Weigh in Monday!

Well my friends Weigh In Monday is Officially BACK!  Last week I came in at 304.6 which was up by 6.4lbs (I think) since I had stopped weighing in and decided to take a mini break.  I was a little disappointed at first this morning when I stepped on the scale.  I caught a sneak peek of my weight yesterday and I was down to 298 which would have been my all time low in a year.  However, I noticed a couple of things this morning, one was, my bladder wasn’t super full like normal and two both of my ankles were swollen.

Ah, yes, water weight.  Which I know I have a lot of.  But seeing puffy ankles and an up in the scale is a good indication that I didn’t gain 2lbs of FAT (the horror) it’s just water.  I also knew that on Saturday I decided to run 3.1 miles (a 5K) on the treadmill.  I have been running about 1.5ish doing my C25K program.  But wanted to try doing a 5k and seeing how long I could really jog without stopping.

I am SUPER proud to say that I did a 5 minute warm up and I only walked when I was half way at 1.5 miles and that was a 4 minute walk.  This was HUGE for me. I have NEVER ran that long before.  Granted it was super-duper slow and the eyes of running I probably wasn’t running.  BUT for me I wasn’t walking.  lol If I bounce it’s no longer walking in my book lmbo. So I have to say it was a good week!

I didn’t torture myself with rules and what not.  I told myself moderation, watched the carbs for the most part.  I couldn’t have done better on several days.  But I am not going to focus on that.  I lost 4lbs this week and broke a new running record for me.  So hey, in my book that’s freaking awesome progress even if I am still up a little bit from June over all.  It’s okay, I will be down next week and at my new all time low in a year anyways.  So this week I am celebrating 4lbs gone and cheers to running for 60 minutes!  Woot Woot!

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Day one of 90

A while back I talked about starting a 90 day challenge.  I have had some time to think about this challenge since I wrote it and decided to make a few changes.  The Challenge will begin today and go on for at least 90 days.  I wanted to keep the challenge simple.  I realized that doing too much all at once is just a recipe for disaster.  I don’t want to do a “plan” at this current time but do want to make smarter choices. So the plan is as follows:

 

1.Eat smaller portions

2.Drink more water

3.Exercise at least 4 days a week

4.Blog/Journal whatever I need to stay on track

5.Be kind to myself

That’s it really.  I want to keep it simple.  I am also going to start weighing in weekly again. I have weighed in off and on the past few weeks and I am interested to see where things go.

Starting this challenge I currently weigh 304.6 That is a 6lb gain but I am NOT upset about this because this weekend I went kind of on a last hurrah bend (you know what I am talking about).  So funny how we do that lol…  Either way.  Today is day ONE of 90 so let’s do this.  If I do this it will be the first time I stayed a 100% on plan for 90 straight days.

I have in the past and even this year went 90 days doing things in general but I wasn’t as strict on myself.  While, I don’t feel my “rules” are very strict, I still want to follow it.  So, here we go!

LET’S DO THIS!

All Lives Matter

I know I talk on this blog mostly about weight, but this blog wasn’t meant to be just about weight.  The recent events over the past few years has really gotten to me.  It has hurt me, it scares me, and it saddens me.   Lately, I have been seeing more and more blogs, and FB posts talking about how insulting “All Lives Matter” is.

So I am going to say today why I say all lives matter and why *I* don’t believe it is insulting OR racist.  Now, I have seen a lot of the little meme’s trying to “explain” why this is offensive.  And in those actual scenarios I agree with them.  BUT and there is ALWAYS a but!  THAT IS NOT OUR SCENARIO!

I think what people are not getting is we have a war on police brutality AND a war on race. We can’t have one and ignore the other!  The media has done a GREAT job showing people WHAT they want to see.  HOW they want you to feel.  We get snippets of stories and then we run with them like a wild-fire, without ever actually KNOWING the truth because the facts are, we have already made up our minds what the truth IS!

