A new name is in the air

So, today I was just going to start a brand new blog, with a brand new name and honestly, this probably still will happen.  But for now, I wanted to talk today about change.  Every morning I have about 15 minutes to myself after I drop D off to work on my journey to my job.  During this time, sometimes, I blast some music and sing my heart out and other days like today, I took some time to reflect on some thoughts that was going through my ever revolving mind of mine.

Today was a day for reflection and my first thoughts started with my blog and blogging. I was thinking about how much I missed it.  I hardly ever write any more. I just don’t feel I have time any more with me working these days.  I feel like when I am home my time is either devoted to children, cooking, cleaning OR just trying to find sometime for myself. But now that the dust has settled a bit and we have gotten into a good groove of things I thought to myself, “I can write”?

My next thought was that I feel that I am not on the same page anymore with the name of my blog/Instagram (where I frequent the most these days).  Over the years I have had many blogs.  I have had Mistyme, (I like that was my live journal account), a blog with my bestie (twocarbkickingchicks I think it was)? I am sure there were more, but the most recent one was I am not just a fat girl.

I started I am not just a fat girl after I had my last child.  I was determined to lose weight but also wanted to show the world that there was more to me than just my appearance.  I felt as a big girl I was automatically defined by my weight.  I felt sometimes, unnoticed; and other times the center of attention.  I wanted people to see *ME* not just my body.  I remembered when I was smaller people approached me more and wanted to know me more.  Which was odd because I wasn’t a better person thin!  This upset me greatly.  Why would be only see me when I was smaller?  So I started to blog.

However, over the past several years of trying to lose weight and falling off more times than I can count.  Dealing with multiple health issues and doctor after doctor telling me they don’t know what’s wrong.  I felt myself slowly giving up.  At that point I though that I was NOT going to live the rest of my life hating myself.  If I was stuck in this fat suit, the least I can do is love myself despite of the challenges.  This was then the birth of my plus size confessions.

I wanted a site where I could talk about family, life, weight, clothes… Really, just everything.  I wanted it be light, fun and funny.  The truth is though, I just couldn’t let go of the weight loss journey.  Majority of my followers were not as interested in my daily life and only my weight loss (or the lack of) was what kept viewers.  So I talked about family less and weight loss more.  To the point it consumed my life.  I started to feel like a failure.  Like I didn’t understand why I just couldn’t do this.

So then this morning I was thinking… What should I name my blog that would reflect me now??? What would be my new Instagram handle?  What would work that would make me feel inspired to be who I inspire to be?  In this thought process I started to think to myself the dreaded question I would get asked at interviews…. “So, Misty, Tell us about yourself” This question was is so hard for me because I never knew what to say?  The first thing that would ALWAYS come to mind is, “I’m a mom”.  Because the thing is, I have been a mom since I was 18 years old.  At this point I have been a mom for half of my life already.

Being a mom has been a BIG part of my life.  It is something that I will always be.  BUT… being a mom is not ALL that I am.  It was then I wondered to myself, “who am I”?  This sparked me thinking of new names that would suit my goals for these outlets better.  I thought of “finding me” but I was like, wait… What?!? I’m not lost… I just don’t know I am exactly?  Then I thought about who I was.  I started thinking about why it was so hard tos say who I am?  It all boiled down to mostly one word, FEAR.  I realized that I am afraid to be WHO I am!  I thought about being a girl in school.  Growing up, I always did pretty decently in school but thing was, I learned after they started requiring testing that I wasn’t as “smart” as I thought I was.  I bombed the test.

All the sudden I went from this A student to finding out I didn’t know… A lot…. This was a HUGE blow to my ego.  As I became an adult, I despised going to school.  The thought of school could easily give me anxiety.  The thought of High School was horrifying alone, let a lone the thought of College.  I remember when I did attempt college once when I was a newly single mom, working 60 plus hours a week, willing to do anything that would probably make me more money.  I decided to go to college since my job would pay for it. Long story short, I went to two classes and never went back again.  I allowed the fact that when I was tested upon entry of College,  I had to take remedial classes to bring me down.  Once again I didn’t feel “smart”.  I allowed my own insecurities to stop me from showing myself that despite my lack of knowledge it didn’t mean I couldn’t learn.  But the other truth was, my heart just wasn’t in it.  So I never went back.

