Yep, Changing it up again…

You guessed it…. After this past month I have decided I need a new plan. Judge me if you may but I see a lot of this as a process of learning what works for you.  What works for me is something different. This whole month has been nothing but a bust.  I am almost certain I going to be up by the 31st.  The thing is that I haven’t went completely crazy or anything just the plan isn’t working for MY lifestyle.

I deeply do believe in eating lower carb.  I think there is some great science behind it.  But for me, it’s just not feeling right. So I made a decision.  I decided to stop stressing about things and just eating a more portioned controlled diet.  I am not doing any certain plan but the idea is kind of based around the 21 day fix.

I am not however, doing this plan BUT think the idea behind the portion control containers is helpful. For me the general basis is pretty simple and easy to follow.  I do believe in a little more fat in my diet so somethings will be adjusted but I think over all this might be something better for me.  I really have noticed one of my biggest issues is portions.

With eating lower carb I can still eat larger amounts of foods (aka meat) but I noticed that you do have to watch this, hence why I think LCHF came into play because as we know now that too much protein can also turn into sugar.  I wonder if maybe this was happening to me?  Either way, I feel my life does need more carbs than I was giving it.

This for me is a personal choice.  I don’t feel like there should be a one size fits all when it comes to diet. I am just trying to find the right formula for me.  I also will not being weighing in for November at all unless necessary until the end of the month and will still do my measurements on the 14th.  I think the measurements last month showed me just how much the scale may not be the best way for me to determine progress.

My last step is getting active again.  This one has been pretty hard for me because I haven’t been all that active the past several months.  My poor gym membership has been such a waste.  With DH working so late by the time he gets home going to the gym doesn’t fit much into my schedule.  I am hoping to figure out another plan until we get a second car (at that point I will go during the day).

All in all I feel much better about this decision.  I don’t want to fret about food all the time.  Nor, do I like the effect I get with going too low carb and blowing back up really fast the second I eat a carb.  I found that I didn’t have the same effect when I ate carbs in moderation (for me that’s sticking still to under a 100 grams per day).  So I think I will stick to what really did work a couple of years ago.  Portion I think really is the key so we shall see…

I do really hope to get off this roller coaster soon and find some kind of solution that works for my body so I can just move forward instead of up and down!  Sigh….

 

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To My Lonely Friend

Dear Lonely Friend,

I recently read your blog post tonight and it really hit home to me.  You were talking about being alone and not really feeling like you had any friends to talk to.   I really felt this post because I too have been feeling very much the same way.

I had a mix of emotions really.  My first thoughts were of sadness for you my friend.  Sadness that I have not been doing enough as a friend to you.  Even though I know we are not close, I knew I could have done more.  I think about you often and have even had a few ideas of some fun playdates and MNO (Mom’s night outs) in mind since I have been home but haven’t voiced these ideas yet because money has been iffy with DH new job and I wanted to get us settled with me now being a stay at home mom.

I also felt sad because, I knew that you my friend have been going through so much and I could see this but felt of no help because I too felt much like you.  Even when I could have used your help today I didn’t want to call because I didn’t want you to think that the only time I want you is when I need something from you. When it feels like majority of the time that is when I call.

That makes me feel like a bad friend….

Other thoughts were wondering, what you were doing in your life to get people interested?  I know sometimes you do post out loud asking if anyone wants to join in but that’s almost like an open invite and now I am almost inviting myself?  (I don’t know?  Saying that out loud it sounds dumb now lol but it was how it felt).

I knew for me that when I feel lonely on the friendship radar I think to myself, how much of a friend have I been?  Who have I contacted to ask if any said friends are okay?  Have I contacted them with out expecting to unleash all the things wrong with me?  I had thought about this and I knew I haven’t invested much in my friends and thought maybe that’s why they are not investing much back?  Kind of like one of those you get what you put into it type deals?  I wondered, if maybe that’s what happened with you?

The fact of the matter is right now, I am not much of a good friend, mom, wife, etc you name it.  I personally have been pretty depressed.  Like, serious probably should be calling one of those hotlines for help depressed.  I normally feel often like I don’t have a place here.  I feel like I am going through the motions until I finally get to leave.

