A little update

So yesterday I kind of posted out of the blue after being gone for quite sometime. (At least a couple of months).  So I thought that it might be good to inform those who don’t follow me on instagram where I am now and what has been going on these past few months? And to show some pics along the way.  (Btw if you are not following me on IG you should, I post lots of little selfies on there and you can see some shots from when I workout :)). Warning: This will be long… Hell, when are any of my posts short?  ha!

First day of bootcamp!

So February 9th, I was at the gym and I saw that this bootcamp class was kind of being thrown together.  I thought what the hell? Since the class seemed new it would be okay for me to join (I always hate coming into a class where everyone else seems to know the drill and I am “behind”). So I leaped right in.  I feel in love with bootcamp classes years ago when these two trainers we will call them Mr.J and Mr.M ran it.  But one of the struggles I faced was I kept having such ache knees.  This time I thought, I would give it ago.

So I did it and I liked it!  So much so I vowed to go back to class the very next day.  Then that Saturday another class was thrown together and I was outside flipping tires, pulling weights by my side and walking, running to the front of the gym, etc.  I was like YES!  now THIS I like!  By March 1st, I knew I had to do something for me. I started really feeling one of the trainers we will call mr.K.  I knew that the whole month of February my weight quickly was back tracking like it did months and years before.

I decided NO! NOT this year! I am stopping this RIGHT NOW.  On an impulse I got 16 weeks

Who just got a trainer? This girl!

of personal training.  It was about three weeks in that I found Mr.K was moving on to another gym and now I had new trainer Mr. Ole (his nickname we will call him).  Many were sad that Mr.K was leaving as was I.  But I had my eyes on a bigger prize.  I had goals and one trainer leaving wasn’t gonna stop me.  Plus while I really liked Mr.K I didn’t feel like our workouts and eating plan were exactly what I was aiming for.  But I was willing to try.

So me and Mr. Ole started working out.  I have to say I really like Mr. Ole, I told him I really wanted to learn the machines at the gym and I was really interested in weight lifting.  He did exactly what someone probably would do with those goals and had me hitting the machines and weights.  It wasn’t too long into seeing Mr. Ole when Mr. K came back.  I was a bit scared by this change. Not that I didn’t like Mr.K (cause I do) but because I didn’t want anymore changes.  While, yes, I was here for me, I knew I had a limited time to really do what my goals were and the main was to really learn how to build a work out regimen.

But ya know one of the interesting things that Mr. Ole taught me was that each step that you go through is a stepping stone to the next chapter even if it doesn’t make sense at the

Working hard!

time.  And boy was he right!  It was then that I ran into Mr.J again from years before (remember the first bootcamp).  I don’t know what made this different from the times my hubby told me he saw him a the gym before and I even got his number years ago but never called… Other then this time I was serious!  Like DEAD serious.  When momma puts down money she doesn’t really have to give you KNOW she is serious!

I knew then that while, I really liked Mr.K and Mr. Ole I still didn’t feel like I was going where I needed.  I also had some fears with how long the trainers were gonna stick around.  I really couldn’t stand to be bounced around and a few already were on trainer #3.  I had my eye’s on the prize and I didn’t need something like having to constantly switch trainers to mess that up!

Not only that but I needed something but I just didn’t quite know what.  I knew our sessions were pretty short and I felt like they didn’t really have any dedicated time to really see how I was or to talk about things.  I really wanted more personal one on one training.  Here the trainers were always so busy you almost kind of feel like another name on the screen in a way.  I wanted to be guided on how to eat (and while they did try to do this too, it still wasn’t as organized as I would of liked it to be), I wanted to find a plan that suited ME.  Something that considered my life style, my body and something that wasn’t too drastic (because I don’t do well with drastic).  I wanted to find someone who I felt connected with and I had that with Mr.J.

I knew that Sunday (or maybe it was a Saturday?) that I met up with Mr.J, this was the right

First day with Mr. J

fit.  While, things have not been exactly what I hoped I have learned a lot already.  Like when Mr. Ole talked about those stepping-stones.  I workout outside at the park a lot with Mr.J and I wasn’t use to this.  I worked in gym’s most of the time.  I was just getting comfortable in the gym (some what) and I by all means had a goal to not only learn machines BUT I wanted to lift.  And here I was freaking running outside up damn hills and shit.  Like seriously dude??? This IS NOT weight lifting man.

