Depression is no laughing matter

I have a long history of depression.  I know first hand just how hard depression can be.  Not only have I struggled with depression bu,t I also struggle with thoughts of suicide.  Many don’t know but there are different forms of depression.  Mine typically go beyond just having the blues.  Feeling a bit down because something happened. Or just not wanting to get out of bed because I am sad.

It’s not because “I have no friends”, I think “no one cares about me” or I am just “lonely”.  While this may be the reason for some, it’s not the reasons for me. At least not the entire reasons my brain thinks this way.  I have thought this way since I was a pretty young kid.  There are many events that have stemmed to it, so I can’t say those are not factors but I do know that I never felt my feelings to be “normal”.

I always have said that those who have constant suicidal thoughts that this was more like having a disease vs having a hard time.  I say this because these thoughts come even when I don’t feel sad.  It reminds me much like an alcoholic.  While they may go with out drinking for years they still have to fight each day not to drink.

It’s how things sometimes overwhelm me.  At times having family/friends are the only reasons I stay. Which in itself cause ME more pain.  The whole stigma one is “selfish” because they want to die just shows how many of those people just.don’t.get.it.

We think because mental pain isn’t like physical pain, we think because we can’t see it it’s as if it’s not real.  But that’s not true at all.  If someone was in deep physical pain and wanted to finally pass on I think a lot of people would understand.  But with mental pain it’s conceived as a choice.  AS if choose to have these thoughts.

AS if I choose for my brain to feel overwhelmed with life in general, choose to feel the way I do.  This doesn’t feel like a choice.  If I had a choice I wouldn’t feel it…. I wouldn’t think it.  I wouldn’t dream about it.  No this is much deeper than that.  And I talk about it more depth in a previous blog I wrote; I am the face of suicide.  

However, as much as I say this isn’t a choice, I have to still find a way to almost make it one.  Just like people who are pain can make a choice to keep living despite the pain.  I have to do the same.  Maybe it’s hormones (which is my guess, usually when it’s this bad my levels are really off), but it’s my job to figure it out.

To find proper counseling, to get up each day.  To find a reason each day to live.  Because sometimes life doesn’t always feel so grand.  For me its constant noise.  Static that I hear through out the day and it gets louder and louder.  I have to sometimes shut myself in a room by myself to finally have some sort of peace.

The problem with that is sometimes, when you are alone your thoughts will haunt you and that’s scary too.  I found the key sometimes is to be alone but busy.  It’s still hard to be here for me, but I am trying. I know this isn’t the best of subjects, but this is me, my real life.  In my real life it’s not peachy at all.

I would love to be one of those plus size woman who is all about loving myself with pride.  Heck, I can even take the one who doesn’t and is striving to not be I guess…. For now I feel like the woman who is just trying to survive.  I realized no one is going to save me. no one.  There will be no knight in shining armor.

There will be no pleads not to go.  It’s just not that way.  And honestly, I wouldn’t tell anyone anyways. I always felt those who tell people their plan really don’t wanna die, they want to be saved.  Otherwise they wouldn’t have told you.  So I guess since I am sharing this today I don’t wanna die.  Everyday, I am here is another day I don’t wanna die.

Doesn’t mean the thought doesn’t cross my mind from time to time.  But it’s thoughts that I don’t plan to act on anytime soon.  But it’s still there, very real, and in my ear.  I am not sure how long I can really hold it off or if I can really defeat that voice.  At this point it almost feels like it’s apart of me.  But I would like to believe that’s not true.

It’s funny because my post today was NOT going to be about this.  But as I sat down and started typing it just keeps flowing.  It’s a bunch of gibberish typing.  With no true story or meaning really behind just random thoughts in my mind.  So don’t mind me.  Just know I’m here.  Struggling, but working….  Soon hopefully, I will be back to my lighter side.  For now I am taking a bit of a social media break until I can get somethings in order.

 

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Why do I like to be sad?

11/16/2015

I wrote this below yesterday, I even posted it for a brief moment and almost immediately after I hit post – I ended up in a huge argument with my dh,  and everything I had just felt was gone and out the window.   I took the post down because I did want to appear to be a “fraud” lol (so silly, I know) and I left the house to think about some things and ended up buying groceries for the week.

