I have the power to choose

Let’s talk today about choice and the power to choose.  Bare with me this will be long. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a talker!  

But first, let’s start with the things I have *NO* choice over…

• Being born

• My skin color

• My genetics

• How others act

• My height

• My blood disorder

• Or any health issue that is not due to your own doing

• My depression

• My parents

• When or How I die (unless I choose do so before my time).

Here are things I *DO* have control and a choice over

• How I deal with people and who I hang around

• Getting help with my depression

• Taking required medications for health issues

• Not giving up on myself (or weight) even when I’m not losing like I would like

• Being honest with myself

• Being happy (I know this is a catch 22 because sometimes you have to deal with the depression first to be happy, but again I can choose to do things that help make me happy).

• Taking control of my life

• Not feeling sorry for myself

• Not listening to what others say to beat me down

• Knowing I HAVE choices!

I feel like as a society sometimes we are so focused on correcting other people AND the act of entitlement that we forget our own personal roles in our own lives!  Now, I am not saying that things don’t happen out of our control.  There are most definitely things that happen that we do not choose to happen, BUT things that happen, are NOT the issue.  It’s HOW we deal with what happens that is the issue!  

Now I know a lot of you probably will not agree with me on a few of these things I am going to touch on and that’s okay.  Years ago (heck probably even months ago) some of these I would of fought someone over myself.  But hear me out….

One of the biggest things we hear about often these days is bullying.  It’s the point that people are not even sure of it’s meaning anymore.  Look! I don’t like bullies like the majority of the world.  I like many, I have been personally made fun of, harassed, etc. Honestly, as a child it DOES hurt.  I will NOT take that away from anyone.  I feel like this is a hard thing for children to overcome.  Heck! It’s even hard for us adults!  But one of the skills we posses as adults MUCH better than we did as a child is learning “how to not let words hurt”!

I know many of you are probably thinking, “But everyone says words hurt”.  Yes, they can and DO.  Yeah, I know I just contradicted myself.  It’s just like burning oneself, it hurts too, but you can choose to take care of the wound and do things that promote healing OR you can ignore it, not treat it and the wound will get worse.  Bullying works the same way.  See above, one of the things I said was we cannot choose how others act.  I have ZERO control over others.  I can tell someone until I blue in the face that their words are wrong but it doesn’t mean it will cause real change in that person.

This doesn’t mean we still shouldn’t educate people on how to be respectful to others.  Or even explain how we act does have an impact on others.  BUT, what we can do is know that we hold the cards to not let those words continuously affect us, after the initial sting. Bullies are everywhere.  This is just the facts of life.  But how much power would a bully have if we chose to not give their words power? NONE!  If everyone did this I can bet you there would be FAR less bullies.  The reason those words have SO much power is because deep down somewhere inside we sort of believe it.  Sometimes we are just offended that someone could say something mean.  But really think about it for a minute. What makes a word mean, bad, rude, etc?  These things are negative because we decided they were negative.  Just like we decide which words are positive.

Look at how one word could be used for one thing in one culture and another somewhere else.  It’s because our human mind…  WE choose to give words power. Whether to be positive OR negative.  IT’S A CHOICE!  You choose to take those words and believe them.  And yes, I do realize that this WILL happen when people don’t know they have a choice!  It may even feel like at the time they don’t have one because they are not aware of the choice.  BUT it doesn’t mean there wasn’t a choice. I also know sometimes people will do drastic things when they see you won’t do what they want you to.  But don’t choose FEAR.  

Abuse works the same way.  Years ago, I got VERY, VERY, VERY, I mean LIVIDLY upset, with someone who told me that mental abuse wasn’t real.  Her words stuck with me for a LONG time.  Because I had been mentally abused my whole life.  I could NOT understand how she could think this way especially being a woman.  She tried to clarify what she meant by explaining that the act of mental abuse was real in itself just like physical abuse.  However, no one can physically MAKE you *feel* anything.   People can say things that may spark an initial feeling but after that moment we then make the choice to believe it, to accept it, and to keep feeling it. It then no longer becomes something someone made us do but something we now are choosing.  