The problem….. Somewhere among black lives that have been taken due to racism people started to ASSUME these were the ONLY lives being lost by the hands of police.  That the ONLY issue that we are facing is racist cops.  Now if that were true, I would be like black lives matter all the way no looking back.  And here is the kicker…. I am black lives matter all the way.

However, black lives are not the majority dying at the hands of cops and those lives many of them were taking un-justifiably.  Everytime, a black person see’s a white person on the news who’s was kidnapped and raped and people say OMG that poor girl there was another black family saying “Where is my spot light?   Where was my coverage”.

Are they wrong for feeling that way?  IS feeling that way taking away from the death of the others who are not black?  NO!  Why?  Because they just want the same EQUAL opportunity.  The chance for the world to also HEAR their story so maybe people will see that other people are being affected.  That this isn’t a single crime don’t on just ONE race!

This is where “All Lives Matter” was born for me.  Now if you are saying all lives matter because you don’t like hearing “black lives matter” and you are thinking, uh, so does my life; just because I am not black doesn’t me MY life doesn’t matter!  Then yes, you are the people I think and want to believe all these blogs and meme’s are talking too!

But if you are the person who is like the black person mourning the death of their loved one that once again isn’t getting coverage, the person who in this case is a race other than black saying but the police killed us too…. Don’t forget about US…. We are a victims too! We want to be apart of this movement.  We want to acknowledge your loss, my loss, his loss, and all of their loss that were done wrongfully.

People wake up and see…. We NEED you to wake up.  We have TWO not just ONE issue here.  I think that what happened is when one issue came up (the racism) it caused a piggy back to the OTHER issue and that was NOT about race but about power-hungry, trigger happy cops who are giving all the other good cops a REALLY bad name!

So maybe instead of pointing a finger at someone who says “all lives matter” and assuming everyone who does so is apart of the problem, maybe ask them WHY they are saying it.  Are they saying because they feel you are leaving them out and they want to make this about them OR are they informing you that this problem goes much deeper than black and white here.  The blood isn’t just on two hands!

The same goes for when you hear black lives matter.  Don’t be so offended by it.  Because, BLACK LIVES DO MATTER.  The racism by blacks has GOT to stop.  Black men and women should not have to feel a need to raise their children with a teaching on how to “handle” police.  Always watching their backs, always afraid to move, OR feeling like other races (especially whites) are out to get them.  They shouldn’t have to be judge for not only being black but for how black they are.  Black lives matter should matter to blacks too.  Your own people are dying and sometimes by you.  WE have to fight to end the violence!

WE have a war on racism and while things are different now than they were even 20 years ago it’s still there.  Sometimes, we are blind to it.  Sometimes, we don’t even want to believe it.  Sometimes, we don’t even see it because it’s not happening to us personally. But it IS happening.  Racism is still VERY MUCH ALIVE and we cannot take that way.

We also can’t take away the fact that brutality among cops is getting far too out hand.  I have seen countless stories of men and women of ALL races who have been murdered by the hands of police.  When black people say things like “well, it’s still not like us, we were just murdered because we were black” you are also just as bad as those “all lives matter” people are you so angry at.  Because, while you may have been killed because of being black, the next guy was killed for reasons he didn’t even know.  BOTH of you NEED to be acknowledged because you are both VICTIMS.  I wish more and more things were shown equally. When they are happening to multiple types of people.

I wish that black children were shown on the news when they were kidnapped just as much as white girl would be and wish more races were shown that have been mistreated by police the way black men were.  I don’t know the real answers.  I can’t say to just focus on black lives matter and ignore all the other lives lost.  Why can’t I focus on black lives lost AND the other lives too?  Why bash ME for wanting to be upset by ALL the deaths instead of just SOME of them?  Why should we fight for just racism alone and not police brutality among us all?  Why should I be told I am racist by the media because I want people to see BOTH problems instead of one.