One of the things I learned yesterday was just because you see the problem, it doesn’t mean that you still know exactly how to fix it or that it will be fixed right then and there.  Sometimes this is even true when you have the required tools.  It’s like weight loss.  I know all the required tools to lose weight but once I put them into play when they don’t work the way I want them to so in return, I get upset.

I found myself very sad this morning, like most mornings lately.  I eventually pulled myself out of bed, had some chips and queso (don’t judge lol) and watched me some sister wives (again no judging lol). For about 1hr I had full BLISS…. The house was quiet.  No one was talking to me, my husband was at work, the big kids were at school and the little one was asleep still (bless her).  For a short hour it was just ME.

It was a much-needed hour.  I was able to welcome our daughter openly when she awoke and start our day drama free. I am not “okay” today, and I probably won’t be “okay” tomorrow.  I won’t be “okay” probably for a while.  Some days are easier than others.  Just like many days I had thoughts, even a plan… But I am here. 

I wanted to still post below because maybe, these words will help someone else.  And to re-read them myself for today and any other day I may need to hear it.  Please know, this is VERY long and I apologize in advance.  I am not nor have never been one of a few words.

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11/15/2015

Why I don’t want to be happy?  I had to think about this question for a minute because I didn’t have an answer right away.  So then I thought, maybe the question should be, why do I like to be sad?

FEAR

My first thought about being sad is that I had a fear of happiness.  I know this sounds weird right? Why would one actually fear happiness? Well for me happiness has a negative notion behind it. Kind of like what happens for instance, if a child is acting up and you put them in their bed every time they do something wrong but then down the road your child starts having issues wanting to go to bed and fights you.

The “experts” say,  don’t put them to bed, they will then associate with going to bed as a negative thing and will then feel like bed is more of a punishment instead of something that we need.  Sleep is a positive experience that is required for our bodies to perform to it’s best.  By making it negative, your child will reject this positive feeling.  This scenario is very similar to what has happened to me.

I have learned over the years that, happiness always feels like a short-term idea.  Happiness is something that happens for a short time and then is quickly swept away with something bad.  Or as I would say two times bad for one piece of happiness.  Every time something great happened, something negative followed…  Thus ending the happiness.   The problem was I liked the happiness!  So much so,  I didn’t want it to ever leave.

Because I wanted the happiness to NEVER leave, this then fuels what I believed what happiness is:  “To have true happiness you will be happy for an extended period of time.”  Of course I had no clue how long was too long but defiantly seemed to know what was too short!  Therefor, meaning I was not having “true” happiness. Or also in my case bad things are created from happiness… Now, logically, deep down I do know that this isn’t true but, it still doesn’t seem to change the feeling.

Why?

Well, because the part of being sad is that you are already sad.   There is no “sadder” place to go!  So, even if more and more bad things happen, you are already there (in sadness).  You didn’t “down grade” to another level of sadness (which kind of can happen but we won’t discuss this today). So it then appears as if “more” sadness happens with happiness vs sadness.  It’s all in relative, an illusion.  Because the facts are, usually, when you are sad, more sad does tend to follow.  Which would prove that sadness can happens whether or not you are happy OR sad.

EMBARRASSMENT

My second thought of becoming happy was out of embarrassment.  This is stemmed more so along the lines of, everyone see’s your happiness, makes a comment about your happiness, says, “how much *better* you are”, as if there was something wrong with you before?   I can associate this with weight loss.  Your friends, family, etc were always your friends even when you were heavy.  But when you lose a ton of weight they notice you and make comments about how much lost, how great you look, etc. You then become slightly embarrassed.

Not only embarrassed but this feeling also sparks resentment.  By all means were you so horrible looking before?  Or were you so unbearable before?  You wonder how people easily except someone who is happy, who is then welcomed with open arms.  However, No one thinks twice about your happiness.  By all means, because you appear “happy” you are then “okay”.   You are more accepted.

