knew?  Because, I sure did not!  So last night I was doing some research and decided to do a chart by month to see what my weight was to I can see if there is a pattern from when I lose vs gain.  While I did see a pattern for sure I also noticed another pattern.

In December I started working on my weight loss.  From December to March I had lost almost 15 pounds total by the end of the month.  The problem was each month my weight was fluctuating so much that I was focusing on how I was down and then shot back up.  Logically, I knew why (PMS).  My PMS lasts TWO freaking weeks in which I gain.  Once AF comes I lose again.

My research did find this to be true.  But what I found was even more shocking.  That even though I gained and lost through out the month each month I was still losing.  Not a lot but I WAS STILL LOSING.  Then in April I quit my job and ended up in a job I HATED.  Long story short, I got let go from that job for it wasn’t working out for either one of us and now I am home.

All in all I am glad to be home and working toward my longer term goal to be a midwife but what I noticed was during this transition I have been depressed.  I stopped weighing in and trying.  Then in October I was back up.  I went from being 15 pounds down in March to just two now in September.  This was HUGE.

It showed I CAN lose I just have to KEEP trying.  Like seriously NOT giving up like at all.  See in the past I would show small losses and regain get pissed and quit.  I would think what’s the point.  But I never tried to track by the month.  Stupid me.  Hell, I have been on this journey for almost 4 years.  In four years if I just lost 4lbs a month which seems to be my average I would have lost almost 200lbs by now.  I would have been at my GOAL weight.  WTF?

I consider this a HUGE wake up call.  So what if it takes me four years to get to goal.  I have my whole life.  I have been in the 300lbs range for five what’s losing it for four?  I have been so silly worrying about the weekly numbers I failed to see the big picture.  yeah a pound a week all in all is small especially someone my size.  But I am not like everyone else.

Losing weight for me is HARD.  My body gains and losing fluid often.  So that’s to be expected.  So, I lose slower than everyone else.  Who cares?  AS long as I can lose weight.  I was so set on immediate results that I just didn’t see.  Well, I guess that it’s better than not ever knowing at this point.  I am glad I noticed this trend.  I just wish I would have known about it sooner 😦 Oh, well like they say, everything happens for a reason.

 

For the newbies

I know not everyone here knew me from I Am NOT Just A Fat Girl.  It was the blog I did before this one.  It was centered just around my weight issues, as this one I like because it’s all about me.  My weight, family, kids, dreams, goals, etc.  You name it.  It’s all my “plus size” as in my big confessions.  My secret journal that I share with the world.  Not so much secret eh?

So, not all of you KNOW me.  I think it’s important my readers know who I am so I will try my very best to explain some of past without going into a full novel.  Who I am kidding… This will be a novel so grab some popcorn and get comfy.

I would say about 8 years ago now, I lost weight just fine.  I just had to TRY.  In fact, I managed to lose 60lbs after the divorce of my husband.  When I met my current husband I was 170 pounds.  For the first time in a LONG time I felt pretty.  But then something started changing.

In 2006 I lost weight I went from this

to this: (I wasn’t thin but I was getting there!)

In 2007 I met Derrick 🙂

 

 

Me in 2008

 

At the end of 2008 through 2009 I started to really gain weight.  We thought it was my thyroid (and still may have been?) Me in 2009 (this is one year from the pic above)

I started gaining weight again.  My doc knew eventually something was really wrong when my wisdom tooth started coming in and was infected.  For two weeks I ate barely a can of soup and lived off of pain killers.  I lost a couple of pounds.  It was then my doctor knew something just wasn’t right.

At this point I had already gained some weight, I am not sure of my exact weight but I do know I was in the 200’s.  I want to say around 230 maybe?  My doctor was concerned and checked my thyroid.  Sure enough it was off.  So like always, they just adjusted my meds and left it at that.

