The Battle Of The Mind

The mind can be very tricky…. I have been on this journey going on 5 years soon and it’s been a uphill battle each month.  Some months better than others.  This year I decided THIS is going to be the year.  I WILL NOT give up.  I will work on being positive and I will figure out this thing they call “weight loss”.  lol

Every month I had the same problem losing about 10 – 15 lbs and then maintaining.  I would soon get irritated, give up and quit for a few months and start over and the cycle would start all over again.  I couldn’t understand it.  This month proved to be no different in that cycle.

Week one went AWESOME, I lost almost 7 lbs.  Week 2 I Gained despite eating great and week three I lost but still had not reached my lowest weight from the previous 1st week.  I felt defeated.  It was hard to look at old weigh in’s to see each month I was hovering around the same weight.

My mind is thinking, “what is wrong with me?  What is wrong with my body?” I just couldn’t understand why it keeps happening.  So I told myself, no, this month is different right?  So I tried on the pants I still couldn’t fit in a week ago and I could button AND zip them.

It was a challenge and they still don’t fit the way I want them too.  BUT It was progress…. Good progress especially since the scale wasn’t moving.  I told myself today that I will keep going.   I am down at least 6lbs this month.  Yeah, I lost most of that the first week, but who cares, if it lost 2lbs a week I wouldn’t be as upset about it?

I won’t lie I DO expect to lose some more next month lol because good lord I can’t stay at this weight forever right?  But it’s progress and I can’t let my mind WIN.  I cannot let these bad thoughts defeat me.  Yesterday I ate HORRIBLE, just one thing after another because I felt down about the progress.

Today, I am not upset about it.  It was ONE bad day and today is a new day.  Today my bad thoughts don’t win.  Today, I squeezed lol into pants I couldn’t squeeze into at the beginning of the month.  And next month I promise you I won’t be squeezing in with them.  I guarantee you that!  The battle of mind is hard.  Not listening to that evil voice is hard but you have to push through.

I keep telling myself not to think of the past and my past trials.  This year is NEW, I have to look at this like it’s a whole new journey instead of an old one that I keep failing at.  This year I am going in with an open mind, with positivity, with the fact of knowing I AM going to do this and I am NOT going to give up.

Dreaded Skin

This past year of getting back on the wagon and joining Instagram for my weight loss journey I have gotten a new pet peeve.  I know that for some people this might be offending and know that these are just MY opinions.  I don’t know each person out there and their journey so believe me when I say that I am not trying to judge.

But for the life of me I am so sick of this whole trend now of people having skin surgery when they still have A LOT of weight still left to lose.  Claiming that they now have done everything and “there is nothing they can do”.  I have been doing quiet a bit of research on this the past few years.  And while I will not deny that excess skin can and DOES happen with weight loss in some people it can be greatly limited and sometimes even avoided.

I am annoyed with the medical community who have convinced people that when they lose weight that there is nothing they can do when it’s clear that some of these people still have quiet a bit of fat to still lose.  I am not talking about the person who has under 20% of body fat and still has some skin (that IS skin) and that is the perfect canidate IMO for skin removal.

But when you can grab your “skin” and it’s bigger than say and 1 1/2 you still got some fat in there!  I am annoyed at seeing people at 180-190 pound range getting this surgery and telling people that they lost all the weight they can lose and now have all this “loose skin”.  Ummmm, what person (especially a female) who weighs close to 200lbs ever has a nice flat stomach or doesn’t suffer from “skin” which is really hanging fat?

Hell, even at 130lbs I had a pooch back in the day.  I didn’t even have a flat stomach then, so why on earth would someone who weighs almost 200lb expect one naturally?  Now, look if you don’t want to do the work to get your tummy flat, OR you want to be almost 200lbs with a flat stomach by all means do the surgery and have your FAT removed.  But don’t promote that you are removing your “excess skin” that is NOT excess skin.  That is FAT.

I am so sick of woman and men for that matter being told we are doomed to have these gross shrived bodies.  I don’t think that is true.  Is it hard?  yes!  Does it take a lot of work and TIME?  yes!  Your body lost weight your skin will have to take time to retract back.  And yes, you can still end up with some excess SKIN but that skin won’t weigh 40 plus pounds.  Typically, when people have true skin removals it’s the matter of 5 to 10lbs max (that’s if they have skin removed from more than one area).

The other risk to having these surgeries too early is the risk to more surgeries.  I have seen people who had surgery to have it redone when they got even smaller.  Why would you want to do that to yourself?  Look I don’t want hanging skin like anyone else.  Hell, I hate my hanging FAT.  So I get it.