Now, I didn’t understand this.  My thought process was like, “if someone hits me I feel pain.  I can’t help that”.  We know this is a cause and effect reaction from my nerves to my brain.  I have zero control over that.  But what I didn’t understand was like physical pain, she didn’t mean that no one feels that immediate pain.  What she meant was that we choose to stay in pain.  Follow me here.  This goes back to my analogy of taking care of a wound.  You choose to heal or not. 

This is what we do in abuse.  The ONLY exception to the rule is children who haven’t been taught this *magical* healing power.  See, when a parent is your abuser, they are not going to give you the tools to handle the pain they are giving.  Why would they?  They wouldn’t have power over you if you know that you could choose to be hurt or not.  They would know that no matter what they do to your physical body they cannot take your spirit.  They can’t take the YOU inside.  Only YOU have the power to allow that.

I wish more adults could see this and teach it.  I wish more kids could know that instead of having to tell a teacher and punish someone in hopes this would make an action stop (and I’m not saying someone shouldn’t be punished for being rude or doing unjustified behavior) but that this punishment isn’t the CURE to one’s pain.  Because we all know that even when someone gets punished for the pain they initially inflicted we still feel it until after if we choose to no longer hold onto it.  This is why forgiveness is also such a vital role in our lives.

I use to tell people years ago that forgiveness is not saying, “this is okay”.  It’s saying “I will not let your actions hurt me any more… I am in control”.  You are saying that YOU are taking your power BACK!  They can’t have it.  You are not condoning an action. Sometimes, maybe have a better understanding of the action or sometimes you are just not allowing yourself to dwell on the action.  BUT you always have a choice.  We may not always like our choices but we ALWAYS have a choice.

I always kind of giggle when I hear weight loss stories and the person says, “I tried everything”.  I always think to myself, “did you really”.? How honest were you in that statement?  How long did you try?  Did you do *everything* to a T?  Did you cheat?  Did you give up?  Did you even believe you could do it? OR did you seek real help when you couldn’t figure it out? If your answer is no to any of these questions then you did NOT do EVERYTHING!

People have asked me time and time again if I am going to do weight loss surgery (which btw does seem to be a bit of a rude comment, but again, I can choose to not be offended so I will choose that).  I will say I can’t yet.  Because I will be a 100% honest, while I know a 100% my weight gain is not a 100% my fault.  My lack of effort to get it off IS. I have yet, to really to FORCE myself to really get to the surface and make decisions in my life that will ultimately give me the goals I want.  If at anytime I feel I need the AIDE of weight loss surgery to get me to my goals than I will do so if I am a good candidate without a question.

But I know I haven’t done everything so far, Some days, I chose pizza.  Some days I chose not to work out, some days I chose not to weigh in, or follow up with my trainer.  I made conscientious efforts to NOT do something, but yet, get upset when I don’t get what I want.  I also do believe in finding what DOES work for you.  But… You also have to be willing to give and take here.  You can’t always have your cake and eat it too.  At some point you do have to ask yourself “How bad do I want this?”  “How far am I willing to go to get it?” Only YOU can answer that question.

Life too is no different.  Don’t like your job, Change it.  Don’t like how your spouse treats you, change it (By that I mean see what things YOU can do to make things better, talk to your spouse, find out what could be the issue but don’t do nothing is the key).  Sometimes we have to make difficult decisions to get the things we want.  Sometimes we have to say no, sometimes we have to be willing to take a risk.  Sometimes we have to just simply believe in ourselves and KNOW our own worth.  NO ONE CAN TAKE AWAY YOUR WORTH.  

Don’t let ANYONE tell you different.  Don’t allow abuse.  If someone hits you, leave.  I know it doesn’t seem that simple but it is.  I know I lived it.   I don’t care if it’s just the clothes on your back and you have a baby on the boob.  I have been there done that and wore a sling nursing that baby in a little tiny room with two other babies I had and yet sadly, I still went back and stayed far too long.  I made a choice to accept abuse and to accept less for myself.  I know some choices don’t really feel like choices.  But you have the power to have more, you just have to be willing to try.  It won’t always happen right away.  Sometimes it takes time.  I know it’s hard to keep faith. Believe me, I Know… But you must. You have to.  IF you choose you!