But that didn’t work.  I still kept gaining.  Then one day I started having a pain in my foot.  Two ER trips later we found that I had a superficial clot in my leg.  My doc too me off of birth control thinking the birth control caused it and well after that I was laid off and lost my insurance.

Fast forward 4 months and we find out I am pregnant.  By this time, I am still swelling.  By the end of the pregnancy my swelling got pretty darn bad.  But I was kind of ignored.  My doctor said that swelling can be normal but I knew for me this swelling wasn’t.

I swelled BAD! The day we had her (there is a 10 1/2 lb baby in there!)

 The doctors kept telling me all the swelling was “normal”

Long story short, I end up with Pre-eclampsia symptoms, a bit of protein in my urine and was scheduled for an induction two days later.  At 37 weeks I had via c-section a 10 1/2 pound baby girl.

Look at my legs!  This was when I was in labor!

 After I gave birth it wasn’t any better!

Shortly after her birth I blew up with fluid.  So much to the point I couldn’t breathe.  I went to THREE ER’s just to be told that I had pneumonia.

Finally, on a Thursday night just one week from the day my baby was born.  I told my fiance, I was going to die.  I couldn’t breathe, no one could help me, and I knew something was wrong.  By this time I was now about 320lbs and well no one really listens to you when you are 320lbs.  Your weight is the first thing they blame for EVERYTHING.

Well, after three ER’s basically telling me I am fine.  I felt doomed and my destiny was death.  I took a shower and cried.  I started to feel a bit faint so I got out and just then my c-section busted open.  The ER came and rushed me to the hospital.  I got lucky but it was just the first layer that busted open.

Me in the ER right after we found out about the fluid

They were just about to release me when the doctor asked “is there anything else I can help you with”.Those were magic words to my ears.  I said yes, I can’t breathe.  He asked me what exactly did I mean I couldn’t breathe.  Obviously, he see’s me breathing.  So I sat up from the hospital bed.  And immediately I started hyperventilating.  He was like huh, that’s not normal.  I was like no, I didn’t think so.

He asked if I had been seen by anyone and I said yes, three ER’s this past week and all say I have pneumonia.  Well, the ER doc thought that didn’t make any sense and wanted to check for himself.  And hour later I had a full team of doctors in my room.  I was told I was being taken to the ICU.  That I was going through heart failure and if they didn’t get the fluid off my lungs fast that my heart would stop and I would die.

It was very scary.  We found out the fluid was so bad it filled both my lungs, and was over flowing.  We were told just hours later and I wouldn’t be here today.  In just a week a total of 70lbs of fluid was taken off my body.

I walked out of the hospital weighing 250lbs.  Quickest weight loss I have ever had in my life!  But the story didn’t stop there.

 After I had 70lbs YES! SEVENTY POUNDS of fluid taken off of me! True story just ask my friends lol 🙂

My feet were normal too (this was right before I left the hospital)

This was June of 2011…. By January 2012 I started having breathing problems.  Not only that but my weight was back up to 280lbs.  I was afraid that the fluid was back.  I went to the ER.  The first time, I was told I was just over weight and needed to exercise more.

I explained to the guy that I was eating 1500-1800 cals a day, I tracked all my food and I was walking 4 miles a day while pushing a baby in a stroller.  How much more did he expect of me and yet, I couldn’t lose weight.  And I couldn’t shake the shortness of breath.

The very next day I decided not to play.  I picked my fiance (now husband) up from work and went to the ER again.  This time after waiting HOURS in the very back.  The patient they thought they were going to get sent home turns into an emergency patient.  Low and behold.  One CT later we found that it wasn’t fluid but clots in my lungs.

Another week in the hospital.  And we then I find I have a blood disorder Factor V.  Which is interesting because most who have it have troubles getting pregnant.  Apparently, I am rare.  But this wouldn’t cause my weight issues.

After that I am not just a fat girl was born.  I thought once I had found out about the blood disorder, and we got the clots under control and I was finally able to exercise I would be on my way to being small again.