Sure, I love my husband and my children.  I even sometimes want to see them grow up.  But then there are still other times where I really feel done.  I feel like I am so tired and I just want this to be over already.  I just don’t really enjoy the journey.  I have come to the realization that I don’t know how to be happy and the worst part is, I am not sure I really want to?

I feel very much a failure on many levels.  I don’t know my place and feel like I am just a warm body.  I know there are many who won’t understand these feelings.  They won’t understand how the other side seems like a pleasant calm.  Serenity.  A calling if you may.  That even though I may seem happy or even convince myself, it’s just a matter of time before it whispers in my ear again.

See my friend, I can’t be much of a friend to you because I just don’t love me right now.  I am so unhappy with so many things.  I probably shouldn’t even be.  I know I hold the cards or so they say but it seems no matter what hand I deal it’s not enough.  It’s never enough because it’s never what I…. well, I guess what I dreamed of?

Maybe, it’s the grass is greener on the other side type deal?  All I know my friend is, just know, I do think about you.  I see you, I see that you are just as sad as me.  I even think of,  why are we not hanging out?   Because hell, it sounds like right now we have lots in common.  But when you are in this place…  You close yourself.  Misery unlike the catchy phrase doesn’t always like company.  In fact, company sometimes can make it go away….. No, Misery likes you alone, with your thoughts, where it can manipulate you and tell you all the things you want it to say.  Things others wouldn’t dare say to you because frankly they don’t see you the way YOU see you.

People don’t like sad.  Depressed.  And lonely.  I learned this years ago.  They like happy.  Happy isn’t me.  I am and have always been the depressed sad girl.  While, I hope that won’t always be, I can’t help but feel it’s probably my destiny.  My friend, I just can’t be someone’s friend it seems.

I don’t have the energy to think of someone else, and unwrap myself of my own woe is me.  It’s selfish, and I know this.  What’s worse is the very thing you are seeking, I too am seeking.  Almost like a call for someone to save me.  Notice me.  I don’t know really.  Just…. It’s all a blank space…..

So, I am sorry my friend, I truly am.  I am sorry it’s been rough, and you are lonely.  But I will say that like me we have to just get up and figure this out.  If it’s getting that therapy…. That’s what we will do. If it’s just calling the friend first, then so be it.  If it’s just getting dressed today, or going for a simple walk then that’s what we will do.  And if it’s just saying I hear you then that’s what we will say….

Hugs my friend.  This side is never fun and I am sorry you are on it.  May you find the answers you are seeking.  But know, that only we control our happiness (or I want to believe) no one can make us happy we have to find that with in ourselves. I hope you can find your happy….. In the mean time know, I hear you and I see you even if I don’t always say it.  Big Hugs….

 

Sincerely,

Your lonely friend

Been MIA

I have been super busy lately and will blog more about that this week.  But the biggest thing has been my weight really got me down this month.  Like before it just started creeping back up.  Like before once losing close to 20lbs I started to regain again.

I knew however, that I had eaten out a few times and DH and I went out for a weekend this past weekend for our up coming anniversary of us being together (8 years and counting).  But all in all I was disappointed.  I keep waiting for AF and nothing.

I know I have an IUD so it throws things off and I was for sure the gain was from PMS (and still maybe) but ugh.  I am like 50 days of no AF I think my body is like wtf lady.  But anyways, so I vowed to just take it easy this month.  I still will weigh in at the end of the month.

But next month my goal is to not weigh in again until the end of the month. I don’t want to stress about every single thing I am eating and analyzing everything.  I know with my fluid issues it’s important for me to weigh but honestly, I can tell when I swell and don’t and if anything feels different I will do a weight check.

This process was to be more positive and love me so apart of that is just slowing down and smelling the coffee and not stressing on how long this process will take.

On the plus side DH is now at his new job and has been for the past 3 weeks and he seems to LOVE it.  I am so happy for him.  The money is pretty decent to.  It has allowed me to not have to go back to work which is great.  Right now we are just slightly shy what we made with us both working.  I personally would rather be here, then to bust my butt for just a few extra dollars.

Anyways, just wanted to give a bit of an update and to let everyone know I am still here 🙂

New hair!