Just understand that life isn’t what happens to you, Life is what you do with the things that happen to you.  We all can be handed shitty cards but it doesn’t mean we have to accept a shitty life!

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Closing the door on having more babies

I had my first child at the age of 18 years old.  When I conceived her my then boyfriend whom became my husband, didn’t think that he could produce any children.  So when we did actually get pregnant with our first child we were over joyed.  My first pregnancy was wonderful.  I don’t remember hating pregnancy (although, I do think we totally forget the bad parts of it at times).  I loved also being a mom.

However, with being a mom it also brought on many challenges.  Financial ones are always usually on the top of the list, PPD (Postpartum Depression), stress, and really just the ability to hand a new small human being.  While babies are not always hard, there are times where having a small child can really kick your ass to say that lightly.  That doesn’t always get easier with age.  I tell people all the time that as children age it’s not that it gets easier but that it’s just different.

After my first-born 2 years later I had my second and then just four months after she was born I found out we were pregnant with our third (so much for not being able to have children).  I would be lying if during this journey there wasn’t times where I regretted three children.  Mostly when all three would be upset, when I couldn’t meet each child’s needs in the moment.  When I wanted more one on one time with the children.  Going out in public at times.  And yes, most definitely financially.  Especially, when we finally divorced.  Oh, the guilty that rained over me for having three children and then also putting them through a divorce.

My husband and I struggled financially, emotionally, and I think even spiritually our whole relationship.  I still say out of the relationship my three children with him were still the best thing our relationship produced.  In the end I think they do help us become better people.  As much as the first several years of their life is a totally blur over time I still saw another child.  Years would pass and I would still see her.  I knew she was a girl. And while I couldn’t see exactly what she would look like I KNEW one day she would be mine.

I first saw her before I had even divorced.  It’s strange but in some ways I want to say that apart of me waiting was thinking about this child.  But some how I knew this child wasn’t going to be with my then husband.  After our divorce, I started to accept that the little girl I kept seeing was not real.  See, growing up I could sometimes see things of my future.  I don’t consider myself psychic or anything but you could say I have had a special ability to know things.  But, there have been times where it wasn’t right OR it wasn’t exactly the way I thought it would be.  I started to believe that this was one of them.

When my met D my now husband, he was not interested in having any more children.  He felt my three was plenty for us.  Like many men he felt money wise this was already stretching us thin and honestly!? It was.  I would mourn the idea of this child.  I actually started to get into the idea of acceptance that she was just not going to happen.  And then one day he surprised me and well, lets just say, I had my fourth child and yes, she is a beautiful little girl.

My pregnancy with my last was my hardest.  Her birth and after birth was no walk in the park either.  In fact, my life has been forever changed since.  After her birth I did HONESTLY think I was done.  There wasn’t much of a question in my mind.  Not only did I have to suffer through a very scary after birth ordeal, suffer several almost life and death health complications but also I had been in between jobs and money just was constantly tight.  More children just didn’t feel like a responsible ideal.  By the time I reached my 30’s I no longer had the same mind-set as I once did in my 20’s.  I felt like was too short and no one is really prepared for children.  And while, yes, I do find this still to be true.  I also knew after many struggles I wanted more for my children and yes, more for any more that could ever possibly come.

But another thing that I had learned with my last child is that sometimes life takes you places you never have dreamed.  Even though I had longed for this little girl, when I first got pregnant with her, I was terrified.  I felt we had made a MAJOR mistake.  I thought that I wasn’t prepared, I felt that I wasn’t going to be able to be a good mom, and I felt that everything I hoped for her would not be delivered.  I feared that I would have the same life I did with the first three….