Yeah, well, it’s 2015 and I am 300lbs and no closer than what I was now 4 years ago.  Sadly, my body has done this nice weird thing of gaining and losing the same pounds.  My current doc thinks all I am doing is gaining and losing fluid.  She said we have to find a way to lose the fluid AND then get to the point where I can actually burn fat.

But here is the thing, if they took off 70lbs of fluid and then months later I gain almost all it back (count some weight toward the baby I just had and that’s the rest) then how could this weight be mine?  I know that I don’t eat thousands of calories a day.  I surely don’t eat the amount they say someone my size would have to eat to maintain my weight.

But the hardest part about this journey is getting doctors AND insurance to work together.  Once I got back with my doc I get laid off again in June.  So now, I am without insurance and can’t see my doc yet.   I hoped to get a full hormone panel.  I think this hard due to insurance.  But I KNOW something hormonal is up.

I have been tracking my weight for 4 years.  And every month there is a pattern.  What is more crazy is I don’t weigh much different from when I “diet” vs when I don’t.  I may lose say 10-15 pounds and then I will just fluctuate those pounds.  I can increase my work out, change my diet, but I will still be about the same.

Just a bit of an example of what my weight was doing back in 2014…. As you can see for the two months my weight wasn’t really going anywhere.  At the time I was eating less calories I believe and going to gym several days a week, doing classes, etc.

I left my last blog because it got me seriously down.  I started to realize that I may not lose this weight.  I knew I was doing far more than a lot of people I knew and yet, Here I was still fat.  But because, I couldn’t convince doctors to look further I felt I wasn’t going anywhere.  I wasn’t a classic example for anything but that was the thing, I wasn’t for anything else either.  My edema, my clots, none of it was classic example.

Why must doctors fit me in a mold.  If a woman came in and said I can’t gain weight and was 80lbs a doctor would be concerned.  Would he naturally assume she starves herself?  That’s me, because I am big I must have ate myself here.  But I didn’t.  I know I didn’t.  And yet, I am left alone to figure out how the hell to fix it.  I am left with a body I don’t recognize, I am left with knowing that when I lose this weight I might have skin that won’t go back to normal size that due to my clots I probably can’t surgically fix.

I know so many say “I tried everything” I know many won’t believe that I have tried.  I know many will feel like I am making excuses.  But, those people haven’t been here.  Those people haven’t seen what I have done for me.  The times I have busted my ass and yet to see my body gain despite my efforts.  It’s DEFEATING.  It’s hard to watch someone cut soda and lose weight and yet, I completely change my weigh of eating, I went to boot camp classes, I was running and yet I couldn’t even lose 20lbs if I tried and keep it off.  I felt like a failure, I felt my body failed.  Doctors failed.  I was destined to be fat.

So I started this blog.  To accept the fat.  To accept we may not find out.  It doesn’t stop me from trying.  And maybe it was a form of giving up.  But I knew that I couldn’t spend my life constantly thinking about what I wasn’t accomplishing either.  I wanted to feel good about myself.  I may not be able to help what’s going on to me but I can learn to still love myself.  I think it’s HUGE to be this big and still love YOU.  I was 130 back in the day and didn’t love me.

So there you have it.  That’s my “short” story.  I know this still ended up long.  It’s hard to shove like 8 years in a few paragraphs.  But I hope that sheds some light.  I hope that makes people kind of see why when I lose weight right now, I don’t get so excited.  Why this struggle is so hard for me.  It’s not that I don’t believe it’s that I don’t know the answer.

 

 

 

Weigh-in Wednesday

So this morning I stepped on the scale.  Even though it’s a loss and it’s a good loss I am a bit annoyed.  One because I was smaller a two days ago even though I have eaten well.  This is what I weighed in a month ago around the same date (the 12th).  I am seeing a pattern with my weight and as I said last night it scares me.