So for the past several months I have been blonde.  I think this was the LONGEST I have stayed blonde. I tend to dye my hair often and really felt like I needed to just do it and dye it back to brown. This color was supposed to have some red in it but I don’t see any red really in person.  I was going to re-color it but decided to just let it be.  I know it will lighten up in time (It’s a little darker than I was going for).

I am also going to try to just keep my hair more natural.  All this dying my hair I swear, is just not so good for my hair and the blonde is a pain to maintain.  I kind of hate it because I LOVE being blonde.  I feel prettier and sexier some how blonde.  Well, when my hair is all fixed up that is.  I always feel so boring brown.  It’s not that I have anything against brown hair or anything.  I love brown hair on some people just for me, it feels so meh.

But hey, ya know, sometimes you just gotta love you for you and well, I have brown hair (well really it’s more like a dirty blonde as it grows out) so I should love that part of me too.  I am tired of constantly feeling a need to change me.  My hair, style, myself in general.  So here is my “boring” brown hair lol. on a plus side I always feel the darker color brings out my eyes.  What do you think?

Weigh in Wednesday

Today is Weigh in Wednesday.  I have been dreading this weigh since last week.  Not only was I up last week but this week I have stayed up which sucked.  Then this weekend we ate out for dinner.  This apparently didn’t help at all.

I also noticed I was ovulating last week which means it’s PMS time (as a reminder to those who may not know what PMS is for many confuse it with AF it’s a week (or two in my case) before a woman’s period).  Yay me. NOT.  I am hoping this is why I am not losing well this week.  I know yesterday I was stumped the scale didn’t move at all since I knew I was eating on plan.  So then I thought, maybe it’s inch loss?

I knew deep down this wasn’t true either because I could tell that ever since my organizing on Monday I was pretty swollen and woke up still feeling swollen.  But I thought what the heck, I will try on the pants I could almost fit into just two weeks ago.

Yeah, that wasn’t a great idea, I think they were tighter than they were the first time I put them on a month ago as my first “goal jeans”.  Sigh….. So this morning I wasn’t excited to weigh in.  Worst yet, I also had to measure myself because it’s been a month.  Who wants to measure while being all bloated.

Eh, I figured oh well miles well so I did and the results are:

I am up .2 oz from last week.  I have to say I was still SHOCKED at this because I was up more yesterday.  I knew it was fluid because I peed a lot.  I hate fluid btw.  PMS causes me to bloat up to 10 pounds.  But my inches is what got me the most.  If you look at the chart you can see I am up 3.4 pounds since the last time I measured.  (that’s depressing) but what’s NOT depressing is look at how many inches I am down.  I am down a total of 13.5 inches off my body!  Now, I know that the gain in weight is not muscle (remember, muscle does NOT weigh more than fat it’s more dense which btw could explain the loss in inches).  I have to say given the pants yesterday and the swelling I really thought it was going to be an increase of numbers.  So for me I guess you can say you can’t fully go by the scale OR by your clothes lol.  All in all I was pleasantly surprised.

It’s time to Organize.

When you are a working parent there is so much stuff you really feel you just can’t do.  Scratch that. No, it’s not that you can’t do it, it’s just that you no longer have the energy or the desire to do it.  This is even if it does bug you.  For me that challenge is cleaning.

I will not lie.  I am by far probably one of the worst housewives.  I am not the best at daily cleaning, cooking, etc.  But it doesn’t mean that mess doesn’t get to me.  It does, just, it usually requires ME to clean it and well,  it overwhelms me.  Thus making me not want to do it.

Having a home where 7 people live here you can imagine how fast my house gets messy.  What’s worse is,  you can clean the entire house and the very next morning it’s already messy again with little effort. It’s like seriously WTF?

So now that I have all this time on my hands during the day and I am seriously tired of just watching tv, I wanted to start tackling the house.  Doing all the things I have been putting off because most of the time I was just too tired after work to do so.  That and I don’t care to clean with an audience.

One of the areas in the house that annoys dh and I the most is probably the kitchen.  Well, I know at least bothers me.  I have to organize this area probably at least once a month or more.  One of the hardest things to deal with is the food containers and their lids.