But that just didn’t happen.  This child SO proved me wrong.  Yes, things did happen.  Yes, money was tight at times.  But OMG did she bring something that I never imagined.  She brought so much joy to my heart.  I love my kids ALL of them.  I wish I could remember having this much joy with them when they were small.  I KNOW at times I did too.  But this wasn’t the same.  I was now with a man I really did LOVE.  And he too, really does LOVE me.  What was amazing was?  I knew that.  You don’t know how much of a difference having a child with a man you have no doubt in your mind LOVES you.

Having just one small child in the house and bigger kids was actually nice.  I loved watching the big kids fight over her.  Help her, and grow this bond with her.  And while they do fight.  I feel that having my daughter was still one of the best decisions we had ever made!  She has been a wonderful addition to my life and I no longer regret the idea of having her nor my other three.  Each child has brought something amazing to my life.  Something that no other human can give.  Each child has given me worry, tears, heartache, but also love, joy, anticipation, and a longing to see the big humans they become.

A while after having my last, I dreamed of this little boy to my surprise my oldest daughter also had a very similar dream.  I thought to myself, how odd.  For also the first time ever, I even had a name.  I never had a name with my other children whom I also did see before they ever came.  The hard part like last time D was pretty clear that the baby factory was forever closed.  He explain about how we get to do more now that the kids are older.  Fact! How expensive it is to care for what we have now.  Also fact! How hard my pregnancy was, my health conditions, etc that another baby could bring new risks! More facts that I honestly, can’t deny.

So why is that here I am working at a job I really like.  Money is actually pretty good for us right now.  I have four children who I love, I feel are thriving, and we are able to do more for now than ever before and yet, my heart still longs for this one last child.  I feel so empty inside.  In my thoughts it’s “there will be grandchildren in the future” I think to myself.  Or, “you want to be a midwife in the future, you will see plenty of babies”.  I even would try to understand exactly what was it I really wanted.

Was it just a baby?  I mean let’s face it my favorite part of raising kids is the 1 and 2 yr old stage which is like the SHORTEST stage of childhood.  I mean one cannot simply want a ton of children just for this stage alone, this also includes the infant stage.  Which to me is nice too but also I think we tend to forget the crying, sleepless nights, not knowing what the hell they want because they can’t tell us.  We are just masked with the thoughts of teeny tiny little socks and clothes we forget sometimes all the work that goes into that teeny tiny human!

I logically know and agree with every point my husband made.  I did.  They were all true and they were all things that I had to think about.  I thought to myself that maybe it’s time!  I would tell him to hurry up and just go get a vasectomy and get it over with.  I hoped that if the door was permanently closed that being able to move on would become easier?  I thought as each day I enjoyed my job it would be more reason to not want another child.  I knew having another child I would probably l want to be home.  But funny thing was, I didn’t exactly feel that way either.  I had a different perspective this time on that too.  I was really feeling like I could do other things.  I didn’t HAVE to be a stay at home mom.

My mind had changed and I started to see life more as opportunities instead of scary things that can happen.  I thought of all the joy my last daughter has brought to our family and who one earth wouldn’t want to experience more of that.  I wondered if in part she was my happy pill and I just wanted more of it.  I thought as well, how that too probably wasn’t the best thing.  I didn’t want to have a child to “fix” a feeling.  That in, having a child to “make” me happy.  I know in all hearts of hearts that’s not a good reason to have a child.

So, then what…. WHY did I want another child?  And why, is it so hard to let the idea go?  I kept wondering to myself that if this feeling hasn’t gone away maybe it’s because this is something I am supposed to do?  But I also wasn’t about to go against my husbands wishes.  Having a child is just as much decision as it is his.  I wouldn’t find it fair to make him do something he really didn’t want to do.  Even though I could see all the possibilities and joy another child could bring he just couldn’t.  Nothing I can do can change that for him, he has to see that himself.

I wasn’t sure if another reason I felt this way was simply the dream.  For so long I kept seeing this child that after a while that dream started to feel more of a reality.  I saw all my other children why would this one be any different?  I then was also not sure if my children had just “happened” or if my force of my wants and desires some how made them possible?  I don’t know and that probably seems like a stretch but I just didn’t know.  I talked to other moms who felt done and the thing that seemed to ring true for majority of them was they just knew.