It scares me because I fear I won’t lose and if doctors can’t find out why I fear I will always be in this body.  But, I am going to push through and keep going.  Usually at this time I would have declared defeat at this point once I realized it was repeating the cycle.  I am hoping that this is more of my own self sabotage than my health.  I want so badly to believe that.  Because if it’s not than I feel a bit doomed.

SO anyways, on to the weigh-in.  The weigh in is still pretty good.  I am down a total of  3.2lbs this week. Which puts me down to 8.6 pounds since I started.  I will discuss the fact I was at 10lbs down the first week into this and now only 8.6…. I will just keep moving and take this as a loss.  I swear though if I am back up at 320’s next week I might scream.

I am SOOOOOOOOOO tired of this roller coaster….. Either way, it’s all a learning experience and I told myself from the beginning that even if this doesn’t work it’s still good data for the doctors so maybe someone will listen.  It’s so interesting because if someone was losing weight despite eating a ton of food doctors would pay attention but yet, I can gain weight and it’s look at as I am doing something wrong.

It’s like society even though we know there are medical reasons that can cause you to gain (and I already have a couple of those) don’t want to really believe it.  We want to think that the person just is lazy and fat on purpose.  So is someone who is super skinny always starving themselves?  Don’t people get this is a huge double standard?

What’s worse is, I can take being shunned by the public in general.  I will take it as a lack of education.  But when I get this too from the medical community it saddens me.  I wonder how many others like me are working hard, doing all the “right” things and still struggling to keep pounds off and still being told you are just “not doing enough” as I have been told?

Anyways, this should be a happy post.  Let’s hope next week is more losses and the weeks to come. I didn’t eat several things I wanted to this weekend.  Heck, even yesterday.  I am so proud of myself for doing so!  So I hope some progress comes very soon! I would like to be out of 300 by November!

Get rid of those roots

So today I decided to get another hair trim.  A few months ago I got a bad hair cut.  It was supposed to be this cute cut where it’s shorter in the back and longer in the front.  I think it’s called an A-Line Bob? Anyways, the stylist did a stacked bob and well, it wasn’t exactly what I wanted.  Not only that she didn’t do a very good job.  I haven’t used this person before and well, lesson learned stick to what you know.

So I went to my trusted stylist and she fixed my hair for me.  However, because the cut wasn’t quite like it should be she said that I would have to come back a couple of times to get my hair just right for how I want to grow it out.  So today I finally went.  I decided to get rid of the long front and just try to make it all more even and I have to say I am pretty pleased.  As you can see below my roots were very much coming through 🙂

 

Nothing like a good color and cut to make you feel better 🙂 Oh and I also picked up my shoes today.  I got two pairs for 53 cents total.  I used some of my sears surprise bucks.  The yellow shoes are cute in person but I think look a little weird on my feet.  They are also a little big.  But I figured I would either resale them or keep them.  Haven’t decided just yet.

Either way, hey, they were 50 cents can’t beat that.  So tomorrow will be Weigh-in Wednesday.  I am not really sure what the scale will say.  It’s been a bit crazy lately.  I will say the past two days I had a bit of a freak out moment.  I went back to previous weigh-in’s and I weigh what I did around this date last month.  And then the weight went back up.  This has been my cycle in the past.  Where every month I will just keep fluctuating the same pounds.  But, I am going to keep positive and keep telling myself that just because this happened before doesn’t mean I can’t some how break through.  So I will not allow this to defeat me and I will still keep pushing forward!

Weigh-In Monday

I wanted to let everyone know that my Weigh-in Monday will now start on Wednesday’s.  I am in a group and that’s when we do weigh-ins.  I just find it easier to have things all in one day.  I think this was actually why I use to have it on Wednesdays and some how I just worked back to Monday?  Not sure.  I think it’s because in most minds Monday is the start of a new week.

So anyways, make sure you check in on Wednesday to see if I gained, lost or maintained.