I was so excited to have what I thought was a great idea.   I went this weekend to buy several things to help organize parts of the house.  I had bought this little cube thingies but wasn’t sure what I was going to do with them.

Originally, I had them on one of the shelves in the kitchen but after I started to organize that area, I then had other plans.  Before I knew it my kitchen area was much more organized and I was a much happier person.  I am working on having a “Place” for everything as you can see.

So here you can see my kitchen organization skills lol.  I am not all that crafty or creative so this is as good as it gets for me lol. I also organized M”s art stuff (crayons, paper, etc).  Then it was to the next room.

After I was done with organizing the shelf in the kitchen it was time to clean the bathroom and organize that.  I also hung up another one of the pictures I painted in one of those painting classes.  Ya know the ones where you get to drink wine?  There is one I LOVE to go to because instead of everyone painting the same thing (like most of these classes), they let you paint whatever you want at this place.  I think it’s super fun!  I painted the butterfly and the tree myself (well they helped draw it I did the rest).  I thought they went well with our purple bathroom so hung them there. I just love the quote that is hanging on the wall as well.  I tend to read it when going potty lol.

After all of that, I took a rest.  Then the kids came home.  Helped me clean up the living room and then I also steam cleaned the carpets.  Oh, yeah and I chased down our dogs in between that too because they got out.  I was going to go to the gym but I was actually do sore by the time 7pm came around.   I realized all the cleaning and organizing ended up being a pretty good work out.  My feet were in physical pain.  Sigh.

Today the task will be my room which is already tornado alley since I went in search for something and I threw a ton of things on the floor.  I had to re-assure dh that it will be clean today.  I also have plans to organize my desk this week and oh yeah, fold AND (key word AND) put up the clothes.  In between doing the never ending laundry.

So with that, what things do you do to keep your house more organized and clean?

Being A SAHM Mom Again

Okay, so I am now a SAHM and I have to say while apart of me is really happy to be back home and to be with my daughter I am struggling with “where’s my place”?.  For years now I have worked.  We have only went through small spurts of me not working (mostly over health issues) but I haven’t been an actual SAHM not requiring me to have a job since my youngest was 3 years old.  He is now 12.

So a huge portion of my life now has been me working, being independent and not being home.  IF I was home I was working from home.  I am struggling with adjusting to my new life style.  Right now we still just have one car, so that also means I am pretty much stuck at home too (but we are working on that).

I have things to do persay (aka clean) but lets face it, I am not a great housewife.  Just ask my husband.  Funds are not horrible but not really in the place to really take up hobbies.  I do enjoy being with M but she is pretty independent too.  I find myself plopped on the computer or couch most of the time and doing laundry (oh the laundry).

I am not longer the one bring in the money.  I don’t make a lot of the decisions anymore.  It’s almost like what do I do?  What’s my purpose now?  I mean of course I am a mom, don’t get me wrong (but again remember independent child).  Not to mention next year she is going to school.  I seriously I would go nuts if all my day consisted of was cleaning (sorry, it’s just not me!).

So I feel stuck.  I am happy to be home and GLAD to not be working outside the home and I know eventually I will be doing my midwife studies.  But until then…. Then what?  I am also struggling with my role too.  Before when I worked DH and I worked more together now I am home (which does make sense) I feel anything that needs to be done is now on me.

I don’t know why this annoys me but it does.  It’s like oh because I am home I can do everything for everyone else.  I guess I am struggling with finding me?  OR becoming shall I say more domesticated and enjoying it?  Who knows but that just sounded bad lol.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with being a housewife, cleaning, cooking.  But I will say I still need more!  Sigh…

And then there is money.  While, we always combined the money it no longer feels mine too.  I know it doesn’t make much sense.  But it all feels like his.  I feel like slowly and surely I am giving up all my control which isn’t a horrible thing, but it also makes me feel useless.  Everything I did to hold my family to do my family doesn’t need anymore.

My kids all have chores so for the most part the house gets straighten up with out much of my help.  The older kids normally don’t need much help with school these days.  Money is finally at a happy place, so I don’t have to worry about struggling the budget to make magic happen.  Our van is now fixed.  Aside from our budget and keeping the four yr old alive that’s my day.  That’s *all* I do.