I was a bit disappointed.  I thought to myself, Man, I should have thought this through too… I thought that it would be this one thing and it’s another.  While I was seeing some progress, I felt still a bit let down.  I think Mr.J had picked up on this.  It wasn’t his fault, he was doing his job.  We were having good sessions.  It wasn’t honestly until *this* week where I started to appreciate what we were doing.

I realized I keep doing what’s SAFE!  The gym was my safety net.  While there was NOTHING wrong with me wanting to learn machines and lifting by all means.  I didn’t take into account that there were other ways to reach my goals.  Which the major one right now was to lose weight!  I was missing out on ways that I too might actually like.  I started wanting to crush everything that felt hard.  I found apart of me liked the gym because it felt “easier”.  Even though I wanted hard… Did I?

Trying to be Optimistic

I wasn’t trusting the process…So this week I decided to give my scale to my trainer and now I only weigh in once a month on the first (so Sunday will be a weight in day), I journal what I eat to my trainer, (I don’t even fret about it, I don’t count calories/carbs/ nothing)Although, I have an idea on how to eat each day.   I currently have started to take up running.  After us doing some short sessions of running and struggling I was bound and determined to freaking at least jog damnit for more than a few minutes without wanting to die!  So, now I workout with my trainer three days a week and then I also do the C25K (couch to 5K) three days a week with one rest day somewhere in there lol.  Who knew?

I am learning to learn how to trust the process even if it’s not going exactly where *I* want it to be.  I am also learning to put my ego out the door (although this one is hard).  I am so freaking hard on myself.  I am constantly disappointed with myself after a sessions. Even though my trainer tells me how proud he is, I still feel like I didn’t do enough.  I could have done more.  I keep telling myself I should be able to xyz.  I think sometimes,  I don’t seem to get that I am not how I feel (which I feel much smaller and capable then my body really is).

It’s been an interesting two months.  But I think I am actually going somewhere.  As I was

Me showing how my pants that I couldn’t previous wear a couple of months ago now has room in the waist!

saying yesterday, It’s the first time where I actually feel like the impossible is possible which that in itself is a feat!  Now, If I can just tell myself to chill and to allow the process to do its thing. 😉  My pants are even getting looser and I can wear jeans I couldn’t just months before!

So there ya have it…. The past two months in a not so short nutshell! lol Tune in on Sunday for my weigh in and I will also be measuring myself.  It’s a little early for my measurements but I want to start weighing and measuring on the same day.  So that way the rest of the month can be focused on just making good choices.  I won’t lie, I am a kind of afraid the scale is gonna show me still in the 300’s. I was 301 last week.  But ya know what?  If it does that’s okay.  (Because I fit into my jeans and I didn’t before so I KNOW that’s progress) that and We will come up with a plan to get me out and next month I will be out of the 300.  I will GUARANTEE  you that!

I will do this and I promise MYSELF that I am going to succeed at my goals.  Through the times I fail, I will pick my self up, dust myself off and try again.  I will keep trying until the day to die to live my life and to reach my goals.  Through the good and bad!  I am going to vow to trust the process… To learn to have faith in myself and my dreams.  To have faith in the path, my husband, and process!  Here is 2016 and a 100lbs to lose! (well, the first 100! that is).  Stay tuned!

 

 

 

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Defeating the Impossible

I will be the first to tell you that there are somethings that are impossible.  I don’t believe the term “everything is possible” I do however, fell most things ARE possible and the things that are not just need to be customized to BE possible.  Like for instance, one may want to walk again but they don’t have any legs and wished to regrow them.  We know we can’t currently regrow legs BUT you can get a prosthetic one. Some day, who knows it maybe possible to regrow a legs however, for now it’s just not possible

(not to say don’t try I guess?).  This made it possible for the person to walk even though for the time being it was impossible to have the first original goal.  But hey, the end goal was to walk right?

Anyways, I have lived a lot of my life facing what feels to be the impossible.  To the point that this has hindered me in so many ways.  I am the girl whose cup is half empty.  I always see the negative side of things and I am ALWAYS the cautious one.  I can easily point out all the things that can go wrong with something but probably can’t find many of the things that could right!  There are some pro’s to a person like me.  We are natural planners.  So when we see all the bad we look for solutions to help avoid them thus making us more prepared.  The downfall is if we see too many possible negatives we may miss out on things because we can’t see the positive.