People need to see this is all a domino effect… It’s really people all saying DON’T FORGET ABOUT US!!!!  From #blacklivesmatter it stemmed those who have lost or known of losses from others who were not black and they felt their lives matter too, I need to voice that, I want not just to black lives matter but every life to matter.  Saying that doesn’t mean I am omitting black lives.  Then police were killed here in Dallas so that stemmed police lives matter.  And then we are back to ALL LIVES MATTER.  You want to end racism, recognize it! You want to end hate, stop fueling it.  See that to end racism we have to recognize black lives and all lives.  We have to recognize when a black life has been wrongfully taken, White, Hispanic, Asian, Indian, every race, police lives are wrongfully taken.  Our fight deep down isn’t just about black lives but LIVES being wrongfully taken even the ones that media DIDN’T show you.  THAT IS WHAT IS PISSING us off.  IS LIVES WRONGFULLY TAKEN!

If people want EQUALITY then we have to see BOTH problems…. So I am here to say that #blacklivesmatter #racismisalive #racismmustdie #policebrutalitymustdie #alllivesmatter #thosemurderedbypolicematter #murderismurdernomatterthecolor #violencedoesntendwars #policelivesmatter

So agree or not but this is how I feel… I had to say because I felt I was going to EXPLODE! And well, this is MY page so I get to say how I feel and it’s okay if you don’t agree.  I just ask don’t ignore the issues.  ALL the issues.  Be Aware.  Research. and know people across this world are dying everyday by police, military, our own people, etc.  WE need to address the hate. and I get it takes working on each issue ONE BY ONE and I think that maybe, that’s why “all lives matter” stung so much because maybe by some it’s “too soon” to focus on the rest of the lives.  People still need to mourn these to than acknowledge the others?

No one has to agree with me, I know in my heart of hearts I am not a racist person.  I know that I seek good in all people. I want all injustice to be brought to justice.  But I want the real issues, I don’t want to be hiding and blinded by just one issue, I want to see them all. Acknowledge them all.  I need to see the whole picture.  I need to see the lives that have been taken wrongfully and I NEED to know why.  Because how can we fix the hows when we don’t understand the whys?  I want compassion. I was equality.  I want peace.

Every one is screaming what about me!  And it’s heartbreaking because it shows how many feel they are not seen and heard.  We have to try to see them all.  It is wrong IMO to just focus purely on just ONE group of people of any race when more than one race is being affected and ignore all the others; just like it’s wrong to ignore a problem because you have a problem too.  ALL people have a right to have their problem seen and heard and not single one is wrong for wanting that and needing that acknowledgement. Let’s stop the hate!  That’s what all of this is.  It’s hate.

It’s day by day

I blogged most recently about my depression.  My depression is something that never seems to go away.  It’s something I have been dealing with for as long as I remember.  For me my depression isn’t something that is “temporary”.  For me, happiness is temporary. Depression on the other hand always finds it way back.  EVEN when there is happiness. It’s like a little bug that has infected my brain and I can’t kill it.

Anyways, the interesting thing about depression is you have good days, okay days, bad days, really bad days and days well, we won’t talk about those days.  Right now I am on okay days.  This is good.  Okay days, mean that I am doing a little something.  It means I smile here and there.  Okay days are the days you are thankful for.  I know that probably seems weird but an okay day is a day where you acknowledge that things feel crappy but also it’s just another day and you can get through that day.

Good days, those days they are AWESOME, short lived, something that doesn’t come around often and sadly these days are the days you feel you take for granted.  These are the days where you think that tomorrow will be just a good as today!  Sadly, that’s not typically the way it goes.  At least, not for me that is.  But that’s okay for now.

Currently, I have started to seek out help through counseling.  I am not sure the current place I am going through is going to give me what I need but I do know if I ever want to experience a possible longer happiness time frame I probably need to fix the mental stuff first!?! I am even going to start my 90 Challenge this Monday.  What is it about Monday’s btw that just seem to be the only day to start new things? lol But in all honesty, we get paid this weekend so I have to get the house full with great choices so I can be successful.