I sit in jammies all day long (because frankly jeans and stuff at this weight isn’t comfy anyways) but I feel blah.  ugh…. I hate this transition.  IT’s hard you want to be grateful but at the same time you are like but, it’s still not just right yet?  I don’t know.  Don’t mind me.  Anyways… Anyone has any helpful ideas (that don’t involve being a compulsive cleaner or remodling my house because we rent and I can’t change much) lol I am open ears.  Oh yeah, and I know about walking lol it’s on the list lol.

Weigh in Wednesday

I would love to say I lost this week but I didn’t.  In fact I am up 3.2 pounds from last week and like 6 pounds from Friday.  Ugh, I didn’t eat all that awesomely this weekend due to dh’s bday weekend.  I know it’s mostly fluid retention.  But the reason that fear is there mostly is from my past.

I know many haven’t followed me from my I am not just a fat girl days.  I have been battling this weight issue for the past 4 years.  It hasn’t been your typical I ate a bunch of crap all the time and just didn’t care story.

For me it’s been a journey of medical issues that have been a huge factor of me being the size I am and doctors stumped on why leaving me with the lovely task of trying to figure it out pretty much on my own.  But these links here, here and here probably can give you a bit of insight of this journey and why it’s different.

I also know gains are normal, I know that sometimes you can gain quiet a bit and yeah, it sucks it comes on MUCH faster than it goes off.  I just want to make sure I am consistently going forward and not backwards.

I am hoping that my revolution of just sticking with it even though the losses are small is going to be the key.  I have to really focus on not paying too much attention to the numbers in the middle of the month but more so the numbers at the end.

I also do need to weigh in often though because I do struggle with fluid issues, it’s important for doctors to see the patterns and make sure I don’t gain too much too fast when I do.  This journey has been a process for sure.

So it’s a bump (hopefully) I am still sticking to my theory that I will not return to what I was.  I am nervous because I can tell I am ovulating.  I know that in my past once I started to ovulate gain I couldn’t lose weight.  I didn’t have AF last month at all and I had a great loss.

I do fear that history might be repeating itself.  But for now, I have to quiet those fears and say no, we will push through that was the past and this is present.  Worse case, it does and then I have a ton more information for the doctors.  One way or another I will figure this out!

 

 

Holy gains batman

So this weekend wasn’t on plan at all.  It was hubby’s birthday so we had several events this weekend all included not really having many low carb options.  Stepped on the scale and I have gained 9lbs since friday.  5 alone since yesterday.  Geez…. Who says you don’t gain it over night lol I do! lmbo.

But that’s okay, I know I can’t possibly gain 9lbs of fat in just two days.  So the next few days it’s damage control, getting the water weight off and such.  I am thinking my weigh in might be slightly up but next week it should be back to normal.  Is my guess at least. So on the weekend festivities.

Friday hubby wanted to go to Ihop so we had breakfast there, then we took the little one to the park.  After that we picked up the big kids from school early, took them to the part and then the movies.  After the movies we went to Buca Di Peppo for some pasta (drool).   Then that night we met up with some of the hubbies old friends for a baby shower.

 

 

 

Saturday we went out to eat.  Hubby wanted pizza and there is a really great pizza place called Serious pizza in Deep Ellum in Dallas.  Low and behold after we order the electricity goes out for the whole strip and next street over.  We then got our refund and off we went to the next place.  We ended up at another pizza joint, called Piggy pie or something like that.  It was pretty darn good too.  After we really didn’t have much of an idea on what to do so, we just went to the liquor store got some pina colada mix and some white Russian and made some drinks at home.

Sunday, another friend was having a baby shower.  So we spent all after noon with some loaded nacho’s, friends, drinks and fresh little baby.  It was a really nice time and we enjoyed meeting so
me new people!

 

Oh! and good news, our van is FIXED AND today is hubby’s first day at his brand new job!  This is great for us and some exciting opportunities for us all!  I am super excited.  This also means I can finally get back to the gym.  Woot-woot.

All in all despite the gains I think it was still a nice weekend 🙂 I really did enjoy myself and my time with hubby.