That is me.  Mrs negative.  It’s hard being Mrs negative sometimes.  Sometimes, while I feel like I’m just being the realist I also feel like the party pooper.  Or I get depressed because I can’t seem to find solutions to get what I want.  My journey not only in weight loss but my life in general has been an uphill battle.  I have dealt with so much that over the years I had lost the “nice” side of me.  I always feel awkward around others (because I am always wondering if I look okay, If I am saying the right things, not saying anything at all, if they are paying attention to my fat, etc my brain doesn’t stop) and I don’t really know how to react well to people.

You ask me how I am doing I will probably say “fine”.  You ask me what I want to eat I will most likely say “I don’t know, what do you want”.  If you ask me how my work out went I will say “I feel good”.  Fact is I don’t sometimes really know how to show to my feelings I think?  When I do, I tend to vomit them all over D (my husband lucky him right?). I have intense pressure to be a good mom, wife, and to do it all.  And as I fail to do each one, as my house remains a mess, my kids continue to do things I have told them over and over and over NOT to do, when my weight may not move the way I expected it to… I just lose it.

I wondered, when will any of this feel POSSIBLE?  My lovely husband is polar opposite of me.  For years (and even sometimes still) I wondered how on EARTH were we going to be able to keep this marriage going when we are SO different.  But apart of the “beauty” of our differences is, we learn to grow.  He has taught me to start taking chances and to believe.  So many times I would hold back doing things because it didn’t seem possible.  I let my feelings of the impossible get to me. I let my theory you can’t do it all stop me from even TRYING.

I convinced myself these things were completely impossible without actually seeing if maybe it just needed a prosthetic of its own.  I think of so many things I missed out on and continue to do so because of this thinking.  Change though, doesn’t happen over night.  It’s like being a little Caterpillar, you go through stages before you ever become a butterfly.  It’s a process. I saw today a tiny sign that said my process is changing… Slowly emerging in to what I hope is the most damn beautiful butterfly ever named Misty :).

I was on Instagram and I was posting to someone talking about her journey and how far she has become.  She has lost I think like a 150 pounds and frankly when you look at her at first glance you could never believe she had been overweight a day in her life.  Aside from a small amount of extra skin on her tummy that is all she really has to show on her body of her former body.  I was posting to her how hard my journey has been and like her, I too am a size 26/28 and how at times it’s hard to see my become a body I like seeing again.  I explained it was hard to do this journey while not actually being able to see the finish line because I have NO idea what it looks like.

It’s kind of like growing a baby, the whole time you are on pins and needles just wondering what you little one will look like.  Will it have hair, your eyes, or the nose you hope it doesn’t get it lol, you fantasize of all the possibilities.  But unlike growing a child in weight loss the outcome (when you have LOTS to lose) can be somewhat unpleasant (loose skin).  But back to what I told her, I told her “even though I am not sure what the finish line will look like at least it doesn’t feel impossible anymore”.

Wow!!!!  Just take that in for a minute… I have about 200 pounds to get to my goals (or less depending on where I prefer my body once I am there) and for once the finish line didn’t feel IMPOSSIBLE.  That’s HUGE.  It’s huge that I BELIEVE IN ME AND THE PROCESS!  I haven’t believed in a LONG time.  I think it’s a huge reason why I even stopped writing.  I just didn’t have it in me.  I didn’t know what to say?  I didn’t want to be fake.  I wanted so bad to inspire others I just couldn’t inspire ME.  Every corner I couldn’t get excited because I thought to myself that this is temporary and I will shoot back up (in weight). Now, I am like yeah I will fluctuate in weight but I am going to continue to go down. Sometimes, it still feels like a dream, “like am I really doing this” I ask myself?  Is this really the time? Sometimes, I’m still not sure?  But there is this little fire that now burns that says YES, yes it’s time!  Just watch and see…. Like they say patience is virtue!

Don’t let the impossible get to you.  Look for your prosthetic legs… Look for what you can do to get to the end goal even if the way there wasn’t the way you originally planned. Don’t be afraid to take chances and think outside the box.  As someone who limits herself and feels that there is only one cookie cutter way to doing things, there isn’t.  Don’t always stay SAFE.  Safe sometimes keeps you safe but at the same time it makes you miss the AMAZING.  No one wants to miss the amazing.  NO ONE!  YOU ARE NOT IMPOSSIBLE. You defeated impossible when you became you because no one could possibly know who you really would be!

Defeat your impossible!