I would hate to lose 200lbs and still not like my body.  But I have to remember that even a 200lb loss that puts me about 130lbs and unless I build muscle I probably will have some skin or some fat still on my body.  Typically women need be at 20% body fat and men at 10% to get to the point where it’s JUST skin.  How many people do you know actually get down that low before resorting to surgery?  I can only attest to a small few (but hey I don’t know everyone).

I am not even saying someone has to get down to 10-20% body fat.  But it the pet peeve is saying “there is nothing I can do”.  You have been LIED to and I hope if anything else to prove that in my journey.  I have a blood disorder, so for me surgery isn’t a good idea.  So I have to show that people can lose weight and not have a TON of skin.  Will I have skin? Yes, I do believe I will.  BUT I don’t believe I have will have what you see all the time on shows (like skin tight) and so on.  I do believe there is a way… With healthy eating, maintaining my weight loss, drinking water and weight training.

I just hope in time we can unbrain wash people…. We are mislead I believe and while I am not against doing things that make you feel better I just hate when people are told it is the ONLY road.  I truly believe in my heart it’s not.  I truly believe that it should take much more work to require such surgeries.  I know I for one will not even consider unless I KNOW I have done everything that would include getting my body fat percentage down.  If by then I still look like prune then I will know what is left is infact JUST skin.  But until then I will consider my body just not done yet.

Weigh In Monday

Well, it’s another weigh in day.  I want to first say that I am sorry for not being around much.  I will admit that I have been more on Instagram than I have been on my blog lol.  I have found a nice little community there that I love.  But ya know sometimes you just need to write too.

I just wish I had the writing bug more often like I use to.  But either way, I did weigh in this morning.  I will admit last week I was up as you know and I told myself I wouldn’t weigh in all week.  I had come a custom to weighing in often due to my swelling issues that started years ago after having pulmonary edema.  It was advised by doctors that I weigh in daily.

The problem with that is it messes with your mind.  Due to my fluid issues I have had ranges of 7lbs or so in just one day.  So I stopped.  I told myself last week I wouldn’t weigh until today.   I caved on Wednesday to see if I was making any progress and I was it said 310.  So last night I was SO excited to weigh in.

I calculated everything I ate all weekend.  I worked out.  I did what I was suppose to and then I hoped on the scale….

WTF!!!!!! I was PISSED.  I stepped off and on two more times and the number stayed the same.  But then I realized a few things.  One, I was swollen (Yesterday was leg day and it’s PMS time) I noticed my ankles were swollen.  Normally, I can see my ankle bone and I couldn’t.  I also knew that my period hasn’t came just yet.  I ALWAYS retain water during the time (like most women).  For me I am the lucky one who does so for TWO freaking weeks and three I was 313 the week before so this was still a 1.2lb loss and ya know what?  That’s still good!

So I decided I wasn’t going to be upset about it.  I know that I am retaining fluid, I can see it.  I can feel it when I push on my leg.  So, I will just push my water intake, watch my sodium and go from there.  Hopefully AF will come soon and this fluid will finally be released.  But all in all I am proud of myself.  I have been logging my food all this month.  I have been killing it in the gym.  I have NO doubt that if I keep doing this EVERY month there WILL be progress… So another lb down and more to go!

Weigh in Monday

So yeah, I know it’s not Monday.  Yesterday, the whole family was home so I didn’t get to blog.  BUT I did weigh in.  First, let me say how one “cheat” meal which wasn’t even really a cheat persay, will do you in.  I know this, I always KNOW this and yet I under estimated it.  That ONE meal turned into several.

Not only that but I realized recently that I wasn’t losing last week, from there I saw signs I was in fact ovulating.  Which was a plus because normally during ovulation I gain up to 10lbs.  So I have to say the fact I haven’t gained that much was a promise.  So while, in this weigh in I know that PMS IS a factor I can’t say a 100% my gain was because of it.  Facts are, that even though I actually got as high as 315 last week during the week, I know my eating habits didn’t at least if anything help!

So I weighed in gaining 1.6lbs this week.  I am not going to be upset about it.  I am going to move on.  I am happy it’s not a typical PMS 10lb gain so that’s nice.  AND I did expect a gain the second I knew I was in fact ovulating.  But all in all it didn’t excuse my eating.  So I am doing a better job with that this weekend and making sure I LOG ALL my food!  Sigh…. I knew week 3 is usually hard for me but didn’t expect week 2 to be.  Sigh….