No one is asking you, why are you always so happy?  (okay, this kind of does get happy but that’s usually followed by you NOT being happy before).  What are happy for?  Or says, “you shouldn’t be so happy”…. But, when you are sad you are told you MUST change.  Your feelings are bothersome to me, it’s not pleasant, it’s not okay, and it’s not what I was told you should be feeling.  As I have evolved into this human that I am, I have learned we have been taught what is okay and what is not.  Sadness is not okay but happiness is.  Your unhappiness is wrong…. You then begin to pull back because you feel you are being changed.  (Which now goes back to fear of change and the debate on who should change and WHY).

Because you hold on to this resentment you fall deeper and deeper into being unhappy, over weight, etc. However, this action isn’t helping you.   Once again start to feel the embarrassment, shame, and sometimes you wonder what is *wrong* with you?  You wonder why you always feel this way? Look this way?  And why others don’t?  Why don’t they have to fight for happiness like you do? Honestly, even I don’t have these answers.

ADMITTING YOU WERE WRONG

But these questions then lead to another type of embarrassment.   Which is admitting you were wrong. (which we talked a little about a minute ago).  You could fix that you were overweight and just didn’t.  Maybe you didn’t know how, maybe you didn’t believe in yourself.  What ever the answer, but then one day you do find the answer and now you see you can do it.  But there is still a bit of this feeling of, why didn’t I just do this sooner?  Was all those years I was overweight/depressed wasted?  Or say, you so thought an outcome would go one way and everyone said it would be another.  You didn’t believe them.  Turns out they were right.  It wasn’t as bad as you thought. You made this huge scene to be wrong.  That is embarrassment….

My last thought was what if I am right?  What if I get to happiness and I still am not “happy”. Through out all my efforts I am still good enough.  What if I am still not happy enough or I can’t achieve happiness?  The saying “you can have whatever you want as long as you don’t give up”… What if this wasn’t true?  What if this turns out different.  But then you have to ask is the statement true?  Do we always get EXACTLY what we want if we work for it?

Personally, I say no, not all the time that is.  But what is more important is your expectations of the goal. Let’s say for instance, I wanted to Paint a picture.  I paint one but then end up unhappy because I don’t think it’s good.  Technically speaking I did what they statement said, “I didn’t give up”, I did paint the picture.  BUT the picture wasn’t to *MY* expectation.  So therefor, I still didn’t complete the task, even though, technically, I did…

I believe a lot of what causes ourselves to feel what we do is based on what our expectations are. This is why you can have someone who is homeless and humble.  How someone else can have lots of money and yet say they still need more? It’s because we have expectations.  Now, expectations are not bad. They can be great motivators but I also believe in realistic expectations. too.

For example I am a mother of four children.  From teenagers to a toddler/pre-schooler it would be a false expectation for me to think my house will be always clean, quiet or I could actually watch my favorite shows in peace while my four-year old is awake.  How do I know this?  Because it’s real life. Toddlers are demanding and still learning boundaries.  Teenagers are slobs and testing their boundaries and independence.  So while at times I may have quiet times, and clean rooms this probably will not happen all.the.time.

This doesn’t mean we don’t strive for the goals but to tell ourselves to try not to get so upset all the time over them when they don’t always happen (hence myself we don’t always get what we want, especially when we want them).  Sometimes, we are pressured by society telling us our children must act a certain way, we must be and look just as so or there is something wrong with us.  We are not parenting right? We will in fact screw up our children, ruin our lives, or god forbid be a disgrace to others.

If you put together just these three things in general the common denominator is fear and expectations. Fear of failure, fear of pain, fear of not being good enough, fear of being wrong, etc. Being happy comes with expectations.  Expectations that I cannot feel anything other than happiness (which ironically, similar expectations come with being sad).  Happiness sometimes means letting go of control.  Which is also a hot button for me.

There have been many times my husband has tried to be inspirational to me to “lift me up” I pull back… Why?  He means well, he is just trying to make me see what he sees?  Why does his happy words make me feel worse?  How is his happiness making me feel less pulled to fill it too?  By all means I do say I love this man?