Fast forward now to the present time.  By this point I am almost to work.  And yes, I had all these thoughts in just 15 minutes.  I am thinking about names… things like the un-driven path (which I do still like). I wanted something that meant something to me.  I wanted something that could evolve with my life.  I wanted something that could show the world my goals.  But I also had to know what my goals were.? I thought myself, maybe?, I should go back to school?  Not really to get a degree for a job, but to just get a degree… To show myself that I can do so.  I thought how I wanted to know more, learn more and that I felt ready to do so.

Then I thought about other things I might want to do.  I thought that even if it’s not school, the point wasn’t school at all… It was doing things because I want to and not letting fear stand in my way.  I thought to myself, that I have NO clue who I am!  I don’t even fully know what all I like because I have experienced so little.   Life is WAY too short to experience too little.  I am holding my own self back.  I let my depression to get the best of me.  I let my mind wonder and rule me.  I let my thoughts define me.  I thought no… I have the control.  I have the control to be HAPPY… I have to believe this.

I have the control to navigate my life.  When people told me in my life I couldn’t do things, I would prove them wrong.  When people under estimated me, I would show them my worth.  BUT I thought to myself this morning, why won’t I show myself?  What am I so afraid of?  Why do I hold back so much? So what if someone laughs, rolls their eyes, disagree’s, doesn’t like me?  If I am doing good things, looking forward, and trying to be the best me I can be then non of that will matter…. So then I came home and started to write words.  LOTS of words back and forth with my BFF (best friend forever)…

And then it happened.  After many great idea’s none of them felt like the one until it hit me…. Right before I found I found it, what marked what this journey is going to be about, I thought first about calling my blog/account the making of me.  I honestly did like this one; until… I saw there was book with the name (well, that and the part of one mans journey to becoming a school superintendent).  I really didn’t wanna be a copy cat even though it wasn’t exactly the same.  I even had other names like Life in Layers, my life proclaimed, peaches and me (I still like that one) and then I thought of  inspiring life…  I thought at first this was going to be the name.

I thought, yes! I want to inspire myself and inspire others.  But then I thought to myself that life isn’t always inspiring.  Sometimes it’s messy.  Sometimes it’s sad.  Sometimes it’s just not always happy.  I thought, what about those days?  What about the days I want to write something sad?  Maybe, I want to vent about my kids being a jerk that day? That wouldn’t be as “inspiring”…. Do I want my page to always be “inspirational”? I have to admit this idea was a quickly a little overwhelming.  I then knew this wouldn’t work for me.

So I went back to the drawing board and like a lighting bolt in the sky it hit me. Reinventing me…. It was perfect.  Until… Instagram informed me someone already had it… I was like, what? Ugh, I am so unoriginal… BUT I loved what it represented.  So I kept playing… (reinventing me project, reinventing Misty, but it all just didn’t seem right) then it was right there… My reinventing life.  Now THAT was perfect AND most importantly it wasn’t taken on Instagram!!!!  I am not finding me, because I’m not lost.  It wasn’t that I didn’t know me, but that over the years I am constantly changing and growing.  In that change I slowly reinvent who I am.  I start to create a new me.  I haven’t lost me, didn’t know me, etc I just learning more and more ABOUT me.  Everything I know about me DOES make me.  BUT like a rose there are many layers…. We all have layers that we hold and shed through our lives.  Eventually we bloom into a new flower in time…. We become well, reinvented….

So there ya go guys… in a LONG winded post… That is what I will be…. I now here in time there will be a new blog, look, etc.  And hopefully, this too won’t be some passing phase. But all in all, I am excited.  Excited about the journey a head, with myself, weight, life, children, etc.  ALL of it.  I want to talk about all of it.  I know this may cause a lost in followers (especially on Instagram) and honestly, that’s okay because my journey is for those who need to hear and for me who needs to write it.  If it’s not for you then that’s okay because it means it wasn’t meant for you!  So with that said, thanks so much for following all this time some of you have been here with me for YEARS.  For that I am humble to call you guys my friends….. So here is to another chapter!  I hope you stick around.  More is soon to come!  Just wait!


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