 

A Little Discouraged

I know, I know, I said I wouldn’t weigh often… I swear it’s an addiction.  So Monday I weighed in at 311 which was fine and then all week I have STAYED at 311.  This bugged me. I was like what?  I have been on plan and everything.  Why is it just week two and now the scale already isn’t moving?

This btw is EXACTLY why they say weigh in once a week lol.  I have been trying to not focus on it but man it’s HARD.  The ONLY thing I can come up with is PMS.  I got a pimple the other day which tells me AF is coming.  Now usually with PMS I gain up to 10lbs. So the fact I haven’t gained I guess is a good sign!

If it is just PMS then all is not lost it just means the next two weeks I won’t see much of a loss until AF finally comes.  It’s a pain but it’s my reality.  It did kind of kill my positivity, but I am trying to still remain positive.  It’s always hard in the beginning I feel like the first month is crucial when it comes to making some progress.

At this size sadly my scale has been all I have had.  Even inches doesn’t play much of a roll oddly enough because with the fluid it shifts so naturally some days I have inch losses and others I may not.  Pants are hard to tell and I have to lose quite a bit to really see a difference in my pants so sometimes it feels like the scale is all I have.

BUT I am going to keep telling myself that the scale doesn’t define progress.  I had to take the past two days off of working out and honestly, I am glad I did.  My body feels MUCH better today!  I was so super sore the past two days that even walking was pretty difficult to do.  I personally don’t enjoy pain.

So all in all I guess it’s all okay.  Not as great as it was on Monday but it could be worse.  I am just going to stick to the process and go from there.  Hopefully in the coming weeks the scale will budge.  lol.

 

Feeling Pretty Positive

I keep thinking back over the years when I felt man, I think this might be it.  I know I have had a few times were I did actually think this.  I don’t think it was wishful thinking, I do think at some point I did really think to myself.  So when I feel positive about it this time, I think (like before) what makes this different?

I know a few other times too it felt “different”.  I don’t know what is really “different” this time.  I guess the only difference is I am 100% committed.  It’s not just a feeling this time but actual actions.  I am logging my food every.single.day.  AND I am logging EVERYTHING.  Not just half assing it.  I am also going to gym often and really trying to push myself.  I know I am doing that too more than before.

It’s only week two so I hate sometimes to be all pumped up but I am.  I know some would wonder why that’s a bad thing and it’s not.  It’s just with my history the beginning is always bliss.  Kind of like when you are in a new relationship.  It’s all roses and kisses.  And then you really get to know each other. Then it’s not as sweet and fun anymore.  I mean it can be but it’s never the same as it was in the VERY beginning.

I feel like that right now.  Kind of like the honeymoon phase.  I hope it lasts a long time because it helps to have a round but I feel so confident this year.  Like I have a hard time telling myself words like, I hope, Maybe, hopefully this time no, it’s “Yeah, this year I am gonna kill it”. I’m not perfect and I have no real plan in all of this other than working hard and eating within what MFP (Myfitnesspal) says but it’s a start.

So… Here is too a great week two.  How’s your week treating you?

Week One Results

Well, week one is finally done.  I started this week off with a goal to go to the gym every.single.day.  I thought in my head that I can at least walk for 30 minutes, “what’s the big deal?”.  I have to say I was SOOO wrong.  I guess if all I did was 30 minute work outs everyday that would be possible BUT that was NOT what I was doing.  By Thursday I started feeling less energized and by Saturday I was sore ALL over.

After much reading and thought I decided to take an off day.  I remained all week calculating my calories and by Sunday I felt SO MUCH BETTER!  I couldn’t believe how just ONE rest day helped so much.  So on Sunday I was supposed to meet up with a friend for lunch.  I really wanted to stay on plan and I had plans to hit the gym as well.  So I hit her up with the idea of us working out instead and maybe catching a healthy dinner after words.  She was actually up for it.  A bit scared but willing to try it out.

We actually had a lot of fun.  I even brought my 13 year old daughter with me this week to the gym too which was different.  I think she got to see how hard-working out can be lol.  She also learned the elliptical looks easy but isn’t all that easy.  I personally LOVE the elliptical.  I like that it’s a bit harder than a treadmill.  I enjoy the challenge and I always usually do it with interval training.  🙂

So anyways, Monday’s will be my official weigh in day for now.  So on my first week I was pleasantly surprised.  All I did this week was work out and count calories.  I didn’t really focus too much on carbs, sugar etc.  The item just had to fit in my calorie count and made sure I wasn’t left hungry.  One of the things I have learned quickly with counting calories is that you can to some extent have what you want but you have to ask yourself how worth it is?  For me I knew eating a high calorie diet and barely eating anything all day probably wasn’t gonna work for me so I didn’t typically do it.