It’s really because of the fact that sometimes, I want to feel the feeling.  Sometimes, I feel I need too. But deep down its these two main things.  What if I do what he says and it doesn’t work?  What if I am not happy?  What if something goes wrong?  What if….. The what if is what is killing me.  Why you ask? Because that what if is holding me back.  It’s holding me back out of fear and it’s setting me up.

WHAT IF

“What if” is your final set back… It’s setting me up because I know that bad things will happen.  Things will most likely not be exactly like I want it to be.  I know logically, that more money will not equal happiness (although, it helps lol).   I know more money just means more expenses.  Which is true for most people.  The more money we have the more money we always spend.  I have never had a month were we made more but spent exactly the same as the month we made less.  Why is that?

I know for me, sometimes it’s because I feel like it (money) is short-lived (like happiness)… I have learned most good things don’t last.  We are told this from the time we are basically born,  enjoy childhood, it doesn’t last… Enjoy youth, it doesn’t last… Enjoy your flawless skin, it doesn’t last… Enjoy your tiny waist, it doesn’t last… Enjoy being mobile, it doesn’t last… Enjoy staying out all night and then getting up early with energy, it doesn’t last… Enjoy sleep, because once you have children it doesn’t last…

Nothing good lasts!

We are programmed to feel like good things DON’T last.  Why?  Well, the fact are things, well, don’t….. They change, they evolve but they don’t always last.  We have a hard time adjusting to change. Finding new love for the change, and love for what has evolved.  So, you don’t get sleep! it’s now replaced with hugs, kiss, and yes long nights.  One day, those long nights will be gone and they will be quiet again.  (That quiet you wanted oh,so badly).  So instead of thinking what was now gone, now it’s time to think of all the things you wanted to do that quiet time you longed for.

Walk around your house naked?  Watch movies all day long?  Enjoy reading a book?  Bask in what you had actually asked for!  Because, what we ask for doesn’t always come when we ask for it.  This is a precise thing is a challenge for me.

So what do I do now?  That I am still working on…. Learning to let things go, let go of control, and smile when you don’t feel you have a reason to smile is hard work!  I say working on,  but lets face it, right now it’s more of a thought.   Kind of like ya know, eating that piece of fruit instead of the heaping bowl of ice cream.  One makes you feel good for a while but like many things it’s short term…

But even if you eat the bowl of ice cream and the happiness goes away it’s okay too!  Because that’s the beauty of it.  Just know it’s another day.  You DID enjoy that ice cream right? It felt good, mission accomplished!  So now do something that feels good!  But!  Own it.  Do things that will feel good and hold on to those feelings and when they change, then we have to change….

I have to change…. and it’s scary….. It’s scary because it’s not always a road we have been down. I didn’t grow up in a positive home.  I grew up on defense.  I married having to be on defense, I divorced on defense.  I have been on defense my whole life.  It’s time now to let down the defense and actually obtain offense.  (like my little sports analogy there)?

Even this post, when it started it was a post to justify why I am sad and why I should keep being sad and in it I had to see that being sad is just keeping me in the same place.  In the same place I will never grow.  I will never feel that happiness.  And to know that happiness and sadness are together in a way. They both are things that happen. It’s like buying a car.  It is a definite that buying a car will mean eventually repairs.  These sometimes come at the WORST times ever.  But it’s not surprise, this is something that you knew WOULD eventually happen. I say this as we just paid 600 dollars in car repairs just the month before Christmas.

That’s life.  Bad things happen.  Good things happen.  We are not bad people because of them. They are just what they are.  It’s okay to feel happy and it’s okay to feel sad too.  But the thing is you have to make sure you are still doing what you are doing for the right reasons.  If something is holding you back then you are not allowing yourself to feel all that feels (that’s such a weird saying isn’t it?).  And that my friend is deprivation and why on earth do want to deprive ourselves of something that could feel wonderful?

For many these are just words.  Even for me it kind of just just that just words.  I have to take the steps to find out how to put these words in actions.  But like they say the first step to solving the problem is admitting it.  So hey, I guess you can say I am at step one.