So right now I am taking things day by day which is really that I can really do.  I hope that one day I will be free from this life but for now it is what it is.  I will update you on Monday about the challenge.  I hope you all are doing well!  And until then….

 

I Lost My Mojo

It is not new news that I battle with Depression.  I recently even got back on meds for it (which btw I had a horrid reaction too) and recently started seeking counseling for.  Sometimes I don’t like posting much about my depression.  Not really because I don’t want to talk about it but more so because I don’t really think anyone cares to listen.

I have noticed that people like to hear good things vs. bad.  Even today with in 20 minutes of posting on Instagram that I lost my mojo I lost 4 followers.  It’s no biggie really but it does make me feel less inclined to share at times.

The fact is I am depressed.  I have been depressed for quiet sometime now.  To the point that I felt I needed some help.  My state got even worse after my birthday weekend.  Not only did my children seem to forget it was my birthday, I planned my anniversary/bday weekend with no contribution from hubby I started to get down.  This then followed by hubby talking to me about how he didn’t want another child.

We have been talking about another child for about two years.  In fact this year my actual motivation for getting serious, the reason I invested into personal trainers, and etc was because I wanted to get my body down to a healthier place to where I could have as healthy of a pregnancy as possible.  DH wasn’t always on board with the baby thing but seemed to be okay with it the past year.  Willing to see where things go.

While I understand a 100% all his reasons, being told that I was no longer going to have any more babies EVER, was like a kick in the gut (or more so ovaries).  I was hurt.  I mean his logic wasn’t bad and I understand all his fears and his concerns.  Hell sometimes, I think I am CRAZY for ever wanting anymore children.  Seriously, I have plenty lol BUT still, the idea was there.  I saw each one of my children before I had them.  I know it sounds crazy but I knew about each one.  And I saw this one too.

But the thing is I don’t want a husband who resents me years down the line or our child all for a vision.  I want this to be just as much of something he wants as well as me.  While, I know logically we will be just fine with another child and financially it won’t change anything, I also have to respect my husbands wishes.

This combined with my birthday AND my first counseling session (which somehow made things worse) just caused a flood of emotions.  I felt like I didn’t know what to do with me.  This journey was so much easier when I had a goal.  The thing is I KNEW with the amount of weight I am wanting to lose I wasn’t going to have some rocking body.

I don’t want to be negative here, but lets face it I have hanging fat as it is right now (and I am not even going to call this skin because it’s fat) and it hangs.  It’s not pretty.  And while, yes, I KNOW that the end goal is to be HEALTHY I also know that you don’t go from losing 200lbs plus, having hanging fat to this awesome rocking body.  (At least not with out surgery).

I know it’s vain.  I do…. But I know being skinny won’t mean I will like the outcome of my body.  Period.  So it does have to be for the HEALTH of things. That’s great and all… Except I have been on this journey for 5 years (and we are not counting my life time of being thicker and over weight) but the 5 years of actually trying to lose weight and yet, I am still here in the same place.  I have done more in these 5 years then I have EVER in my whole.

I have done more than I ever did when I weighed 125lbs.  Never at that time did I eat healthy, or exercise or even do the exercises I can do at 300lbs.  And yet I fucking weigh 300 mother fucking pounds.  Like seriously.   I hate that my body hangs, my breast hang, my stomach looks in a way I don’t even recognize.  The hell with stretch marks, I can live with those.  Hell I have had those since I was like 12 years old.

I hate that I have a blood disorder that even if I lost all the weight that skin removal probably wouldn’t be wise, that weight loss surgery could be a death sentence, that I am stuck in this body.  And even my body aside I hate the way that I feel and no matter what I do to change it I still feel the way I do.