I had a great week and with a nice loss of 6.8 lbs to start.  Which is a GREAT start.  I am pretty happy with it.  So now we are on week two.  My goal is to work out for 6 days straight and maintain calorie counting.  For some reason it doesn’t feel as daunting as it usually does.  Not sure why really? I guess because I have decided to just not let it be?  I don’t know but it’s all good.  I am also doing some workouts at home too for extra strength work outs.  Dh bought these resistance bands that I have been trying out.

So all in all I can say it’s been a good start to the new year.  I am excited to see what the month holds. I am also trying to knock out of my mind all the negative thoughts.  Like the “hopefully” I will continue to lose.  I have been telling myself not “hopefully” but I WILL lose.  This WILL be my year.  I AM going to do this.  I feel like allowing the self-doubt is setting myself up for failure.  I know why I do it.  It’s because of my past of working hard and then all the sudden my weight was going back up but lets just face the facts.  I haven’t had a solid month where I worked hard every.single.day. tracked my food every.single.day and actually gave a 110%.

While I do feel at the time I was trying hard, I think I could have done better…. No, I KNOW I could have done better.  So this month is the month to prove that myself.  I refuse to believe I can’t lose this weight on my own without medical help.  (of course aside from my thyroid meds and etc.) but I am sure you know what I mean.  I am ready to do this.  Ready to put in the work. I AM READY TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT.

The first picture of the year

HAPPY NEW YEAR AND WELCOME TO 2016

You guys know how much I really detest those “yucky before photos”.  It is why I had PROFESSIONAL photos taken a few months back to document my journey.  I did so because I wanted my before photos to be something positive not negative.  So with that said you would probably be wondering then why are my first pictures of myself of the year more like “before” photos and I will tell you. (ignore my apparent dirty mirror).

Just like anything telling progress sometimes is much better when you see more vs when you don’t. These photos were not taken to show me how gross I look, how fat I am, or to make me feel bad about myself!  I can do that with out photo’s.  It was just to see as time passes how different parts of my body has changed.

I also have a brand new journal for 2016.  My first entry I talked about how I want this year to be about just feeling good.  Doing things that make me happy and I do actually feel that way.  But one thing that I did write (which I probably will after this) is this year I DO actually have a weight loss goal.  Because of the past few years I have been very scared to talk about weight loss goals.

You guys all know I am struggling and for reasons unknown me and to the medical profession me losing weight hasn’t been exact simple science.  The past two years I have really backed off on the efforts.  I have had moments of trials but I haven’t really tried like I did the first two years of this journey.  This year I have decided that I really do want to do this again.

I want to give it another hard go just like I did in the beginning.  I really have a goal to lose quiet a bit of weight.  My goals are to get back into the gym.  To be more aware of what I eat and how that food makes me feel.  I noticed too often foods that make me feel blah afterwords.  Even foods that are “good for you” type deal.  So I am learning about foods and how it agree’s with my body.  I found when I eat more good foods that agree with me the happier I am.

I also want to take this year to really focus on the relationships in my life.  Building more new memorize with my family.  Doing more activities and being more active in general.  I am looking to build my marriage to be a much tighter foundation, and really also learn to do more stuff for myself.  As a mom we tend to think about everyone else.  It’s just our natural.  But with that I think we lose ourselves in the process and I NEVER want to lose me.

So I am gonna put it out there and if it doesn’t happen that’s okay… I may not, I know this journey hasn’t been perfect.  I have been VERY scared to post my goals at times because so many have failed.  But guess what?  That’s life.  To succeed you must first fail.  It’s kind of how we learn the what NOT to do’s lol.

My goal this year is to…… I can’t even believe I am going to type this given my history…. My goal is to lose a 100lbs this year.  I KNOW it’s A LOT and honestly if I can even lose half that it will be a HUGE accomplishment.  BUT I really am ready to move on with my life and be out of this fat suit I feel I am in. I really have to figure out what has caused my fluid retention issues and what exactly is prohibiting me from losing.  Even if it is ME.

However, I do NOT plan to weigh in frequently.  I know me and I get obsessive about that kind of stuff. I do plan on pictures along with way including more professional ones.  I also plan on getting more fit. So I am starting this year off at 318.6 pounds.  That is two lbs up from last year but still 8lbs down from when I started a few months ago.  It’s a big number but it doesn’t define me and it won’t. I plan on making this journey in the end even though I have a pound loss goal in mind more about being healthy and getting fit vs losing as much weight as possible.

So there ya have it.  May the force me with me… hehehehe.