But I didn’t… I knew for a good while after my last child I wasn’t ready for another child and then one day I just was.  My husbands retort was then, when does it stop?  What if we have another child and once again the feeling comes back??? I had to think that this too was a very viable possibility.  He spoke many truths.  I don’t know how I know this child would be the end but I do.  Don’t ask me how I know this it’s just a feeling.  But I also know this isn’t a decision that I can take lightly.  I fear of holding resentment to my husband, my past choices, etc on not getting to have this experience one last time.

Sometimes I even think would I regret my choice if we DID have one more.  Would things change?  Just because M was this great addition doesn’t mean another child would be.  I know saying that sounds harsh as if any parent doesn’t want their child.  BUT, what I mean is it doesn’t mean that I will feel the same way I did with her.  Maybe this child could be more difficult.  My my health will take a turn.  I even have risks of death.  What if I left my husband a single man of five children?  I have to think about these things.

So then I have to ask myself, are my days of having babies over??? Is this longing for another child just my body not accepting yet that my reproductive days are over?  Is it just that I am having a hard time accepting that I am getting older? Or that my life is changing to a new avenue of all big kids and no little ones and that’s a new world for me. A world I still haven’t fully adjusted to?  In part I think no to most of these questions.  I do have faith that if we did ever have one more child (and yes, I will say unless some how us getting fixed still brought another then that child was totally meant to be) but honestly, this would be the final one.  BUT if we did, I DO actually have faith but I don’t believe my husband does.

So now, I have to walk a road of knowing the possibilities of what might have been for him.  Remaining content in what I have now and just looking to our future.  I don’t know if one day he will change his mind OR if he won’t.  I don’t know if *I* will change my mind.  There are PLENTY of days where I think in my heart I AM done.  What is actually funny was I DID feel done, when this idea of a child came to play I wasn’t happy about it actually.  I was like NOPE!  I fought it, HARD.  But when I accepted it my heart-felt at calm and that was a hard pill to swallow.  Because it was then something that felt apart of my path but it wasn’t a path I was going to lose my husband over.  So I was left with confusion.

I now am just a place of stand still in a way.  Taking each day as it goes.  I have decided to just focus on us.  I decided we will live our lives and if this child really truly is meant to be, he will be.  (or she, I could be wrong).  And that’s okay.  It’s okay if this isn’t right now OR even EVER.  The goal is to really learn to be content with whatever the outcome is.  I refuse to continue to feel sad for a loss of something I don’t have.  That doesn’t mean at times those feelings won’t come.  But for now, I am blessed.  I have four very healthy and happy children (most of the time).  I am so proud of the people they are becoming and I look forward to watch the new journeys with them as they are getting closer and closer to being out on their own.

I am excited at the thought of one day being a grandma.  Seeing them in relationships, their careers, them as parents etc.  I am excited to see the adults they become.  I have waited a long time to see these days and they are so close (for the bigger three that is).  I look forward to watching M grow.  Doing things with her.  I mean I have never had in a way just ONE child lol.  As the kids leave one by one eventually it will be just us three.  I don’t think that’s a bad thing!  So I know in my hearts of hearts I will be able to move on with my family but I wonder still from time to time… What if….

Do you really KNOW when you are done?  How do you cope with the fact that your partner wants a child more than you and vice versa?  How do you cope with just the idea of just NOT having children even when you DO feel done?  This are questions some day I hope I can answer, but for now, what about you?  Did you know? Do you have a spouse who wants more but you don’t?  Or do you long for another and your spouse said the baby factory is closed?  Do we ever really feel DONE?

A new name is in the air

So, today I was just going to start a brand new blog, with a brand new name and honestly, this probably still will happen.  But for now, I wanted to talk today about change.  Every morning I have about 15 minutes to myself after I drop D off to work on my journey to my job.  During this time, sometimes, I blast some music and sing my heart out and other days like today, I took some time to reflect on some thoughts that was going through my ever revolving mind of mine.