I feel very much done…. Not done in the point that I am just gonna off myself, because I have decided long ago that just isn’t something I can do.  No, just in a way where I am waiting… Waiting for whatever powers it maybe that I can FINALLY get to go.  I try in the meantime to deal with what has been given me and make the best of it.  But that urge to finally feel free.  The urge to finally go.  It feels amazing.  I LONG for it.

It’s not sad and depressing to me it’s like when someone is old and grey and they are ready to go… Except I’m not old or grey.  I just am tired.  So very tired.  Tired of everything.  Tired of trying and still failing all.the.time.  Tired of feeling lonely, tired of not relating to anyone (and vice versa), tired of not knowing what to do with myself, tired of not being smart enough, tired of losing my memory, my hearing, tired of my body, my health, my kids fighting, my messy house, cleaning, not clean, my husband upset at the lack of cleaning, etc.

I am just tired….. You would think damn woman, why on earth would you even want another child???? Ya know what?  I think it’s because in pregnancy I felt something, I felt important, feeling your child move is amazing, child birth is amazing, being a new mom feels amazing (and tiring lol).  I LOVE babies and toddlers…. although, the older they get the more annoying they can be at times, there is also great days. I LOVE watching the people they become.  They give me a reason to get up.  Sometimes, the only reason I am even here.  I DO actually get joy out of the experience.  At the same time I logically know I can’t have kids until the end of time just to have this lol.

I just don’t know anymore….. I thought for so long that I was going to be a midwife, I wanted it so bad and then I had such a traumatic birth of my last child and now it’s different.  It’s not because I don’t trust birth or anything but I saw birth in a different way.  I always saw birth in this one light and then I saw this dark side.  I didn’t know how to handle it?  I don’t distrust midwives at all, nor the process I just saw it in the eyes of fear of things being missed (and yet I was under the care of a hospital mind you lol). I don’t know.  Then I found out the school I wanted to go in is requiring that I take the SAT again.  This has given me SEVERE anxiety.  I DON’T test well, I didn’t do well in school. I mean I did but it’s because I didn’t learn crap.  I don’t consider myself in general all that smart.

I can learn things and I felt confident I could learn what I needed in the program.  But to test about crap I was taught (or not taught) over 18 years ago had me kind of freaking the hell out.  I started second guessing even going to school all together.  Which I know is silly because I will be tested on the midwifery too but that will be right there fresh on my mind.  Everything will be taught to me, it won’t be me remembering things from yester-year lol.

I started wondering if I would even be a good midwife?  If I wanted to be a midwife?  I knew I did but did I want all the risks and draw backs that come with it.  I mean I knew the positives but was I willing to also live with the negatives.  Long hours, not really having days off, no vacations really, sometimes pay isn’t always great depending on the practice, and things can go wrong and the wrong move even if I didn’t do anything wrong can break my career.  It’s a big decision.  I thought to myself if I don’t do this, what on earth would I do.

I knew I didn’t want to live my life going from job to job.  I wanted what I did with myself to mean something.  And yet, I don’t even feel motivated most days to get out of bed.  I am constantly conflicted with feelings of possibly to the realities of things not working out like I hoped.  I feel like my life is one disappointment after another.  Nothing seems to go quite right.  I have tried to be positive, I even tried to accept it, but it’s just so hard.  So I know this is LONG as always and really it’s okay if you don’t even read…. But this why I have been quiet.

I haven’t even started my 90 day challenge (which I was considering after the 4th since I had so much going on in June but July was free and clear) I knew I needed a stretch of months of nothing really to keep me on course.  And even then, I just.don’t.care… I don’t know how long this will last but I am finding as I get older and older these spells are started to feel more like a defeat vs just bouts of depression.  I am started to feel pretty beaten down and I not sure how many more times I can try to be positive in hopes some how, some way this feeling will just disappear?  Where is my happy pill?  I want my happy ending… Sigh…. Sorry to be the bummer…