Today was a day for reflection and my first thoughts started with my blog and blogging. I was thinking about how much I missed it.  I hardly ever write any more. I just don’t feel I have time any more with me working these days.  I feel like when I am home my time is either devoted to children, cooking, cleaning OR just trying to find sometime for myself. But now that the dust has settled a bit and we have gotten into a good groove of things I thought to myself, “I can write”?

My next thought was that I feel that I am not on the same page anymore with the name of my blog/Instagram (where I frequent the most these days).  Over the years I have had many blogs.  I have had Mistyme, (I like that was my live journal account), a blog with my bestie (twocarbkickingchicks I think it was)? I am sure there were more, but the most recent one was I am not just a fat girl.

I started I am not just a fat girl after I had my last child.  I was determined to lose weight but also wanted to show the world that there was more to me than just my appearance.  I felt as a big girl I was automatically defined by my weight.  I felt sometimes, unnoticed; and other times the center of attention.  I wanted people to see *ME* not just my body.  I remembered when I was smaller people approached me more and wanted to know me more.  Which was odd because I wasn’t a better person thin!  This upset me greatly.  Why would be only see me when I was smaller?  So I started to blog.

However, over the past several years of trying to lose weight and falling off more times than I can count.  Dealing with multiple health issues and doctor after doctor telling me they don’t know what’s wrong.  I felt myself slowly giving up.  At that point I though that I was NOT going to live the rest of my life hating myself.  If I was stuck in this fat suit, the least I can do is love myself despite of the challenges.  This was then the birth of my plus size confessions.

I wanted a site where I could talk about family, life, weight, clothes… Really, just everything.  I wanted it be light, fun and funny.  The truth is though, I just couldn’t let go of the weight loss journey.  Majority of my followers were not as interested in my daily life and only my weight loss (or the lack of) was what kept viewers.  So I talked about family less and weight loss more.  To the point it consumed my life.  I started to feel like a failure.  Like I didn’t understand why I just couldn’t do this.

So then this morning I was thinking… What should I name my blog that would reflect me now??? What would be my new Instagram handle?  What would work that would make me feel inspired to be who I inspire to be?  In this thought process I started to think to myself the dreaded question I would get asked at interviews…. “So, Misty, Tell us about yourself” This question was is so hard for me because I never knew what to say?  The first thing that would ALWAYS come to mind is, “I’m a mom”.  Because the thing is, I have been a mom since I was 18 years old.  At this point I have been a mom for half of my life already.

Being a mom has been a BIG part of my life.  It is something that I will always be.  BUT… being a mom is not ALL that I am.  It was then I wondered to myself, “who am I”?  This sparked me thinking of new names that would suit my goals for these outlets better.  I thought of “finding me” but I was like, wait… What?!? I’m not lost… I just don’t know I am exactly?  Then I thought about who I was.  I started thinking about why it was so hard tos say who I am?  It all boiled down to mostly one word, FEAR.  I realized that I am afraid to be WHO I am!  I thought about being a girl in school.  Growing up, I always did pretty decently in school but thing was, I learned after they started requiring testing that I wasn’t as “smart” as I thought I was.  I bombed the test.

All the sudden I went from this A student to finding out I didn’t know… A lot…. This was a HUGE blow to my ego.  As I became an adult, I despised going to school.  The thought of school could easily give me anxiety.  The thought of High School was horrifying alone, let a lone the thought of College.  I remember when I did attempt college once when I was a newly single mom, working 60 plus hours a week, willing to do anything that would probably make me more money.  I decided to go to college since my job would pay for it. Long story short, I went to two classes and never went back again.  I allowed the fact that when I was tested upon entry of College,  I had to take remedial classes to bring me down.  Once again I didn’t feel “smart”.  I allowed my own insecurities to stop me from showing myself that despite my lack of knowledge it didn’t mean I couldn’t learn.  But the other truth was, my heart just wasn’t in it.  So I never went back.

Fast forward now to the present time.  By this point I am almost to work.  And yes, I had all these thoughts in just 15 minutes.  I am thinking about names… things like the un-driven path (which I do still like). I wanted something that meant something to me.  I wanted something that could evolve with my life.  I wanted something that could show the world my goals.  But I also had to know what my goals were.? I thought myself, maybe?, I should go back to school?  Not really to get a degree for a job, but to just get a degree… To show myself that I can do so.  I thought how I wanted to know more, learn more and that I felt ready to do so.

Then I thought about other things I might want to do.  I thought that even if it’s not school, the point wasn’t school at all… It was doing things because I want to and not letting fear stand in my way.  I thought to myself, that I have NO clue who I am!  I don’t even fully know what all I like because I have experienced so little.   Life is WAY too short to experience too little.  I am holding my own self back.  I let my depression to get the best of me.  I let my mind wonder and rule me.  I let my thoughts define me.  I thought no… I have the control.  I have the control to be HAPPY… I have to believe this.

I have the control to navigate my life.  When people told me in my life I couldn’t do things, I would prove them wrong.  When people under estimated me, I would show them my worth.  BUT I thought to myself this morning, why won’t I show myself?  What am I so afraid of?  Why do I hold back so much? So what if someone laughs, rolls their eyes, disagree’s, doesn’t like me?  If I am doing good things, looking forward, and trying to be the best me I can be then non of that will matter…. So then I came home and started to write words.  LOTS of words back and forth with my BFF (best friend forever)…

And then it happened.  After many great idea’s none of them felt like the one until it hit me…. Right before I found I found it, what marked what this journey is going to be about, I thought first about calling my blog/account the making of me.  I honestly did like this one; until… I saw there was book with the name (well, that and the part of one mans journey to becoming a school superintendent).  I really didn’t wanna be a copy cat even though it wasn’t exactly the same.  I even had other names like Life in Layers, my life proclaimed, peaches and me (I still like that one) and then I thought of  inspiring life…  I thought at first this was going to be the name.

I thought, yes! I want to inspire myself and inspire others.  But then I thought to myself that life isn’t always inspiring.  Sometimes it’s messy.  Sometimes it’s sad.  Sometimes it’s just not always happy.  I thought, what about those days?  What about the days I want to write something sad?  Maybe, I want to vent about my kids being a jerk that day? That wouldn’t be as “inspiring”…. Do I want my page to always be “inspirational”? I have to admit this idea was a quickly a little overwhelming.  I then knew this wouldn’t work for me.

So I went back to the drawing board and like a lighting bolt in the sky it hit me. Reinventing me…. It was perfect.  Until… Instagram informed me someone already had it… I was like, what? Ugh, I am so unoriginal… BUT I loved what it represented.  So I kept playing… (reinventing me project, reinventing Misty, but it all just didn’t seem right) then it was right there… My reinventing life.  Now THAT was perfect AND most importantly it wasn’t taken on Instagram!!!!  I am not finding me, because I’m not lost.  It wasn’t that I didn’t know me, but that over the years I am constantly changing and growing.  In that change I slowly reinvent who I am.  I start to create a new me.  I haven’t lost me, didn’t know me, etc I just learning more and more ABOUT me.  Everything I know about me DOES make me.  BUT like a rose there are many layers…. We all have layers that we hold and shed through our lives.  Eventually we bloom into a new flower in time…. We become well, reinvented….

So there ya go guys… in a LONG winded post… That is what I will be…. I now here in time there will be a new blog, look, etc.  And hopefully, this too won’t be some passing phase. But all in all, I am excited.  Excited about the journey a head, with myself, weight, life, children, etc.  ALL of it.  I want to talk about all of it.  I know this may cause a lost in followers (especially on Instagram) and honestly, that’s okay because my journey is for those who need to hear and for me who needs to write it.  If it’s not for you then that’s okay because it means it wasn’t meant for you!  So with that said, thanks so much for following all this time some of you have been here with me for YEARS.  For that I am humble to call you guys my friends….. So here is to another chapter!  I hope you stick around.  More is soon to come!  Just wait!